Page 70 of Wish You Were Here
I let go of his hand, and before I tell Rhonda he’s gone, I look across at the nightstand. Since the day he moved in, Lou’s had apicture in a cheap silver frame on his nightstand. It’s a photo of Lou and his wife, Daphne, getting married. Lou looks so young, and he’s standing there, in front of a church in a suit next to Daphne, who looks gorgeous in a beautiful white dress. They’re both smiling, in love, and seeing it now breaks my heart. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Before I leave the room, I take the photo with me as a reminder of Lou and the moments we shared. Also, if no-one collects their things, the home will just throw it all away. I pick up my guitar, the photo and leave Lou’s room for the last time.
Outside I find the nurse, and I tell her what’s happened. She needs to perform all the procedural things that need to be done when someone dies, and after I find Rhonda, we walk back to her office together.
‘Sorry for your loss, Sassie. I know you two were close.’
‘We were,’ I reply, sitting down opposite her. I’m about to ask about the cheque, and whether I can actually keep it, when Rhonda starts speaking.
‘Listen, Sassie. After we spoke about Lou’s son, and knowing it was getting towards the end, I started looking into it. I made a few calls, did a bit of digging, and this might come as a bit of a shock, and I only found out this morning myself, but as it turns out, there is no son.’
‘What?’ I say incredulously. ‘But he lives in Melbourne. Lou spoke about him all the time. He said he pays for him to be here.’
‘He had a son, Nathan. He died when he was a teenager, apparently. Something about a swimming pool accident. I couldn’t get all the information. Anyway, Lou Sanders had no-one when he died. The poor bastard was literally all by himself, well, except for you, of course.’
‘Oh, that’s so sad,’ I say, and then I start crying. Really fucking crying. Rhonda is soon passing me tissues to wipe my eyes, but I can’t stop the tears that come and come. Lou’s sondied when he was a teenager. It’s no wonder Lou was such a cantankerous old bastard. The only two people in the world he loved, and they were both gone. I was going to ask Rhonda about the cheque, and whether I could legally keep it, but if he had no-one else, if I was the only person he had left in the entire world, then surely if it’s what he wanted, then I should keep it because it’s like he wrote on the envelope.Go and live your life. It’s short. Fucking enjoy it. Choose love!
29
Ben
I am having brunch with Poppy, Hugh, Simon and Abigail at a cafe in Balham. Will couldn’t be here this weekend because he’s doing a hundred-mile bike ride in the Scottish Highlands, and then he’s spending four days visiting his sister in Edinburgh, who is training for a marathon. I have no idea what their parents put in their porridge when they were growing up, but it seems both of them are full of energy, have the desire to challenge themselves and live life to the fullest. I, on the other hand, am living life with the handbrake firmly on. I am in the slow lane watching everyone fly past, terrified of what might happen if I put my foot down, but also desperate to do something different and take a chance before it’s too late. Jemma is home for the weekend, visiting her parents, and I, it seems, have a few days to get my head straight before Christmas. She wanted me to go with her to meet her parents again, but I made an excuse about having some work to get done. I am still reeling from my FaceTime with Saskia and trying to work-through the complicated knots in the fabric of my existence.
We are sitting around a long wooden table, full of plates of food, mugs of coffee, and Hugh is telling us an anecdote about someone at his work called Neil.
‘Neil is sitting at his desk, minding his own business, going through the weekly numbers, when Sarah from HR, lovely lady, owns a horse, also called Sarah—’
‘Wait. She called her horse Sarah even though she is also called Sarah?’ says Abigail.
‘No, it was already called Sarah when she bought it, and rather than confuse Sarah the horse, she kept calling it Sarah despite the fact she is also called Sarah,’ says Hugh. ‘So, Sarah from HR comes across to Neil, and asks him to follow her, Neil thinks he’s in trouble, and then,’ says Hugh, chuckling to himself. ‘She takes him into her office, closes the door and after five minutes he comes out, sits down and gets back to work.’
We all look at each other, and it’s up to one of us to ask the obvious question.
‘So, what happened?’ I ask.
‘That’s the funny thing,’ says Hugh. ‘Nothing. He just needed to sign some paperwork, but you should have seen his face when she called him into her office. Classic Neil.’
‘I guess you needed to be there for that one,’ says Simon, and we all get back to our food. ‘So, Ben, what’s happening with you and Saskia? Did you do the deed?’
‘I did. It’s over,’ I reply.
‘How did Saskia take it?’ asks Abigail.
‘She was really sad about it.’
‘What about you?’ asks Poppy. ‘How are you doing?’
How am I doing? This is the question I have been asking myself since my FaceTime with Saskia. From the moment I put my phone down on my bed, I didn’t feel right about it. I knew I had to do it, but it left me feeling bereft, and if that’s the case, then surely it wasn’t the correct decision, right? I have feelings for Jemma. She is lovely, perhaps perfect for me – except when it comes to buying presents – and we could have a brilliant life together, but there is just one thing she isn’t, and that is Saskia.But how can we be together? Is it even possible? It doesn’t feel like it, or maybe I’m just not brave enough to make it happen. I know if Will were in my position, distance wouldn’t stand in his way — he would probably paddleboard all the way down under. But I am not Will. He’s the King of always saying ‘YES!’ and I’m the champion of always saying, ‘maybe, we’ll see, but you know, it’s tricky, isn’t it?’
‘I’m not great, to be honest.’
‘Lay it on me, Ben,’ says Hugh.
‘Who do you think you are?’ says Poppy. ‘Lay it on me, indeed.’
‘Sorry, old boy, how can we help?’ says Hugh.
‘I think …’ I say, and I can’t believe I am going to say this out loud, but I think I have to. ‘I want to be with Saskia.’
‘What?’ says Poppy incredulously. ‘Seriously?’
