Page 38 of Not Moving Out
‘Come on, Luce. It’s obvious something is going on with you.’
Lucy looked at me, frowned, looked unsure, and then she said, ‘Well, you know I said that Stuart is going to start his own language school?’
I nodded.
‘Well, it looks like it’s going to be next year, and we’ll be moving, too.’
‘Oh, right, shit,’ I said, feeling a sudden flash of disappointment rush through me.
‘It’s a huge endeavour, and we’ll be risking a lot financially to make it happen, but he really wants to do it and I want to support him. I know it’s probably a shit time to be leaving you, and—’
‘Luce, it’s okay. I mean I hate it, obviously, and I’ll never speak to Stuart again, but I understand,’ I said, trying not to sound as devastated as I felt inside. ‘It definitely won’t be in Brighton then?’
‘We’re talking about the possibility of the Midlands. With house prices so high in Brighton, we could sell up here, put some of that money into the business, and Stuart has plenty of contacts near Leicester and at a few of the larger boarding schools in that area. We could buy a house there for almost half of what we’d get for ours in Brighton.’
‘But the Midlands,’ I said. ‘It’s so far away, and what about Cold Water Club?’
‘It will go on without me.’
I looked at Lucy, reached across and held her hand, and I wanted to cry. ‘Whatever happens, I’ll miss you terribly,’ I said.
‘Me, too. Although it won’t be until the beginning of next year at the earliest, so we have time. Plenty more Cold Water Club!’
‘Then we’d better enjoy ourselves while we can!’ I said.
I would miss Lucy so much. She was my person at work, and now we had Cold Water Club too, and post-Joe she was going to be one of the tent poles of my new life. If she left for the Midlands, I knew I would find it hard without her, but I wanted her to be happy and I would be excited for her and Stuart to start a new adventure together. It also, and rather sadly from my perspective, made me feel a little jealous that Lucy and Stuart were obviously still so in love, while Joe and I were getting nearer and nearer to the day when we might separate for good. I remembered so clearly when we all met, and it felt like the four of us would be best mates forever, but now with Joe and me breaking up and Lucy and Stuart moving, all those dreams of the four of us growing old together in Brighton were nothing more than that. It was how I imagined Paul McCartney felt when Yoko Ono arrived on the scene.
Lucy and I finished up with hugs, and I said I needed to pop upstairs because all I really wanted to do was cry. I needed a moment to compose myself before I rejoined the party.
I left Lucy and went up to my bedroom. As I walked past Dolly’s bedroom, I heard her talking and giggling with Maya, and then I went into my bedroom and closed the door, before I went into the en suite. I sat on the toilet for a moment, trying to get myself together. My life over the past year had been all ups and downs, and all I craved was some normality. Lucy had said that they weren’t moving for a while, but I couldn’t imagine my day-to-day life without her, in the same way I couldn’t imagine the house without Dolly in it, or my life without Joe. All of these things were changing, and it felt like I had no control over any of them. At least things with Joe seemed to be going well, and there was a small part of me that was beginning to wonder if we did still have a chance.
While I was on the toilet, I heard the bedroom door open and then two voices. It was Joe and his father. What were they doing up here in the middle of the party?
‘We should be okay here,’ said Joe.
‘I just wanted a quick word,’ said his father.
They obviously had no idea I was on the toilet, and it felt weird just walking out, so I had no choice but to stay where I was and listen.
‘What’s going on?’ said Joe.
I heard them sitting down on the bed. A pause.
‘I, umm, just wanted to say,’ said Joe’s dad. ‘That I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry? For what?’
‘For everything. For being so distant when you were growing up. For not talking to you about anything, and mostly, I think, being so distant since your mum passed. Being with Juliette has really made me appreciate just how bad I was as a dad. I didn’t always know it, didn’t always want to think about it, but, and this is weird to tell you now, but the thing is, Juliette got me to see a therapist.’
‘Yeah?’ said Joe. ‘That’s great.’
‘Yeah, yeah it is. I had lots of issues, Joe, more than I ever cared to admit, and I think for years I just didn’t know how to deal with it all. Things with your mum. You. Me. Anyway, Juliette is a big advocate for therapy, she’s been going for years, and it’s really helped me see myself and the world in a completely new light.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Joe’s dad truly was a different man. The person I had known all these years was hard-headed, stubborn and terrifyingly old-fashioned. He said so little about his own feelings, I often wondered whether he even had any. Now he was dating a French lady and talking openly about his feelings and failures. Perhaps there was hope for Joe, too.
‘Right, wow, that’s great, Dad. I’m really happy for you, and thanks, it means a lot. You know, it wasn’t just you though, right? I wasn’t good about dealing with things, and Mum just let things fester and get worse without saying anything. We all played our part.’
‘I just… a part of therapy was dealing with my relationship with you, and I wanted to acknowledge that, and say I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t love you because despite everything, I always did. I obviously didn’t always know how to show it or say it, but I did love you. Still love you. That’s what I wanted to say, son.’
