Page 9 of The Notecard
There’s a pause and Rob has a sip of his beer, looks at it, and then puts it down on the coffee table next to our mugs of tea.
‘If you want my advice,’ says Dotty. ‘Stop being so wet, go home, apologise to your wife, and do as she says.’
Rob looks at Mum.
‘I mean, it’s up to you, of course, but I don’t think she’s asking for much. Trying for a baby is more important than a few drinks after work, surely,’ says Mum.
‘She’ll have to give up alcohol for a lot longer when she’s pregnant,’ says Dotty.
‘That’s right,’ says Mum. ‘And cheese. Don’t forget you can’t eat cheese.’
‘She’ll gain three stone in weight, her hormones will be all over the place, and then there’s the haemorrhoids,’ says Dotty.
‘I forgot about the haemorrhoids. I had them something awful with Nick,’ says Mum. ‘I couldn’t sit down without wincing.’
Too much information.
‘Then after the baby comes out there’s the constant breastfeeding. That’s no fun, let me tell you,’ says Dotty. ‘A little baby nibbling away at your nipples for hours every day. They don’t come back from it either.’
‘Mine were never the same after Nick,’ says Mum. ‘He was a biter.’
An unnecessary detail.
‘All she’s asking is that you give up alcohol for a few months or maybe even less,’ says Dotty. ‘Mine were all first timers.’
‘Nick too,’ says Mum. ‘Stephen was so annoyed it happened so quickly.’
Rob looks at me. He looks traumatised.
‘What do you think?’ he says.
‘I think you already have your answer, mate,’ I say. ‘You can’t argue with haemorrhoids.’
‘Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks everyone,’ says Rob, standing up. ‘I think I’d better go home. I have some apologising to do.’
‘Go get the girl!’ says Dotty. ‘Knock her up!’
Rob smiles awkwardly and I show him out. He turns to me by the front door.
‘Sorry I didn’t tell you we were trying for a baby, mate. I wanted to tell you, but Fee was adamant that no-one should know. She didn’t want the pressure of everyone asking every time they saw us. Are you pregnant yet? Any luck? How’s it going? Plus, its super weird with her dad basically asking me whether I’m successfully having sex with his daughter.’
‘It’s fine, mate, honestly. I’m just sorry you had to hear about Mum’s haemorrhoids.’
‘I think it was just what I needed, actually. They were right. I was being a tit. Time to head home, apologise, then check the ovulation app,’ says Rob with a smile.
‘Now that’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear you say.’
Rob laughs before he heads off home. I go back into my flat where Mum and Dotty are in a deep discussion about the severity of their perineal lacerations (vaginal tears during childbirth). Something else they have in common, apparently. My evening just gets better and better.
Meg
‘You forgot the wine,’ says Mum when I walk in empty-handed.
‘So I did,’ I say with a silly laugh, before I sit down, and get back to the delights of Perfect Wedding magazine. There are some seriously thrilled brides inside. Zoe and Henry turned her parents’ sizeable Somerset garden into a festival complete with food trucks and a music stage. They had specially made wellies or Weddington boots as they’re called in the article which gave the whole thing an authentic festival feel. They decorated the marquee with flowers and bunting, and vintage wooden signs showed the guests where to go - especially the Portaloos! A Volkswagen camper van served novelty cocktails. Oh my! Zoe looks over the moon about it.
‘The cake is in the oven!’ says Keri, walking into the living room. ‘In roughly forty-five minutes we’ll have a non-vegan vegan chocolate cake. Although I had to replace some ingredients because we didn’t have them.’
‘Like what?’ says Laura.
