Page 34 of The Notecard
‘We’re totes going to Spain,’ says Molly.
I look at Mum and shake my head to let her know that we definitely aren’t going to Spain. Now that Mum’s here, I want to have a word with her about Nottingham. I need to make a decision and it would really help if Mum was onboard with me moving away. I ask her for a quick chat in the bedroom. Molly immediately gives me a look. Why so secretive, Nicky? I tell her we’ll just be a moment. She doesn’t look happy and starts aggressively scrolling through her phone.
Mum and I walk into my bedroom and I close the door. Time to broach the topic of Nottingham. I move one of Molly’s bras off the bed. It’s incredible how quickly Molly’s things have started appearing in my flat. ‘It’s just easier if I leave a few things over here,’ said Molly when I asked why she had a small container of toiletries in my bathroom. She left a few items of clothing in my wardrobe too - just in case. It’s like without realising it, she’s slowly beginning to slot herself back into my life again. It’s what happened the last time we dated. Only this time it’s happening sooner. Mum and I sit on the bed.
‘Mum. I have a question for you.’
‘Is it about Molly? I really don’t know why you’re seeing her again, Nick. She isn't the one.’
‘It isn’t about Molly.’
‘Good. The sooner she’s gone, the better.’
‘It’s about work, actually,’ I say, and then I leave a brief pause. ‘There’s a job in Nottingham, and I’m thinking about applying.’
Mum looks at me. I can’t quite read her expression. Mum has always been difficult to read. She isn’t an emotional person. She’s brusk, not rude or hard, but just lacking in the big emotions. Even with Dad, she only broke down a handful of times. At least that’s all she let me see. She’s strong and very English about things. She’s hardy. Robust.
‘Oh,’ says Mum eventually.
Oh. Not much to go on. I tell her it’s a consultant position, better money, and that a fresh start might be a good thing. I don’t know what Mum’s going to say. I’m looking at her face for any signs of emotion. Any hint of tears or sadness because I imagine she’s going to find the idea of me moving to the Midlands difficult. Since I moved back to London, I’ve seen Mum at least once a week. I am all she has in the way of family in London. Of people. She has friends, and now Michael, but that’s it. I don’t want to abandon her if she needs me.
‘Nick,’ says Mum finally. ‘I think you should do exactly what your heart wants. I’d miss you obviously, but Nottingham isn’t that far away. I just want you to be happy, that’s all.’
‘So you’re okay with it?’
‘I am,’ says Mum.
‘Thank you,’ I say, turning and giving her a hug.
I think about mentioning the ten-year anniversary of Dad’s death but decide against it. Mum hasn’t said anything, and I don’t want to bring it up. She’s been so happy with Michael lately and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that and like I said, it’s just an arbitrary date. Mum and I walk back into the living room where Molly is still sitting on the sofa. She stands up when we walk back in. Molly looks at me with an expression I can’t quite decipher. Mum says she’s going to get off. She’s busy. Things to do. Molly looks momentarily crestfallen that her relationship with Mum is still so difficult and then just annoyed. I say goodbye to Mum, and she leaves. Molly instantly plops back down on the sofa with a loud huff and I join her.
‘She literally hates me,’ says Molly, looking across at me with sad eyes.
‘She doesn’t hate you.’
I don’t think Mum hates Molly, she just doesn’t like her very much. I think I might feel the same. When I rang Molly after the Meg notecard debacle, I think I thought that perhaps I was too hasty the first time we dated. But I’m quickly realising that I was spot on. Molly just isn’t for me. She’s selfish, overbearing, assumes things about me that just aren’t true and above all, I just think I couldn’t ever love her. Not in the way you’re supposed to love The One. The way I might love Meg. I admire Molly’s ambition and that she loves her job, but it’s that same passion for her work that makes her blind to anything else except herself. Everything she does is about her, for her, and something she wants. Since we started dating again, I don’t think I’ve suggested one thing to do together or had a say in anything we’ve done. But the thought of breaking up with her again drives fear and anxiety through my body at warp speed.
‘Whatever,’ says Molly. ‘I don’t need your mum to love me, Nicky, only you.’
She looks at me with a smile that has a slightly desperate edge to it.
‘I’m going to pop outside for a cigarette,’ I say, getting up.
‘Then,’ she says with a smile. ‘We’re going to do something fab... OMG! I just found an incredible deal for Spain, Nicky. Like seriously, you’re going to shit your pants.’ I smile uncomfortably and head outside for a cigarette, the thought of spending a week with Molly in Spain charging around my head like a bull in a shop that only sells very breakable glassware.
Meg
It’s a gorgeous evening. The sun is still out and it’s warm for the time of year. It’s busy with people walking by the house on their way out, or perhaps on their way home after a day of shopping in London. I love this time of the day. It isn’t twilight yet, but just before. Pre-twilight. There’s a calmness to everything. I needed a break from the flat and I’m outside having a cigarette. Laura is still angry with Simon. I think she’s angry at him for talking about my travel plans. Apparently he’s banned from discussing it. Mum and Dad are getting along. Buoyed by their shared dating fiascos, they’re bonding over their hatred of other people and perhaps realising that maybe the grass isn’t greener.
Growing up our parents are just our parents. We don’t think of them as people, and especially not as people trying to navigate a relationship. When I was a kid, I don’t think I even considered that my parents had a relationship. They were just Mum and Dad. They were as fixed in my life as school and McDonalds. We used to go to McDonalds most days after school. Double science with Mr Thompson and then a Happy Meal. I don’t really understand what happened with my parents' marriage. It seemed to fall apart so quickly. But today something is different. Maybe because it’s Dad’s birthday or because they both had such horrible dating experiences, but they really do seem to be getting along. Much to Laura’s annoyance. I take a puff on my cigarette and then I hear footsteps. I turn around and see Nick walking towards me.
‘Great minds,’ says Nick, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.
We’re standing on the porch that leads to the steps that take you onto the street. As soon as Nick comes out, I feel myself tighten up. He does that to me. Whenever I’m around him, I feel a sense of myself. As if I can feel my whole body. The weight of it. I look at Nick and he looks so handsome. Grey jeans, a navy shirt, and white trainers. His hair is messy, but I like that about him. He has a few days' stubble and remnants of an aftershave. I can barely smell it, but it’s there. James used to wear a gorgeous aftershave. At the end of the day when we’d clamber into bed, I could still just about smell it. That and him, a subtle hint of sweat, and the fading remnants of the aftershave.
‘How are you?’ I say, looking across at him.
‘Fine. Although I suppose it depends on how you define fine.’
