Page 80 of Not Moving Out
I stood next to Freya through the whole thing, and slowly as we watched the film, I heard sobbing, and then I saw that Freya was crying. Lucy was in tears, too, and every other person in that room was also weeping. Eventually the film finished along with the music, and there was a black screen and the words came up:
I want to make you that happy again. Love you always. Joe x
Then it finished, I stopped the computer, and all I could hear was sniffling.
‘That was really lovely,’ said Lucy between tears.
‘It really was beautiful,’ said one of the Cold Water ladies in a Scottish accent, and then Freya stood up and turned to me. I looked at her, and she was obviously tired after a long flight, shocked, but the main thing she looked, above everything else, was beautiful.
‘What do you say, Freya? Will you marry me again?’ I said hopefully, and I waited with bated breath, until finally she spoke.
‘Firstly, Joe, that really was a lovely film, and secondly, I don’t know what I think. We separated for a reason, and I agree that there are reasons why we slept together again, and why despite everything, you still drive me crazy, but I don’t know if it means we belong together. Whether you and I can ever be that happy again.’
I had the sudden terrifying thought that I just wasn’t enough. My big gesture, my words, the film and all the years we had been married weren’t enough, and Freya was going to say no.
‘I’ve spent the last five days in New York having the time of my life. We ate incredible food, visited some amazing places, toured every location fromSex and the City, and saw the view at sunset from the top of the Empire State Building. And yet, every moment of the last five days has also been me thinking about you. Every day I woke up and we walked around New York, and I thought about you. When we were eating the most incredible pizza at John’s of Bleecker Street or drinking cocktails at a jazz bar on the Upper East Side, I was thinking about us, and yet I still couldn’t decide. It only occurred to me when we were coming in to land today that I had spent five days in one of the greatest cities in the world, with my best friends, and all the while, I had been thinking about you and me, and surely that meant that I still loved you because, otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have been thinking about you while I ate one of the best bagels ever at Tompkins Square Bagels, and it was so good, but do you know what I thought? I wish Joe could taste how good this was.
‘So, Joe, I couldn’t make a decision about us, but what I came to realise is that you and I aren’t as simple as a decision. We are a part of each other. But before I answer your question, there is something I have to tell you.’
‘Okay,’ I said somewhat nervously.
‘The day we had the argument, when you told me about the show, I was so angry with you and I kissed Sam later that day.’
‘Mum!’ said Dolly, and everyone in the room looked towards her. ‘Sorry.’
‘I wanted you to know before I said anything else,’ said Freya, and I just looked at her and then I smiled.
‘I don’t care about that, Freya, it’s in the past. The only thing I care about now is the future,’ I said, and then I found myself getting down on one knee in front of her. ‘Freya Jane Wallace, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife again? In sickness and health, through good times and bad, and even when I’m being a bit of a knob, till death do us part?’
Freya looked down at me with tears in her eyes, and said, ‘Of course I will, you daft bugger, now stand up and kiss me!’
I stood up, took Freya in my arms, and our lips came together, and from all around us, all I could hear were whoops, cheers, and all I could feel were Freya’s lips on mine, and I knew I didn’t want to ever stop kissing her. Not now. Not ever.
Chapter Forty
Freya
I didn’t know at what point I would completely lose it. Obviously dropping Dolly at university was going to be tough, and at some point I would have to let all the tears go, and cry like a baby. I had been on the verge of tears all week, ever since I got back from New York. Partly because of what had happened with Joe, and all the tears of joy I had shed over that, and now all the tears of sadness I was crying over Dolly. I had basically been a fucking emotional mess, and you would think I had no tears left, but as we stood in her small room in the halls of residence, and we knew it was time to say goodbye, I could feel a barrage of tears just waiting to escape and explode down my face. How do you say goodbye to your child without completely losing your shit?
It had all started at five o’clock that morning, when we had put the last of Dolly’s bags in the car. It was a six-hour drive to Durham, and we had planned a one-hour stop for lunch in Nottingham, and perhaps another stop at a service station for coffee and snacks. How had it come around so quickly? It only felt like five minutes since Dolly was starting primary school. At times her life felt like it had been so long, and the years when she was little seemed to take an eternity, but now she was leaving us, I wanted to go back and do it all again. I wanted to savour every second once more and cherish each moment with a greater degree of appreciation. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my daughter.
‘So,’ said Dolly, standing in the middle of her small room.
It really was a very tiny space, and it seemed like she might struggle to fit all her stuff in, but it didn’t seem to be bothering Dolly. To be fair, my memories of freshers’ week were mainly being drunk, not sleeping, and signing up for clubs I probably, almost definitely, didn’t attend, and I’m fairly sure I didn’t care once about the aesthetics of my room.
‘So,’ I replied. ‘We should probably—’
‘Yes,’ said Joe. ‘Give you some space.’
‘Okay, well, thank you, and I love you,’ said Dolly, and I could feel myself beginning to crumble. She walked forwards into my arms, and I held her, and I didn’t ever want to let her go. She might feel like a woman now, the curves of her body were definitely feeling more grown-up, but she would always be my little girl.
‘Okay, Freya, I think you can let go now,’ said Joe after about a minute.
I slowly let Dolly go, and she sank into her father and gave him a hug, and then after another few minutes of us dithering we decided it was actually time to go. It was clear Dolly just needed us gone because she wanted to get on with the rest of her life. There were other slightly lost, nervous-looking teenagers in other rooms with other sad, terrified-looking parents saying goodbye. Everyone just had to let go. Joe and I both gave Dolly one final hug each, one last kiss, and then eventually we left her room.
Joe and I walked to our car in silence, and I was doing my best to hold in the tears for as long as I could. We found our car, got in, and I was about to let my tears go, when there was suddenly an almighty sob from next to me. I looked across and, much to my surprise, I saw Joe crying his heart out, and making the loudest racket.
‘Oh my God, Joe,’ I said, my own tears suddenly on hold. ‘Are you okay?’
