Page 71 of The Notecard
‘I really am sorry,’ I say when we pull apart.
‘The job always comes first, right?’ says Meg, and I don’t even have to answer.
We stand up and get dressed. It’s awkward. The wild abandon at which we got undressed is gone, and now it’s sort of clinical and I’m glad the light is off. I walk Meg into the living room where the remnants of our date remain. Two pizzas, half eaten, and a complete salad.
‘At least you can keep the salad,’ says Meg with a smile.
‘Thank heavens,’ I say, and we both laugh, but it’s forced and feels out of place now. ‘I’m sorry again.’
‘You don’t have to apologise. It’s fine.’
It’s not fine.
We’re at the front door. Time to say goodbye. I want to ask the question before she goes. I have to address the massive elephant in the room. Is this it? Was this our one night? Do we do it again or are we done?
‘Meg, can I…’
A pause.
‘What?’
There’s a painfully long silence. The elephant is standing right next to us. It’s enormous. I can’t do it. I’ll have to put up with the elephant. It’s just too awkward now. We had one night, and now it’s done. It didn’t work out. I asked what she liked in bed like an idiot. Time to move on.
‘Bye then,’ says Meg when I don’t say anything.
It looks like she wants to say something else. Maybe it’s to the elephant. Maybe to me. I don’t know because she doesn’t actually say anything else. I have to speak. The elephant is just too big. We can’t ignore it. One night. Surely it’s weirder to ignore it than to not even mention it at all. It is much weirder. But it’s going to happen. I know it, and now I think Meg knows it. I can’t believe we’re going to do it, but we are. If there was a moment in life when I should say something. Just speak. Say words. Anything. This would be that time. But I can’t. My lips are sealed shut. Closed until further notice.
‘At least take your wine and pizza,’ I say, quickly grabbing the wine from the kitchen and the plate with her half-eaten pizza.
I give her the wine bottle with the funky yellow label and the pizza we made together. She smiles at me. It’s a sad smile. It’s barely a smile. Then she turns around and walks out. That’s it. Our one night is over. I need to get to hospital. ASAP. I turn around and dash off to my bedroom to get dressed for work. I’ll need to get a coffee on the way. I’m not prepared for this. I’m not ready for a night shift. I was supposed to be off. I was meant to be having sex with Meg right now. What do you like? You know, sex wise? I don’t know where that came from. I’ve never asked a girl that before. Ever. Even when I was just starting out, and knew my way around the London underground better than a female body, did I ask: ‘What do you like? You now, sex wise?’ Sex wise. That classic turn of phrase guaranteed to make every girl in the world get naked and jump into bed with you.
The truth is, I’m devastated. As I’m getting ready to leave my flat, I still can’t believe this is happening. Why now? Why today? The only answer I can think of is: We just aren’t meant to be. Surely real love is easier than this. If Meg and I really are soul mates, then why does it feel like such hard work? I’m angry, sad, bitter and annoyed, but it doesn’t matter. I’m heading off to work and Meg is in her flat and soon she’ll be off travelling the world and I’ll be in Nottingham, and all of this will be just something that happened in the past. That time I really liked a girl and she seemed to really like me, but for one reason or another, it just didn’t work out.
Meg
Iclose the door to my flat, walk over to the sofa, and fall onto it. I feel like crying, but I’m not going to cry. I’m not. I might get drunk, but I’m not going to cry. What just happened? Why didn’t we talk about whether that was it? Was that it? Our one night. Do we get to do it again? We didn’t talk about it. I can’t believe it. I suppose not talking about it sort of makes the decision for us. That was it. It was. And it wasn’t the night I imagined in my head. Sex wise. Who says that? And what about all the questions I had for him? I wanted to ask what his life plan was. I had the entire conversation mapped out in my head with alternate endings, just in case he turned out to be one of those people who don’t have a life plan. I think Nick probably does. He’s a doctor. He must have a life plan and now I’ll never know. I could still ask him, but it seems redundant now.
He gave me my bottle of wine with the yellow label on the way out and my pizza, and so at least I have that. Beth just posted an update. She’s in the middle of an East Coast tour of Australia. She’s in Airlie Beach. It looks incredible. She’s setting off on a three-night cruise around the Whitsunday islands. I Google them and they look ridiculously gorgeous. The bluest water. The whitest sand. I can’t wait to be there. It helps me put tonight into perspective. In a month, I’m setting off for my trip. It doesn’t seem real at the moment. I’m training a new girl at work. New bikinis have been coming in the mail. In a month I’ll be off, and I won’t be thinking about tonight and Nick. New adventures. New people. I’ll be living a different life. I open the bottle of wine, pour myself a glass, and take a bite of the pizza. It’s cold now, but still so good.
As much as I want to dive into the world of Beth and Australia, I can’t stop thinking about Nick. I need to talk to someone and that someone is Keri. She’s staying at Hugh’s tonight. They’re leaving early in the morning and heading to Hugh’s parent’s house. Keri is going to meet them for the first time. It’s a big deal and she’s nervous. I get my phone and FaceTime her. It rings and then she answers. She’s in Hugh’s bedroom.
‘What are you doing?’ says Keri right away. ‘Tonight’s the date with McDreamy. You should be in his bedroom performing tricks like a cheap prostitute, or maybe a magician. A magician sounds better than a cheap prostitute. Let’s go with a magician.’
‘It didn’t exactly go to plan,’ I say, taking a sip of my wine. ‘Can you talk?’
‘Yes, I can talk,’ says Keri, sitting up. ‘Hugh’s taking a shower and I’m just watching TV. I’m so nervous about tomorrow. I’ve already tried four different opening sentences, but none of them seem like the sort of thing I should be saying. Anyway, what happened with Dr Nick? Please tell me he isn’t a dick. He’s a dick, isn’t he? A massive, humongous dick. Doctor dick.’
‘He’s not a dick, Keri. It would be easier if he was. He got called into work. He’s a doctor. It happens, and it just so happened while we were in bed in our underwear.’
‘Ouch,’ says Keri. ‘You must be livid. You couldn’t just squeeze it in before he had to go?’
‘I don’t think either of us wanted to squeeze anything in. I don’t know. It just didn’t go as I thought it would. Dinner was good, a few nerves, but once we started getting sexy, it just felt a bit, I don’t know, awkward. He asked me what I liked… sex wise.’
Keri laughs.
‘Oh my god, he actually said that? Those actual words?’
‘I think he was trying to be nice. Thoughtful. But it came across as weird, and we lacked passion. I know things with James ended horribly, but our first date was electric. The sex was phenomenal. How was it for you and Hugh?’
