Page 11 of Not Moving Out
‘Sounds ominous.’
‘It’s not, it’s just something.’
‘Then I’m in. I didn’t have much for breakfast, and I quite fancy a nice sandwich or something. About twelve thirty?’
‘Perfect. See you then,’ I said, and then I walked up the stairs towards the space where my desk was, in an office I shared with two other more junior paralegals. I settled in, got myself a coffee from the kitchen, and then got to work, grateful to be busy to take my mind off Joe and Dolly’s reaction to our news. I had barely seen her since we told her. She had been in her room all of that night, and then she went to Maya’s house all of the next day. I had texted her, and asked if she was all right and wanted to talk, but she said she was fine, just busy with college work, and so I left it, but I couldn’t stop worrying about what it might mean. Sometimes Dolly felt like a code I couldn’t quite crack. I wanted to be closer to her, wished we had that classic television mother–daughter relationship, that I was the one she went to for advice, but we had never quite had that. If anything, she was closer to Joe, which was something I’d always had a hard time with. I wasn’t jealous of their relationship, and I was glad she had someone she could talk to, but I also quite wanted that person to be me.
It was bright out, and Lucy and I walked from the office to an artisanal cafe nearby. I didn’t often have lunch with Lucy because we were generally both too busy, but I needed to talk to her. Lucy’s husband, Stuart, was good friends with Joe, and I didn’t want Lucy finding out about our separation from him. I had no idea whether Joe was going to tell Stuart, but I couldn’t risk it, and it would be good to get her perspective.
‘What’s going on?’ Lucy asked, tucking into her sandwich.
I was nervous about saying the words out loud. I had talked to Mum, and Joe and I had told Dolly, but this felt, if anything, slightly scarier. Lucy was a friend and once it was out in the real world and people other than close family knew, it would make it seem more real. It would be news. I took a small breath and then I said the words I had been rehearsing all morning.
‘It’s me and Joe. We’ve decided to separate.’
‘Oh, shit, Freya, that’s…’ She paused for a moment, probably trying to choose the right words. She placed her sandwich back on the plate. ‘Really shit. Are you okay?’ She reached a hand across the small table and placed it momentarily on my arm for support.
‘I’m fine, I suppose, given the situation. It’s been coming for a while, so.’
‘Really? I knew you were having some problems, but I suppose I just thought you’d figure them out. I mean, we all have our ups and downs, don’t we?’
‘We do, but the last year or so has all been down for us, I’m afraid.’
‘I’m so sorry. You know if you need anything, I’m here for you. Stuart, too.’
‘Won’t he be on Joe’s side?’ I said without realising what I had actually said.
‘We don’t have to take sides, do we?’ said Lucy, an expression of concern flashing across her face like a heavy cloud suddenly moving in front of the sun.
‘No, sorry, shit, I didn’t mean it like that,’ I replied quickly. ‘I just meant, you know, because they’re mates and men, that’s all.’
‘Right, good,’ said Lucy, and I took a bite of my cheese toastie, and then a sip of my coffee.
‘To be honest, it feels strange. Like, it’s not really happening,’ I said, after a moment.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t know, but you imagine the end of a marriage, and you think of countless fights, long emotional talks late into the night, and just something big and gargantuan coming between you like an affair or a midlife crisis. You think that after almost nineteen years, it would feel like someone had ripped my heart out, like I did when Adam Turner dumped me at eighteen, and I cried for a week and refused to eat. But this, it just feels too… civilised.’
‘I mean, this is Joe we’re talking about.’
‘And?’
‘He’s just not very emotional, is he? Have you two ever had a huge fight? You know the sort when you’re screaming in each other’s faces, and you want to kill them?’
‘Well, no, but I always thought that was sort of a good thing. Have you and Stuart?’
‘Oh, yes. Usually before the best sex ever! Stuart’s passionate, I’m passionate, and sometimes it bubbles over, but I think it’s good. We get everything out in the open. It’s like how sometimes you need a really big thunderstorm to clear the air. Joe always seemed like the sort of bloke who was just a bit, I don’t know, apathetic. Sorry, I’m not trying to be callous.’
‘No, no, it’s fine. Maybe you’re right. He hated arguing, and so we didn’t. So many things were never said, or discussed because he couldn’t handle it. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care enough, but that, well, if you met his dad you’d understand. They’re exactly the same. If anyone so much as mentioned a feeling, or heaven forbid shared something too personal, it was like you’d taken a shit in the middle of the room. Even when Joe’s mum died, it was just, I don’t know, weirdly unemotional. They’re like a working-class version of the royal family.’
‘Which is why maybe now it feels like it’s limping to a rather sad finish.’
‘I hadn’t thought about it like that before,’ I replied, and the more I thought about it, the more I realised that Lucy was right. Joe hated fighting. He never raised his voice, or engaged with me, and instead we both let the little things fester. Maybe over time all those little things became bigger things and because we didn’t deal with them they slowly destroyed us. When I had suggested marriage counselling, Joe had declined and repeated the same mantra over and over whenever the topic came up:If we can’t deal with this ourselves, Freya, then our marriage is already over.What he hadn’t considered, and what I hadn’t either, was that maybe what we really needed was just to scream at each other a bit.
‘I think what you need is Cold Water Club. It will literally change your life!’
‘Change my life?’ I asked, because I didn’t understand how standing in the freezing cold sea at seven o’clock in the morning would change my life.
