Page 39 of Wish You Were Here
‘He what?’
‘I mean, I wouldn’t have actually died. I was wearing a life-jacket, but when I capsized my kayak, he fished me out of the harbour.’
‘You capsized a kayak?’ says Aaron incredulously. ‘I didn’t think it was possible.’
‘There was a seagull, coffee, it was a whole—’
‘He’s a snake, Sas!’ says Jess. ‘He’ll fuck you over like he fucked Caroline over.’
‘That’s a bit much, Jess,’ says Aaron. ‘Look, Sas. I love Brad, he’s one of my best mates, but when it comes to women, he’s not the best.’
I stand up because I’m feeling a little small sitting down.
‘I think it’s a really bad choice,’ says Jess, and I’m suddenly feeling angry and defensive.
‘Well, it’s not your choice, Jess! You’re choosing to move away and I’m choosing to date Brad. I can be happy for you, why can’t you be happy for me?’
‘Because we’re making a good choice, Sas. Adult choices. We’re buying a fucking house and you’re shagging a man who will definitely do the dirty on you!’
‘But it’s my choice to make!’
‘Good for you, Sas. Making another bad fucking choice. What a shock!’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’re almost thirty. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped fucking about and started acting like a grown-up? You’ve been chasing the dream of being a singer for what, ten years with still no success? You still live at home with your mum, and now you’re dating a man you know will let you down. You’re FaceTiming with a bloke who lives across the fucking world, Sas, as if he could be your boyfriend when it’s impossible. Don’t you see? It’s like since your dad died, you’ve been doing your best not to move on, to make choices with no chance of happiness. You’re sabotaging your life and I’m tired of watching it happen!’
I can’t believe what Jess just said, and even Aaron looks a little shell-shocked in the kitchen. This is what my best friend really thinks of me, and the way she just casually threw Dad into the conversation like that. She knows how much it still hurts, how much it destroyed me and she’s using it against me and all because I’m dating a man she doesn’t like. Jess was the person who at age twelve, when Anna Beth Collins – we used to call her ABC – challenged me to a fight after school, told ABC that she’d have to fight her too. Jess was the person I told about my first period, my first kiss, and the person I went to after Dad died. She held my hand at his funeral. I held her hand when she had her abortion. She has always been there for me since primary school, and I have always been there for her – until tonight.
‘Fuck you, Jess! You have no idea what it’s like to be me!’ I say, and I am going to storm out because what right does she have to judge me like that? I take one last look at Jess,and I think that maybe she might realise she went too far and apologise, but she doesn’t. She just stands there looking at me and poor Aaron looks mortified. After a moment of intense silence, I turn around and storm out of their flat, slamming the front door behind me.
Once outside, I fall apart and begin to cry. I am heartbroken. I can’t believe how cruel Jess was, and at this moment there is only one person in the world I want to talk to about it.
17
Ben
I am barely awake when I get a WhatsApp message from Saskia asking if we can FaceTime. I ask her to give me five minutes because I don’t want her seeing me like this. Barely awake, bed-head at dangerous levels of unruly, and looking like, well, I just woke up. I dash to the bathroom, brush my teeth, run my hands through my hair, splash some water on my face so I feel marginally more alive, and then for some reason apply a dash of eau de toilette. I go back into my room and throw on a shirt as my phone rumbles with a FaceTime request from Saskia.
‘Hi, good morning, although evening for you, obviously,’ I say with a smile, but when I look at Saskia, it’s clear something has happened. ‘Oh, shit, what’s the matter?’
‘I had a huge argument with Jess and she said such horrible things to me.’
‘Jess, your best friend Jess?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Shit, sorry. What happened?’
She’s sitting on her bed and she looks so sad, and I want to reach into my phone and give her a hug. I would give anything to be there for her, to make her feel better, but I’m ten thousand miles away. It’s the first time I have seen this side of her, so fullof sadness and sorrow, and it only makes me want her more. She takes a second, then she tells me everything.
‘I know she hates Brad, but why did she need to bring Dad into it? It felt cruel.’
‘I don’t know Jess, and she’s obviously your best friend for a reason, but using your dad like that feels wrong. Whatever her intention.’
‘Jess knows I’m still so sad about Dad. It was the worst time of my life Ben, and Jess was there through the whole thing. She knows Dad was my biggest supporter, we were best mates, and then he died and it crushed me. She knows how many years I have been dealing with this, and the fact she brought it up like that, I’m not sure I can ever forgive her.’
‘She thinks you’ve been sabotaging your life since your dad passed?’
