Page 71 of Not Moving Out
‘You don’t have to explain, although I appreciate the comment about my house, and… you think I’m handsome?’
He smiled at me, and I laughed. ‘I think we both know the answer to that. I am sorry though. It wasn’t fair to call you after my argument with Joe.’
‘I’m glad you did. Despite everything that kiss was…’
We looked at each other, then both bashfully looked away after an intense second.
‘It was, but I should probably go.’
‘Right, yes, definitely,’ said Sam.
I left, but after our kiss, which was a little more than pleasant and full of sexual tension, I was more confused than ever.
‘I can’t believe our little girl is off to university,’ said Joe, his voice etched with nostalgia.
I looked across at him, and he smiled at me. He was obviously trying to have the sort of conversation the old us would have had in that situation. Perhaps by reminiscing about the past and lamenting that our little girl wasall grown up, I might forget about the monumentally shitty thing he had done. He had obviously failed to realise just how pissed off I was.
‘I’m not having this conversation right now,’ I said, getting up and walking across towards the dishwasher. I downed the last dregs of my tea, opened the dishwasher, and put the mug inside. Joe got up and walked across, too.
‘Freya, I am so sorry. I am. I was a fucking idiot. A complete and utter fuckwit, but I don’t want this to come between us and ruin everything. Please, just talk to me,’ pleaded Joe, and it was hard not to back down and have a conversation, but I didn’t want to just forgive him. He needed to know how hurt I was, and that this wasn’t just one of those conversations where he said how sorry he was, made a couple of glib jokes, and eventually I forgave him and let him off the hook. I had done that so many times before and I was tired of letting him off the fucking hook. He needed to know that his actions, his words, meant something.
‘I don’t want to have this conversation now, Joe.’
‘But, Freya, we need to talk about it. You need to come home.’
‘I don’t need to do anything.’
‘But you can’t keep living at your mum’s house. Marmalade must be driving you crazy. Seriously, how many times has he mentioned the air fryer?’
I looked at Joe and he smiled at me. He was doing what he always did. He was trying to dampen any sense of drama, of emotion, with comedy. It was, after all, what he was good at, and I felt myself soften slightly. It had always been so hard to stay angry at Joe.
‘A few but that isn’t the point. I’m still so angry at you for what you did.’
‘I know, and I’m so sorry.’
‘You said.’
There was a pause. A momentary silence. Joe took a step closer to me.
‘Freya, when we had the argument, you said you’d thought about us and that maybe there was a chance of us giving it another try. I don’t want this to get in the way of us.’
‘There is no us, Joe. I had thought about it, was thinking about it, but then I found out about the show and now I know I can’t trust you. First there was therapy and now this—’
‘I’ll go to marriage counselling together,’ said Joe suddenly. He was looking at me with a serious expression, a determined look that gripped his entire face. ‘I want to do that for you. For us. Freya, I want to give us another go.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Joe was looking at me with an expression of hope and it was impossible to know what to think at that moment. For so long, I had begged him to see a marriage counsellor and he had always said no. The long conversations that had resulted in us sitting in Pelicano Coffee Co and putting together our ‘Manifesto of Separation’ had been one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. I didn’t want our marriage to be over. I didn’t want to start again, build a whole new life from scratch on my own, but I had realised it was the only solution left when we had tried and failed for eighteen long months to reignite the flame in our relationship. Now, when I had finally given up hope, when I had lost all faith in him, he turned to me and gave me the one thing I had wanted for so long. It was almost fucking cruel.
‘No!’ I said.
‘What do you mean, no? Don’t you think we can be saved?’
‘It isn’t about that, Joe. I asked you again and again to see a marriage counsellor and you said no. I tried everything to make our marriage work. I have shared this house with you since March and it’s now the middle of August, and even when I thought we were making progress, and fuck, I did think we had a chance, you drop the bombshell that you had been lying to me for months! Now you want to see a marriage counsellor and give us another shot. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?’
I couldn’t help the tears that started to slide down my cheeks. I was so tired of crying.
‘I know and I’m a fucking idiot, I am, but I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work. I’ll put in the effort, talk to a therapist together, and I promise no more lies. I have changed, Freya. The last four and a half months living together in this house has made me realise just how much I still want you and need you. I took you for granted, took us for granted, but having some space from our relationship but remaining together has changed everything for me. I still love you. Am still in love with you, Freya.’
I didn’t know what to think, but I knew I couldn’t have that conversation with him yet. I quickly dried my eyes, and then I looked at Joe, as Dolly was suddenly in the room again.
