Page 51 of With a Broken Wing
So why did my eyes hang on the calendar? A week and a half until the Fourth of July. I shouldn’t care, but I hit the name on my phone. On the third ring, the line picked up. “I need your help planning a party.”
If I held my breath,I thought maybe the next one would never come. My throat constricted in that way that made my heart feel like it was being wrung dry and like my lungs wanted to gasp for air and release the breath I was holding at the same time. Every moment, the agony sat heavier on my chest until my body shook and a sob wracked through me.
Warm tears streamed down my cheeks, and I buried my face in Katie’s lap. My tears wet the leg of her jeans, but she ignored it, brushing my hair back from my face. “I know I can’t make the pain go away, babe, but I’m here for you. I’m right here.” She ran even circles over my back with her hand, but my body still convulsed.
It had been over a week since I was put on a plane and sent home, suddenly left without a job, a sense of security, and the man I was starting to think I couldn’t live without. The man I was falling in love with.That I had already fallen in love with.
For nine days, I’d worn the same pair of shorts and oversized T-shirt. My hair was probably permanently knotted in the shape of the bun that sat messily on top of my head, and I was thankful Katie was willing to look past the stench. When was the last time I’d showered?
The memory of my last day in New York crossed my mind. I’d deleted the text messages to stop myself from reading his note and seeing the picture I sent him. My face was so different in that picture, like I was genuinely happy. I couldn’t see that without a cold, stabbing pain piercing my throat.
Surely I had showered since I’d been home in Grand Rapids, but I couldn’t think of a point when I’d climbed off the couch to confirm that. I hadn’t even slept in my bed. Putting sheets on the mattress sounded like too much work when I’d toss and turn all night just to get no sleep, which didn’t come without a heavy dose of guilt in the form of the last of my pills.
“Andy, maybe just say something so I know you’re alive?” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“I just wish I wasn’t.” I sighed, letting another tear slide down my cheek.
I’d opened my eyes just long enough for an image of Demetri to make its way into my mind like a video when my front door flew open. The lights that were turned on overhead were bright, and I closed my eyes again.
“Get the fuck up, Andy. Now!” Auston’s voice was demanding and harsh, but his grasp on my wrist when he grabbed it was gentle.
I yanked my arm back, curling into a tighter ball in the protection of Katie’s lap. “No. Go away.”
“You only want me to go away because I’m not going to let you just kill yourself this way.” He gestured angrily to my position on the couch. “You shouldn’t be encouraging it either. Why would you just let her do this?”
Katie stiffened beneath me. “Back off, Auston. She just needs to know she’s not alone.”
“She knows she’s not alone, Katie. Giving up is what she’s doing.”
“She’ssitting right here, asshole,” I mumbled, pulling the blanket that covered my hips up and over my head. “Now go away. I’m fine.”
Auston was mostly gentle when he grabbed my shoulders and forced me into an upright seated position. I got lightheaded, the room spinning briefly before I got used to the change. “You’re not fine, Andy. You need to dosomething. You scare me when you’re like this.” His arms were tight when he closed them around me, pulling me against his chest. I didn’t hug him back.
When he got up and walked into the kitchen, opening the cabinet and grabbing one of the plastic cups I’d collected in college from the shelf, I wanted to lie back down. Katie put her hand on my thigh, patting me for encouragement. It didn’t make me feel comforted, but she was always the friend who wanted to help. It’d make her feel better.
Auston came back with a cup of water. “I knew taking the job with him was going to be a mistake,” he mumbled. “Drink.”
I considered arguing but thought better of it when the liquid touched my lips. When was the last time I had really had much to drink? The water was cold, and I could feel each gulp sliding down my throat and settling in my stomach.
Shame flooded through me. I didn’t remember much of anything from the last week except for the way my heartbeat seemed to live in my throat these days. When I drained the cup, my brother took my hands.
“Come on, get up. Go take a shower. You’ll be glad you did. We all will,” he added with a nudge. Leave it to my brother to make jokes. He always did that when he was uncomfortable or needed to lighten the mood. I assumed in this case it was both.
I started to shake my head and lie back down when he pulled my arms, forcing me to my feet. “Go. Do it. Don’t make me send Katie in there with you.”
“Fine,” I huffed out, shuffling towards the bathroom. “You’re a dick.”
“I love you too, little sister.”
I rolled my eyes, slamming the bathroom door behind me and locking it. When the water pouring from the showerhead was hot enough to fill the small room with thick clouds of steam, I pulled back the curtain and climbed in. It stung my skin, but I didn’t turn it down.
The skin that sat directly in the stream tingled and turned an angry pink. How hot would the water have to be to cause damage? I looked at the nozzle, tempted to turn it warmer. Testing how much I could handle would make me feel something. I needed to feel something beyond the numbness that had taken over me.
Instead of turning the temperature up, I stuck my face in the stream. It beat on my closed eyelids and cheeks. I couldn’t breathe between the drops. I considered inhaling for a moment, breathing in the steaming water and letting it fill my lungs.
My legs shook, and exhaustion washed over me. Suddenly the lack of sleep crashed over me, and I sat on the ground. The porcelain tub was colder than usual when compared to the heat of the water. I shivered from the cold and sting at the same time, lying down in the tub. Until the water ran cold and goose bumps covered my skin, I stayed there.
“You can’t ignoremy calls. I’m your sister now, remember?” Jules stormed into my office and made herself at home, dropping into the chair. She didn’t knock, making her entrance with a flick of her blonde hair.
