Page 74 of Not Moving Out
‘You’re welcome. Right, I have to dash. I have another meeting across town to get to, but this has been splendid. We’ll circle back later in the week?’ said Carl, already walking away, and looking down at his phone. ‘Congrats again, this is going to be monumental!’
‘Okay,’ I said absently, but all I could think about was Freya, and whether what I had actually written was a sitcom about a loveless marriage or a show about a couple that still loved each other very much but had just drifted apart. Was the feeling I had when I told Freya how I felt and that I wanted to give us another go more than just a fleeting moment and had I felt the same way all the time, but I had been too stupid, too self-absorbed by my own work to see that, actually, all I really wanted was my wife back?
I stood outside the BBC, frozen by my own question. I wanted Freya back. It was the only thing that actually mattered, and I would do anything to make it happen, and that was when it came to me. The conversation I’d had with Karen and the question she had asked me:What if Freya asked you not to make the show at all? To scrap it completely. Would you?I knew I had to do something big to win her back, and surely nothing was bigger than giving up my career for her. It was a bold move, but when faced with the prospect of losing the only thing in the world you actually needed, it was a small price to pay. For so long, I thought I needed to be a successful writer to be happy, and I needed to be happy at work to be happy in life and with my marriage, but I’d been wrong the whole fucking time. What I needed to be happy was my wife. I took out my phone, dialled her number, and then I waited…
Chapter Thirty-Six
Freya
Lucy had booked a car to take us to Heathrow Airport, and it arrived at just after ten thirty in the morning. The plan was to get to the airport by midday, so we’d have time to eat and have a couple of drinks before boarding the flight to New York. Lucy, in classic Lucy style, had the whole week planned out, and we were all quite excited on the journey up. In the car, Lucy went over everything she had organised for us including a day visiting all the locations from her favourite television show,Sex and the City. She had personally curated an entire day of living like the girls from the show. She had also planned visits to all the top tourist destinations, and had a list of all the best places to eat and drink in Manhattan and Brooklyn. It was going to be a full-on five-day tour of New York’s must-see places, and we were going to be absolutely exhausted on the flight home. Cold Water Club were officially on tour!
We got our bags from the back of the car, and walked into the terminal, ready to get checked in, go through security, and then we would find somewhere nice to have lunch and something to drink to get in the holiday spirit.
‘I just need to pop for a wee,’ said Lucy as soon as we walked into departures. ‘I shouldn’t have had that cup of tea before we left, but Stuart told me the tea in America is awful and if I didn’t have one before I left, I’d regret it.’
‘We’re early, so take all the time you need,’ said Caroline. ‘We’ll guard the bags.’
‘Guard the bags?’ I said as Lucy walked away. ‘Do you think they’re in danger?’
‘You never know,’ said Caroline, and I smiled and then looked around the airport terminal, while Debs started doing something on her phone, Amy wandered off to the toilet, too, and Helen was looking through her carry-on bag.
It felt strange to be there on my own without Joe and Dolly. Most of my other airport experiences for the last eighteen years had been with my family, which meant I had been in charge of their passports, all the travel documents, and making sure I knew where everything was and where we were going. Joe was generally rubbish at that sort of thing, and so it was always up to me, but I also never minded. Flying was generally a little more stressful with them in tow, but being on my own felt strange, too. Like I was missing something. All morning, I felt like I had forgotten something important, when all I didn’t have was my family.
The airport was busy with people arriving, some stressfully trying to find their boarding documents, obviously a little late, and families with young children trying to keep everyone together like they were herding sheep. Couples and singletons breezed along, seemingly without a care in the world, and two young backpackers with giant backpacks, probably off on their gap year, were taking videos on their phones, perhaps posting on Instagram about having the time of their lives. The airport was always a good place for people-watching, and I loved nothing more than guessing where everyone was going and what their situations were. As we were waiting for Lucy, I got a text from Dolly:
Safe flight. Text me when you get there. I want lots of photos! Loveyou!
I texted a reply, Lucy and Amy returned from the toilet, and then we made our way through check-in, and then security.
After browsing the airport shops, having a lovely lunch with a glass of wine, it was finally time to board the plane to New York. There was a genuine sense of excitement in the group at the prospect of the week ahead. The rest of the ladies were already discussing what they couldn’t wait to do in New York. Caroline had been to New York with her husband Mark once before, and was eager to go to a few places she had been with him, and Amy couldn’t wait to do the Friends Experience because it had been the show that had helped her get through chemotherapy.
