Page 71 of Whispers of Helena
“He went to Ruth’s?” A flicker of hope stirs in my chest. “Did she say anything? Did she help him?”
Eli eases from the table, standing with the confidence of someone who’s already made up his mind. “I didn’t touch your things, but you should pack a bag. Go to Ruth’s for a while.”
My stomach twists. “Eli?—”
“He’s angry, Caroline. He needs time to cool off, and you being here won’t help. It’s better if you’re not around when he gets back.”
My shoulders slump, tears burning my eyes. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
“What the hell happened?” Eli’s voice is edged with frustration. “He was fine this afternoon, and then the two of you nearly tore the place apart.”
I swallow hard. “My…my veil dropped.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” he mutters. “You’ve been so careful?—”
“I know,” I say tartly. Closing my eyes, I take a beat to regain my composure, reminding myself that this isn’t Eli’s fault. “I couldn’t control it this time,” I add, voice weary, frayed.
Eli’s jaw tightens. “Why? You knew he wasn’t ready.”
I exhale sharply, my patience hanging by a thread. “Because we were making love, Eli.” I level him with a look. “Now shut up so I can pack.”
His mouth parts, his face turning a deep shade of pink. “Oh,” he mutters, scratching the back of his neck. “Well, I guess that’d do it. Hard to keep control of one’s senses in a moment like that.”
“Yeah,” I mutter, already moving toward the stairs. “It is. Now, keep watch while I grab a few things.”
Up in my room, I pull my suitcase from beneath the bed and start packing, tossing in enough clothes to last however long I’ll need to stay at Ruth’s. Satisfied, I close the latch, my fingers hesitating over the worn leather binding of my Bible before tucking it under my arm.
I pause, tilting my face toward the ceiling, my breath shaky.
“God? I don’t understand,” I whisper. “I don’t understand your ways right now. I don’t understand why you would test us again.” My throat tightens, the words honest and uneven. “I’m confused. I’m angry. Please quiet my heart. Help Silas and protect Kiran. Help me fix this. And Lord…” My voice falters. “I feel so alone in this, so far from you. I’ve never felt this alone.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I swipe at it, frustrated with myself. I’ve never doubted before. No matter what trials I faced, I always found the silver lining, always trusted His promises. But tonight, something feels different. The doubt creeps in like a slow-moving tide, swallowing the certainty I once held so tightly.
I don’t want to blame Him. But the feeling is there, festering beneath my skin.
I exhale, trying to shake it off, but it clings to me.
With a deep breath, I hoist the suitcase off the bed. One last glance around the room, a quiet plea hanging onto my heart, then I step toward the door.
Gone
Silas
The morning suncrests over the horizon, pulling me from a restless, useless sleep. The steady sound of the stream blends with the slow, rhythmic breaths from Shadow, a quiet reminder that the world still moves forward.
I sit up, the cool grass damp with dew beneath my palms, and take in my surroundings. Everything is as it should be. The sun rises, the water flows, the birds sing, the ground is solid beneath me.
Yet, I am not the same.
Even with a new day, everything remains unchanged. Except me. Because the realization of knowing what I am has shifted my understanding of my place in this world.
Life carries on, indifferent to the storm inside me. A wave of smallness washes over me, a harsh feeling of insignificance against the vastness of it all. If the world continues on, did my existence even matter? I press my eyes shut, tilting my face toward the sun as its warmth touches my skin.
And then I think of Caroline’s journal.
I lookat him sometimes and wonder if he knows how much I love him. If he knows how beautiful he is. How I could stare at him forhours, memorizing every feature, every strand of hair, every inch of his skin. He’s my rock, my provider, my lover, my friend. And sometimes, I feel in my bones that I am not worthy of him.
I’ve been a mess since Kiran was born. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, the constant demand of motherhood. But I’m tired. I can’t find the balance between being a mother, a wife, and myself. I feel like I’m failing everyone.
