Page 30 of Not Moving Out
‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ I replied, sniffling.
‘But I definitely heard crying. Are you sure you’re okay?’
I took a moment, stood up, made sure I was suitably covered up – especially after our recent naked indiscretion – and then I walked across and opened the door.
‘I’m fine. I just saw some photos of Dolly on Facebook, went down a bit of a rabbit hole, and got a bit weepy, that’s all,’ I said, before turning around and walking back to sit on my bed. For a moment, Joe dithered by the door, before he slowly made his way across the room and sat down a good couple of feet away from me.
‘It’s hard to believe Dolly will be leaving for university soon,’ said Joe.
‘I’m just…’ I said, and started sobbing again. Joe quickly got up and then returned with a handful of toilet tissue. ‘Thank you.’ I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. ‘I’m just sad she’s not our little girl any more.’
‘I was thinking about her earlier. Do you remember the time when she was about nine? We’d bought her that new bike for her birthday, the one with the little basket on the front, and we had taken her to the park? She was so excited, but within a minute she had fallen off, grazed her knee, and she threw her helmet down and said she’d “never ride that horrible bike ever again”.’
‘She was back on it the following day.’
‘After you bribed her with an ice cream,’ said Joe with a smile. ‘Do you remember when instead of shark, she would say shoke and instead of park it was—’
‘Poke!’ I said and we both laughed.
‘They were the best days.’
‘They were.’
‘I wish we could go back and do them all over again.’
‘Would you do anything differently?’ I asked.
Joe turned and looked at me, and then he smiled a sort of soft, melancholy smile, and for a moment, I almost reached across and held his hand, but I didn’t. Things were confusing enough and I was still just in a dressing gown and basically naked beneath, we were on my bed, and touching him, however innocently, felt like a step too far.
‘I’d do a lot of things differently if I could,’ said Joe after a moment.
‘Me too,’ I replied, and we sat in silence, neither of us, it seemed, sure what to say next.
Our relationship felt like it was constantly evolving and it wasn’t always clear exactly where we were. Before the separation, being together had felt so difficult, almost impossible, but now we were separated but still living together, there was something new about us. Perhaps it was just the pressure of trying to make our marriage work that had made us both miserable, and maybe now being apart had given us the breathing space to see each other in a new light. I didn’t want to forget about all the incredible moments we had shared over the years, and despite the difficulties of the past eighteen months and the complete breakdown of our relationship, it wouldn’t erase all of the wonderful memories we had created together. Perhaps from the jumbled wreckage of our marriage, a new friendship was possible, and we would always have Dolly to bind us together. We were the only two people in the world with all those memories, and I knew exactly how much he loved her because I felt the same.
‘I suppose we’d better get ready,’ said Joe after a moment, gingerly standing up.
‘Yes, right,’ I said, standing up, too. Joe went to walk out but I stopped him. ‘Thank you.’
‘What for?’
‘For checking up on me.’
‘Of course. You’re still technically my wife,’ said Joe. He smiled at me, but it was definitely tinged with a little uncertainty, before he left me alone to get ready for Dolly’s celebratory meal.
Chapter Fifteen
Joe
Karen was wearing a white shirt under a thin grey jumper, and despite it being June and with summer just around the corner, it was lashing it down outside, which created a gloomy atmosphere in the room. It wasn’t the day for therapy.
‘How are you?’ said Karen brightly, which was somewhat jarring given the dampness of the day. I fidgeted in my seat. Why didn’t she have a sofa? I would have loved a comfortable sofa. I had brought a coffee with me, and I took a sip. It was the day for warm drinks, comfy seating and jumpers. I longed to be at home.
‘Umm, good, yeah. A few things have happened since my last visit.’ She got herself ready, pen in hand to jot down notes. ‘Dolly got a place at Durham to read English. We’re obviously really proud of her. We went out for dinner to celebrate, and it was nice. We went to Wagamama, and, I don’t know, but things with Freya felt good. Before we left, we sat on her bed and reminisced about the old days, and it was nice. I’m also working on a new script.’
‘That’s exciting,’ said Karen, quickly writing something down on her notepad. ‘Do you want to talk more about you and Freya?’
‘Yeah, we’re good. I don’t know, we’ve had a lot of positive interactions lately. I suppose it’s easier without the pressure of marriage. Although I did walk in on her naked, which definitely didn’t go down well.’