As we walked along the passenger boarding bridge between the terminal gate and the plane, my phone started buzzing and, when I looked down, I saw that Joe was calling me. I couldn’t answer at that moment, and would wait until I was seated to see if he called again or texted. Why was he even calling me when we had barely spoken in weeks? We showed our boarding passes to one of the flight staff, and then we turned right, passing the lucky business-class passengers, and found our seats. I was sitting next to Lucy and Caroline, with Lucy by the window and Caroline in the middle, and then behind us were Debs, Helen and Amy. We all got seated, stashing our carry-on bags away, and getting ready for the flight. I took out my phone, and saw that there was a voicemail from Joe. I was curious, and pressed play, putting my phone to my ear to listen.
‘Freya, hi, hello, it’s me. I, umm, just had a meeting at the BBC, and they want to commission the show. Everyone is very excited about it, and there’s lots of money involved and they want to make it bigger. Anyway, I’m outside, and the only thing I can actually think about is you. It’s you, Freya. It’s always been you. I thought I needed this show, that I needed a programme on TV again, and that it would somehow magically fix us, fix me, but I was wrong. So, I’m going to give up the show, Freya. I’m going to tell Carl that I won’t do the show if there’s a chance it means I can get you back. So, that’s it. That’s what I wanted to say. I love you. Have a brilliant time in New York, and maybe we can talk when you get back. Okay, bye, bye, bye.’
Then he was gone, and I was sitting in my seat, completely and utterly gobsmacked, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. When he had told me he would see a marriage counsellor, that he still loved me, I said I needed time and space and he had given me that. The thing was, weeks had gone by, and I still wasn’t sure what I wanted. Then there was Sam and the kiss. He had texted earlier, too, and said that when I got back from New York perhaps we could chat. I hadn’t yet responded. I had two men chasing me, which felt surreal because it wasn’t that long ago that I was facing a life alone. Joe still loved me, was prepared to give up his dream of having a show on television again, and it would be so easy to give him another chance, but could I trust him again? Then there was Sam, who was handsome, lovely, and we had so much in common, but was I even ready to start dating again?
‘Everything all right?’ said Caroline, while she fastened her seat belt. She could obviously see the look on my face, and the fact I was probably as white as a sheet.
‘Umm, yeah, fine,’ I said, putting my phone down and fastening my own seat belt. I wasn’t ready to share the details of Joe’s voicemail yet.
Lucy was busy looking out of the window, and I got my phone and listened to Joe’s message back. Should I reply and, if so, what would I even say? I stared down at my phone, wondering how to respond – maybe a brief text that I had heard it with an appropriate emoji – when the captain was suddenly speaking and we were being reminded to put our phones on airplane mode, then Lucy and Caroline were talking, and I couldn’t begin to think clearly, so I put my phone away. Joe would have to wait for a reply until I was firmly on American soil.
The plane took off through light clouds, and we were soon in the air, the green grass of England giving way to the blue of the sky, and speeding off towards New York. Lucy was excitedly telling us about a bar we had to visit that night, after we had checked into our hotel. A drinks service would start soon, then food, and Caroline and Lucy were looking through the media offerings. Lucy was excited because they had bothSex and the Cityfilms, and the television series. I settled in, and we soon had drinks in our hands, and we were talking about the next five days with genuine optimism.
It had been so long since I had been on holiday that I had forgotten what it was actually like, and I had never just been on holiday with the girls before. Lucy was soon off in the world of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte, while Caroline was listening to a podcast from her phone. I wasn’t sure what to do because all I could think about was my marriage. It was strange getting away from Brighton, and having that space because, for some reason, being so far from Joe, from everything I knew, I did feel the need for him or, at least, the comfort of him. Joe and I had always shared these sorts of experiences together. I would miss his almost childlike joy in the smallest of things. He always made travelling fun, and his rose-tinted-glasses way of looking at the world, of finding the comedy in every moment, no matter how stressful, was something I would miss, and it was jarring because I had wanted to get away from him, but now having that distance was like a wake-up call that, actually, things weren’t perhaps as black and white as I had thought when we were on the ground.
I put on my headphones, started listening to some music and closed my eyes, letting my mind drift away in the hope that perhaps some sort of answer might come to me while we were 35,000 feet in the air.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Joe
I needed a plan and not just any plan but a really brilliant plan that would convince Freya I had changed, and that I was serious about saving our marriage. The problem was, as I was sitting in the living room with a cup of coffee, listening to the beginnings of a new day outside, nothing was coming to me. I had already told Freya I would see a marriage counsellor together, and that I would give up the show if it meant saving our marriage. I had confessed my love, put my heart on the line, but nothing had changed and she hadn’t spoken to me about it since. All I had received from New York was a brief text that said:
I still need time.
She had asked for time and space and I had given her both, but surely with her so far away I needed to use this time and space to do something big.
