Page 32 of Not Moving Out
‘It seems to me you have a complicated relationship with failure that has led to many of the decisions you’ve made as an adult. You decided to go into a career with a high chance of failure—’
‘Which I have largely succeeded at.’
‘True, and it’s incredible what you have already achieved, but even that success has been laced with some failures. You seem afraid of opening up to Freya in case you upset the apple cart, despite the fact you’re already separated. I’m just speculating here, Joe, but do you think your desire to live on the surface, keeping everything light and breezy, is linked to your relationship with failure?’
‘It’s because of my fucking parents!’ I said, slightly more aggressively than I intended. ‘Sorry, I just meant—’
‘No, it’s good to get emotional, Joe. You need to explore that. Don’t you see that you have a particular fear of letting go, of telling people what you think, and being honest with yourself in the process? Sometimes it’s okay to let go. You can’t control every aspect of your life.’
‘You think I have a need to control things?’
‘Do you?’
‘Doesn’t everyone?’
‘Not necessarily. Sometimes people need control because they think it equals some sort of success. If you control everything, it gives you power, and that power will be rewarded. Some people need to control every aspect of their lives because they’re afraid of letting go and revealing their weaknesses. It’s a way of protecting themselves.’
‘And which am I, Karen? Driven by success or fear?’
‘Which do you think, Joe?’
I hated the way she never answered my questions and would often turn it around as a question for me. Imagine if I did that in everyday life? People would literally hate me.
‘There was a boy at my school, Harvey Cooper, who purposely failed his GCSE exams because he didn’t want to go to sixth form. His parents thought he was going to be a doctor, and he ended up working at Halfords. He was definitely driven by a fear of success. Although if you needed a new inner tube for your bike, he was the person to go to.’
‘Why are you bringing up a boy from your school?’
‘Perhaps for the same reason his first girlfriend dumped him. No, not a tiny penis, although there were rumours. She probably realised he wasn’t going places and if she stuck with him, she would be stuck, too.’
‘What are you saying, Joe?’
‘That I’m driven to succeed because I’m terrified there’s nothing else out there. Writing is the only thing I’m good at. The only thing that will stop me from ending up working in a shit job I hate that pays very little money,’ I said, and then I added without thinking, ‘and essentially becoming my father.’
‘That’s time today, Joe, but really good work. Let’s hang on to that last thought and really delve into it next time, okay?’ said Karen with a smile.
I couldn’t believe we were leaving our session on a cliffhanger like that. Perhaps Karen should write for television because she fucking nailed the ending on that one. Talk about good plotting. Of course it all came back to my fucking dad. He was solely responsible for my inability to communicate like a proper, emotionally well-balanced, functioning adult, and now, just as we were discussing it in therapy, he was fucking off to France to run a bed and breakfast with his French girlfriend. I hadn’t even told Karen about that yet. No doubt she would have an absolute field day with that one. Talk about daddy fucking issues.
Chapter Sixteen
Freya
I wasn’t wearing my usual hat and gloves combination, although I did have on my black waterproof boots because they helped with the pebbles, but it was warmer now, and as I walked into the sea I definitely felt a change. I didn’t feel as cold as I had in previous weeks, but I was still exhilarated by it, excited at being in the sea with friends at seven o’clock in the morning once again. There was something about starting a new routine with new people that made me feel so alive.
‘How are you doing?’ said Lucy. We had waded out, and despite it being so much warmer, the initial cold of the water was still jarring – it wasn’t the Caribbean yet!
‘Good. Dolly got into Durham, so we’re over the moon.’
‘Oh, that’s brilliant. She’s a smart one.’
‘She is.’
‘What about things between you and Joe?’
‘Umm, they’re fine, I suppose. We had dinner at Wagamama to celebrate Dolly getting into Durham, and it was actually quite nice. We spoke, and it wasn’t weird or tense, and it was the most normal we’ve been for a while. We even shared a moment when we talked about the past, and it was sort of, I don’t know, it made me wonder.’
‘Wonder what?’ said Lucy, as we stopped walking, the water reached above our waists.
‘Whether there’s still a chance for us.’
