Page 78 of Not Moving Out
I think we were all taken aback by Amy’s blunt reply, and after a second we all laughed.
‘Okay, fine, I’m good with that,’ added Debs. ‘If Joe accepts a good kick in the balls then maybe take him back! But only on your terms and make them bloody good ones!’
We all took sips of our cocktails, and ate our food for a moment until I looked towards Lucy, who had yet to venture an answer.
‘Luce?’ I said. ‘What do you think?’
‘I think, I can’t really give you a good answer because I know Joe well, too, and he’s friends with Stuart, so it all feels a little weird. Plus, everyone else has given such good answers. I will, however, ask you this. Regardless of what he’s done, the trust issues, etcetera, are you still in love with him?’
This was perhaps the most difficult question to answer, and the one I had been rolling around my head for the past month. One of the reasons I had asked Joe for time and space was that I needed time to really think without being around him. I wanted to feel what it would be like to miss him because then maybe I would know if I was still in love with him or not. Could I imagine a life without him? Would absence make my heart grow fonder?
‘The honest answer,’ I said to Lucy, ‘is that I don’t know. I think I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision that I’m afraid to make any decision. At our age, everything feels so fucking hard, like if I mess this up, then I’m going to be back in the same place in another year when I’m another year older, with another year of wrinkles, more baggage, and another year of being sad. But then I think, what if it’s the best decision of my life? What if we’re happier than ever? Then there’s the possibility of Sam, or at least someone else different down the tracks, too, and it’s like, how am I supposed to know?’
‘I think that’s the thing about life,’ said Caroline. ‘Is that we never know. Whether it’s a wee decision or a huge one, we never know how it will turn out until it does. I say trust your gut.’
‘Hear, hear to that,’ said Helen. ‘Always listen to your gut.’
‘Thank you, ladies,’ I said, and I knew they were right.
‘Well,’ said Lucy. ‘With that, let’s toast to Cold Water Club, being here together in New York, and whatever happens with you and Joe, whenever I end up moving away with Stuart, and whatever happens with all of us, I just wanted to say thank you. Thanks for all the early mornings, the great chats, and just being there for each other. To Cold Water Club!’
‘Cold Water Club!’ we all said in unison, chinking our glasses together over the table, and then I looked at the view of New York, and it felt surreal to be there at that moment with those women. My life for the past six months since Joe and I had decided to separate had felt surreal. Almost as if I was watching it like a film rather than actually living it, and this was the same. Perhaps it was why I was having such a hard time making a decision. I knew when we landed back in London, when my feet were firmly back on British soil, I couldn’t keep avoiding it. Time and space only worked for so long, and so I needed to find out what that last piece of the jigsaw puzzle was. What was the thing that was holding me back from making a decision and would I find out over the course of the next few days in New York?
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Joe
‘Do you really think the sign is a good idea?’ said Dolly.
‘Yes, Dolly. It took me ages to make,’ I said, taking the rolled-up paper that contained the sign, and laying it out on the hallway floor.
‘And you don’t think it’s a bit shit?’
‘Clearly you do.’
‘No, I think the sentiment is fine, Dad, I do, it’s just… Do I really have to hold it up in front of the house where everyone can see us? Like neighbours, people passing by, and drones?’
‘I can’t exactly hold the sign on my own, can I, and drones, really?’
‘I literally saw a drone just the other day,’ said Dolly with a sarcastic smile. ‘I’m just not sure a big gesture is the way to go.’
I stopped for a moment and looked at my daughter. She was leaving for university in a week, and it felt like the moment to impart an important life lesson to her. All my years of experience and of writing about love, and she was going to get all of that knowledge in a single, succinct sound bite.
‘Dolly, when it comes to love, a big gesture is always the way to go,’ I said, and Dolly looked at me, shrugged her shoulders, then walked off to make herself something to eat.
The last five days had been absolute hell. I had wanted to call Freya, text Freya, and explain exactly how I was feeling, but I knew I couldn’t. She’d said she needed time and space and I had to give it to her. After days of ploughing through the turgid workings of my mind, I had come up with The Plan, thanks to my chat with Dad, and now I had everything in place. It had meant calling Carl, and asking for a huge favour from him, but he had come through in a big way and I hoped it was enough. The sign was just the opening gambit in my attempt to win Freya back, but the real surprise, the bit that had taken me all week to do and that I had only finished last night, was what would hopefully convince her I was serious. I had spoken with Dolly and explained everything, and she had been instantly on board with ‘The Plan’ – all except the idea of the sign, apparently – and so, there we were, waiting to greet Freya after five days in New York. The thing was, with almost a month of time and space and five days in New York with her friends, I literally had no idea where her mind was. Perhaps she had already decided that we were done, and nothing I could do or say would make a jot of difference – even offering to give up working onHouse Shared.
On the day before Freya was due to return, I had a Zoom call with Carl, and we spoke for an hour. He’d had a meeting at the BBC and they were willing to offer me a very generous financial package, and initially they wanted ten thirty-minute episodes ofHouse Shared, although, depending on viewing figures, it could be more. I would need to go up to London soon for meetings. Obviously, I hadn’t mentioned to Carl or the BBC that I had offered to scrap the whole project if it meant saving my marriage. If Freya did want to go down that route, I would, but I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation with Carl if that was the final outcome. I wasn’t thinking that far ahead though because I couldn’t. I had to just focus on today.
After a bowl of cereal, Dolly returned to the hallway with a cup of coffee for her and one for me. Freya had sent me her flight information before she had left, and so I had checked they had landed on time. Freya was officially back on British soil! I knew Lucy had booked a car to bring them all home, so fingers crossed she would be walking in the front door soon.
‘Thanks for the coffee,’ I said.
‘You’re welcome. It looked like you needed it. How much longer until she arrives?’
‘Best guess,’ I said, looking down at my watch for some reason, ‘the next thirty minutes.’
‘Right,’ said Dolly, taking a sip of her coffee, and I had to admit I was bloody nervous. No, I was more than nervous, I was absolutely terrified. Not just about the sign because it was, in no uncertain terms, a bit of a gamble, but because this was the rest of my life. I wanted to tell Freya how I felt and what I wanted, but if she felt differently that was it. We would be getting separated, divorced, and I would be alone. My life and dreams of us getting old together in tatters.
