Page 36 of Wish You Were Here
‘It’s simple,’ I reply. ‘Parkruns are like survival of the fittest. The fittest and best-looking girls are at the front of the pack with the fittest, most eligible bachelors, while the slowest, less fit girls are at the back with the unhealthiest, laziest men. Ergo, I wasn’t destined to find my soulmate at the back of the pack at a South London parkrun.’
‘Why? Do you think you deserve to be with one of the fittest girls at the front of the parkrun?’ says Flatmate Simon. ‘Because no offence, mate—’
‘That’s not what I’m saying, and offence taken, but you know, maybe somewhere in the middle,’ I reply. ‘But definitely not at the back. Like I said, survival of the fittest.’
‘Or fitties,’ says Hugh with a raised eyebrow, but no-one bites at his joke, and so he gets back to his meat, which is resting on a cutting board, a layer of tin-foil loosely over the top.
After my parkrun debacle, Will mentioned training with him – to increase my chances of finding love – but as I said when he asked if I wanted to go for a run before work at 6am, I’d rather leave my love life in the hands of fate than die by the side of the B224 of a heart attack. Poppy and Hugh begin plating up, Will is filling up wine glasses and Flatmate Simon and Abigail say theyare going to wash their hands. I’m looking at my phone, deciding how to reply to Saskia’s last message. It arrived this morning.
Had a great date with Brad. Although I capsized a kayak and he had to fish a condom out of my hair. Not ideal! I still have a feeling he might be too good for me. He’s definitely too fit for me. But so far, so good. How was the parkrun thing? Did you find love slow jogging around a park? Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you are a slow jogger, but when I think of jogging, I think of slow. Mainly because I am not a runner. Speak soon. Sas xx
Her date with Brad went well, which leaves me with mixed emotions. On one hand, I am happy for her, but on the other, I feel pangs of jealousy, which I know is strange and unreasonable because I am trying to find love in London, too. It’s just, wouldn’t it be incredible if Saskia and I could find love with each other? I know it’s ridiculous and never going to happen, but every time we speak on FaceTime, I feel a connection with her I have never felt with anyone before. I suppose I just need to forget about her like that and move on.
‘Just popping to the loo,’ I say, but everyone in the kitchen is busy and so no-one replies before I walk into the hallway. I am expecting to run into Flatmate Simon and Abigail, but I don’t see them in the hallway and then I hear some hushed tones coming from the lounge. The door is slightly ajar, so I walk across, sneak a peek through a crack in the door and that’s when I see them. Flatmate Simon and Abigail are together, their arms around each other, and then he leans in and kisses her! I immediately push open the door and walk in.
‘What’s going on here?’ I say incredulously, and they immediately pull apart.
‘Nothing!’ says Flatmate Simon, his face flushing red, a tremor of fear in his voice. ‘We were just—’
‘We’re dating!’ says Abigail, stepping closer to Flatmate Simon and holding his hand.
‘Since when?’ I ask.
‘Since burrata-gate,’ says Flatmate Simon.
‘The night Saffy threw burrata at me on Will’s birthday? But that was ages ago. Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask, and they look at each other before Flatmate Simon says.
‘We weren’t sure what it was at first, so we kept it a secret because it seemed easier, and we didn’t want to disrupt the group dynamic if it was just a fling.’
‘And now?’
They both smile, and it is crystal clear that this is more than just a fling.
‘It’s serious,’ says Abigail, and then they kiss again.
This is huge news! My flatmate and one of my best friends are together, perhaps even in love, and I am really happy for them, but with Poppy and Hugh’s news incoming too, I am starting to feel like the last turkey in the shop. The final, bargain basement, nobody wants it even though it has been reduced multiple times turkey that’s starting to look a little rancid.
‘Food’s ready … what’s going on here?’ says Poppy walking into the room, obviously detecting the tension and seeing Flatmate Simon and Abigail together.
‘Flatmate Simon and Abigail are dating!’ I say.
‘Actually, it’s just Simon now,’ says Abigail with a huge smile.
‘Oh my God, that’s brilliant news!’ says a jubilant Poppy, loudly enough that everyone hears, and soon Hugh and Will are in the lounge too, and we’re all congratulating Abigail and Simon – formerly Flatmate Simon – on their news.
Ten minutes later, we are sitting around the table dining, getting ready to eat the incredible feast in front of us, and everyone is questioning Abigail and Simon about how it happened, what’s happening now and what the future holds. They are the star turn, and everyone is excitedly listening to them discuss their relationship. It seems that Abigail and Simon had always found each other attractive – I had no idea – but for whatever reason, neither of them had ever acted on it. Fast-forward to the night of burrata-gate, and we had gone to a nightclub to celebrate Will’s birthday, and when I left early because I wasn’t in the mood for it after Will’s early departure, and with Saffy attacking me with a soft Italian cheese, they had stayed out, had one too many before ending up back at her flat and in bed together.
Eventually we finish talking about the latest and greatest couple at the dining room table, and it’s time for Poppy to share their good news. I have just loaded up my fork with the perfect bite – a small piece of medium rare beef, a crispy goose fat roast potato, Yorkshire pudding, a decent slathering of bright yellow Coleman’s English mustard, all dipped in a puddle of dark, gelatinous homemade gravy – when Poppy tells the table that she and Hugh have some news.
‘We’re pregnant!’ says Poppy, and within seconds everyone is congratulating them, and asking them questions about when it’s due, do they know the sex yet, and is Hugh the father? Actually, the last question was just from me to add a bit of humour to the occasion.
‘I can’t believe it,’ says Will, after we have all toasted Poppy and Hugh with a sip of wine. Obviously, Poppy is drinking a soft drink. ‘Poppy and Hugh are having a baby, Abs and Simon are in a serious committed relationship—’
‘And you’re wondering if it’s time you settled down?’ says Poppy.
‘God, no,’ says Will. ‘I’m far too busy for a relationship right now. I’m going on a month-long expedition to Patagonia in the new year and planning on competing in two Ironman competitions. The last thing I need right now is a girlfriend.’
‘So, what was your point going to be?’ asks Poppy.
