Page 107 of Whispers of Helena
Her voice is meant to reassure me, but something deep inside whispers otherwise.
I exhale, rubbing a hand over my jaw. “Okay.” Taking her hand, I lead her toward Shadow. “One more ride.”
The cemetery’siron gate groans as we push it open. The sun shines high above us, casting tender rays of light over the headstones. A soft breeze stirs the tall grass, making it dance in slow waves. It doesn’t feel the same as last time, there’s no heavy emotion pressing down on me, no suffocating grief.
We walk toward the back, stopping at our stone. A smaller marker just beyond it catches my eye. Kiran’s name is etched into the surface, a tiny horse carved beneath it. My chest tightens as memories claw their way in. His small, fragile body on that terrible night. But then, a quiet gratitude settles over me. He won’t remember any of it.
Caroline kneels on the grass, delicately brushing dust from the stone. “He’s such a sweet boy. We did so well with him.” She looks up at me, smiling softly.
I nod, my throat thick. “I don’t think a sweeter soul has ever lived. He does everything with his whole heart.” I lower myself beside her, placing my hand on her thigh. “He got that from you, I think.”
Caroline’s smile deepens, but her eyes change.
“Silas, do you ever wonder why Kiran has aged, but you haven’t?”
Her words sink in, but their meaning feels just out of reach. I think back over the years, over each of Kiran’s birthdays and the way I’ve marked his growth on the kitchen doorway, carving faint lines into the wood. I picture those marks stretching higher, year after year, tangible proof of time passing. Then, a different image flashes in my mind. My own reflection staring back at me in the bathroom mirror. The silver at my temples hasn’t spread, the lines around my eyes remain unchanged. I don’t look any older.
A strange chill slides down my spine.
“I haven’t,” I murmur, my thoughts racing to connect the dots. “Not until now.” My voice wavers, uncertainty creeping in. “Is it because he was so young when he died?”
Caroline shifts, facing me fully. Her legs fold beneath her, bracketing mine, as she takes my hand between her own. There’swarmth in her touch, but it does nothing to stop the cold seeping into my bones.
“The Kiran here?” she says gently. “He isn’t real, Silas.”
A frown tugs at my brow. “Of course not,” I say, shaking my head. “He’s a spirit, like us.”
But she doesn’t nod. Instead, her fingers tighten around mine. “No, Silas.” Her voice is steady, but there’s something fragile beneath it. “The real Kiran is in Heaven, waiting for us. He’s still small. He’s sleeping with the angels until we get there.”
I blink, her words landing like stones in my chest. “What?” The question barely leaves my lips. “Then…who is the one here?”
Caroline exhales, glancing up at the sky as if searching for the right way to explain. “Silas, he’s part of this world. The one you created when you stayed behind. Why do you think he still sees me as Helena?” Her gaze drops back to mine, and I see the sadness there. “How do I say this?” She pauses, choosing her words carefully. “He’s a ghost of a ghost.”
My stomach twists. “He isn’t real?”
Compassion softens her features, but it does nothing to lessen the ache forming inside me. “Exactly.”
A slow, agonizing breath leaves my body. My hands curl into fists against my thighs. I love something that isn’t even real. The Kiran I’ve watched grow, the boy that I’ve held, laughed with, protected; he’s just an illusion, a mirage of a life that never got to unfold.
My voice barely comes out. “The real Kiran is in Heaven?”
Caroline nods. “He’s still two, still the sweetest, cutest boy he ever was.”
A thick lump swells in my throat. My heart fractures beneath the knowledge of it all, splintering like fragile glass. I want to hold on to the Kiran I know. The boy I’ve watched grow in this place, the one who has lived beside me in this endless twilight. But another part of me aches, desperate to cradle my small, precious son once more. The way he fit so perfectly in Caroline’s arms, his tiny fingers curling against her skin. The way his feather-light breaths would lull me to sleep when he dozed on my chest.
I swallow hard. “How do I see him again?”
Caroline’s expression softens, her lips curling into a gentle smile. “You repent, Silas.”
I drop my gaze to the stones in front of us, tracing the engraved letters with my eyes. These markers have bound me to this world, anchoring me in a place I was never meant to stay. As long as I linger here, I am nothing more than a vestige tied to this earth, tethered to the cold silence of the graves beneath us.
Why would I choose this? Why would I choose the emptiness of stone and soil when eternity waits beyond? A place where fear and pain dissolve, where love is all that remains. A place where Caroline, Kiran, and I can finally be together, whole and unbroken.
A firm, sure decision washes over me.
I turn to Caroline, my fingers tightening around hers. “Will you pray with me?”
Her breath catches, and fresh tears spill from her luminous eyes. She presses her head against my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me.
