Page 16 of Not Moving Out
‘I think for me, personally, being a success, being able to provide for my family while being creative is integral to being happy. I need that something to aim towards, that goal, however achievable or not, because it gives me meaning.’
‘But what happens when you reach your goal? Because you’ve reached it once before—’
‘Twice, actually, if you include my doomed second sitcom.’
‘Okay, twice, and yet here we are. Surely, it demonstrates that actually, what really counts in life isn’t always money or success, but enjoying the process. Life is happening now, not in some faraway place in the past or the future, and you need to embrace and enjoy life today. Learning to accept our current reality, however far removed from the dream, is integral to being content, Joe, and that is something I think we need to work on.’
She leaned down, took her pen, and wrote something on her paper. I wasn’t ever allowed to see what she had written down, but I had my suspicions. I generally thought she wrote something when she thought it sounded good, and maybe she could use it again because that was exactly how I worked, too. I saw her point, but it didn’t detract from my overall feeling that at the end of the day, I really needed to get a show on television again. It genuinely felt like the cheat code to my life.
‘Your homework this week, should you choose to accept it—’ said Karen.
‘Mission Impossible, love it.’
‘I thought you’d appreciate it. Your homework this week, should you choose to accept it, Joe, is to really think about your marriage. What happened, and if you could go back and change something, what that might be?’
‘Okay,’ I replied, before she told me our session was over. I thanked her and then I was outside on the pavement, deciding what to do next.
It was a beautiful day, and I thought for a moment about going for that walk on the South Downs, but I would need to go home first, get changed, and then drive out of Brighton, and I needed to have something for lunch, and it was already two o’clock, and so I decided to go for a walk on the beach instead. I would walk home to Brighton along the front, and perhaps I would do the homework Karen had assigned me. Why had my marriage failed? Was it all to do with my work? With me? How had we gone from being so happy together, to separation, and whose fault was it? Was it anyone’s fault or just one of those things? People got divorced all the time, and surely not all of the reasons were that complex. Sometimes, wasn’t it just a case of people falling in and then out of love?
I had a lot to think about, and I had a meeting with my agent, Carl, in London soon, and I still didn’t have an idea for my next project. My mind was full of so many problems, each like a ball, flying around my mind, crashing against all the other balls, and I was trying to stop them from moving so I could reach in there and grab one of them. I needed something solid to hold on to, to feel like I was getting somewhere, but the harder I tried, the more it felt like more and more balls were being added, and they were moving faster and faster, and it was impossible to get one and hold on to it for any length of time.
Chapter Eight
Freya
It was ridiculously early for a Saturday morning, freezing, and Cold Water Club were meeting in the car park by the beach. It was my first experience of cold water swimming, and I was sensibly nervous about the temperature, but also because underneath my warmest winter puffa coat, woolly hat and gloves, I had on a one-piece swimsuit I hadn’t worn since last summer, and I had definitely gained a little winter weight – which might actually protect me from the harshness of the icy water, so was not all that bad in reality. This seemed like a terrible idea at seven o’clock on a weekend morning when I could be lying in bed. Instead, I was in the car waiting for all the other ladies to turn up. I was listening to Radio 2, and trying to wake up and warm up, when there was a sudden and very loud rapping on my car window that scared the hell out of me. I jumped, and then looked out of the window and saw Lucy’s face staring back at me with a smile. I pressed the button to lower the window.
‘Jesus Christ, Luce, you scared the living daylights out of me!’
‘A very underrated Bond film. Ready for a dip?’
‘What if I say no, and yes, a great song by A-ha, but Timothy Dalton?’
‘Come on, it will be fun,’ said Lucy with a warm smile. ‘And never knock Dalton!’
I got out of my car, and gave Lucy a quick hug, and I could see the other members of Cold Water Club congregating near another car, all trying to keep warm. Apart from us, there were a couple of early morning joggers, and a few dog walkers, but otherwise it was empty. Lucy offered to introduce me, and so I walked over and met them one by one. First up was Debbie, or Debs as she introduced herself. Caroline was originally from Edinburgh, and I instantly loved her Scottish brogue, and her bright, bubbly personality. Then lastly, I met Helen and Amy. Four lovely women, along with Lucy, who met at the beach at least four days a week to slowly wade into intensely chilly water for fun. I was already questioning my life choices.
‘You’re going to love it,’ said Scottish Caroline as we walked slowly towards the beach. ‘Can’t beat an early morning dook to start the day.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ I replied, already feeling quite cold, despite my woolly hat and gloves. I could only imagine how chilly I was going to feel after being in the choppy water. ‘Sorry, what exactly is a dook?’
Caroline laughed. ‘It’s Scottish for, you know, a duck, or plunging. Dook.’
‘Oh, right. I love it.’
‘Aye, me, too. The cold water really connects your mind and body and afterwards you’ll feel a natural high, and also an incredible inner peace. You’ll feel like you can do anything, conquer any mountain that comes your way. Trust me, it’s changed my life.’
‘That’s what Lucy said, too.’
‘Then maybe there’s something to it,’ said Caroline with a bright, warm smile.
‘Or it’s one of those cult situations and I’ll end up on theNews at Ten,’ I replied, as we walked down to the pebbly beach from the car park.
I had brought warm clothes to change into afterwards, a towel, and a flask of hot tea that I left on the beach. Suddenly, as we started towards the sea, I could see why Lucy loved it so much. There was something about being up and about so early in the morning with a group of women and doing something together that felt liberating.
It was one of the things I had been thinking about since Joe and I decided to separate. I had a small group of good friends, but being a wife, a mother and working full-time meant I didn’t actually get to spend much time on myself. My life had been my family for so long, but now with Dolly on the verge of leaving home for university, and with my marriage all but over, I was beginning to look to the next chapter and it was a little terrifying. I wanted a good group of female friends, to pick up new hobbies, explore things I hadn’t had the chance to before, and perhaps, if I survived today’s rather frosty beginnings, Cold Water Club might be a part of my future. These women with their own lives, problems and stories might potentially be a group that could help me move on. Well, either that, or, as I suspected, being fucking freezing might put me off ever going into the sea again.
We congregated in front of the iron-grey sea, the small waves lapping against the pebbles on the beach. The sky was stretched out before us, a blanket of deep blue flecked with eggshell clouds, and a gentle gust that pulled our hair out behind us. It felt for a moment as if we were stepping into the unknown, the great beyond, with nothing behind us. To our left was what remained of the West Pier, jutting out from the sea like a postmodern art installation, and then beyond that the new pier, and the beach with its restaurants, shops and attractions I knew so well from the days when Dolly had been little and we had strolled together, eating ice cream, and Dolly had played on the beach, dipping her toes in the water with giggles. Memories unfolded inside me. I looked out at the sea, and it truly felt like I was looking to the future.
