Page 48 of Love the Way You Lion
“You know what? I don’t care. You’re going to hear this whether or not you want to. Rafe filled me in on his first run-in with her since the funeral this afternoon.” He gives me a surprised look and I stand my ground. “Based on his conversation with her, I realize what she said to you. I know what she did.”
Taurus says nothing, but I see him flinch when I tell him that Rafe saw her, too. He’s worried about Talia, but he doesn’t need to be. What he needs to worry about is what he’s letting that stunted little witch do to us.
I’m the one being vilified unfairly here, and I’m doing my best not to flash over to worse situations—but it’s difficult.
“I am not, nor have I ever, been called or asked to be, Wilde’s wife. She’s baiting you. He never gave me a ring—someone else did, but I stopped wearing it months ago.”
He blinks at me, his expression still enraged.
“If you now doubt how much you mean to me in comparison, I’ll tell you something I’ve not told them or you yet. I let you bite in a place that’s almost over his mating mark from day one. I don’t know if it was subconscious at first, but after a while, I allowed it. He didn’t bite me there after we mated. He, uh, he bit other places for, uh, other reasons.” I swallow hard for a moment and press on, hoping to cut off that memory montage. “Speaking of marks, I’ve been healing all the ones that belonged to your brother until I erased them. Maeve healed the tattoo during the draining, but I think she knew I was ready for that. On Rafe, too, if you’re wondering where he is in all of this.”
Maybe that got through to him because he stops glaring at me, expression surprised.
“Last, I’ve never allowed anyone to drink as much from me as you have. We mixed our blood like our souls are. It’s why you’ve been able to access a little of my healing and some of my power. You didn’t notice because you’re a clone and assumed it was part and parcel of that. I’d drain again with you, even if I couldn’t come back. When I came back, I was yours in a brand new way. I’d never have considered doing that or having a child with Wilde, even if he asked.”
My claim is one hundred percent true, and I wish I could get him to believe that without giving up so much trauma. I could lift the burden if I could accept that I was so beaten down before that I let a serial abuser keep me emotionally—and physically—hostage for months until I met with Taurus. Rafe and I could face it and heal, but it is not time yet.
I’ll know when it is—it’s just not now.
I take a breath and let it out, voice softening. “I love you more than I thought was possible.”
His golden eyes blink, and his chest is heaving. He’s still snarling, but the ridges on his forehead melt away and his body unclenches. I might get through to him.
So I push the long, curly tresses out of my face, shrugging. “That’s all, I guess. I kind of flew off half-cocked and ran out of steam.”
A shudder ripples through him and he crumples to his knees, his head bowed on the ground. I watch, not sure what to do or say, except that I feel like I have to keep my distance. He doesn’t want me nearby; I feel that. I chew on a fingernail as I watch him, not knowing what else I can do or say but wait. Sucking in a breath, I reach out, not quite touching him.
He shrinks back and I flinch, trying to stave off the pain that causes me, so I focus on him. His voice is raw and weak as he speaks in my mind.
~What I know isn’t what she knows. She was in my home and she thought—she thinks... ~His shudders intensify and his teeth chatter from draining adrenaline.~I can’t tell her. I have to say nothing; I took it. ~
My heart breaks in my chest at his words, and I close my eyes. I need to control my reactions because I don’t deserve comfort; this is my fault. I’ve made him feel this way because he’s trying to berespectful of others. My inability to cut these last few ties has made himvulnerable;it’s made him hurt.
I scoot back, letting my hair curtain over my face so it hides my face.~What can I do? ~
His dry chuckle is a mockery—echoing a soul laid bare.
~I can’t ask. I won’t ask. I wonder sometimes, though. Why is hurting them by telling them how it is with us a more grievous sin than hurting me by not telling them? I wonder. I bleed inside with it. ~
Dropping my head more—this time in shame—I suck in a breath.
~Maybe it’s not. Hurting anyone is a sin, baby. But hurting you like this is making me ill. I suppose I’ve always thought of you as stronger. I thought you were secure in how much you meant to me and it didn’t matter what anyone else knew, didn’t know, or poked their nose into. I don’t know. Sari knows about the ring; she used that to hurt you; I think. I should have a talk with her once she sobers up; you’re right. I can’t promise that I can change her mind about how she views us. I’ve never been able to change her views on me, not once the whole time I’ve known her. ~
~I don’t care what the lemmings know or don’t know, but she came into my house. My family’s home and I wanted to tear that smug superiority off her face, but I didn’t. I didn’t. ~He keens low and deep, the pain and pride warring in him.~The skilled manipulator strung me up in my home and I let her. I’m ashamed of myself. ~
I blanch, feeling even more ashamed, even dirtier inside. If I’ve questioned myself about why I haven’t revealed the whole of my past with Sari and Wilde, this is why. This kind of shame is unbearable. I’ve kept it so long that I can’t even speak of it, and this is not helping me get closer todoing so.
Swallowing my pride, I reach out with my heart instead of my hand. “Baby, don’t get upset. Sari has been playing this game for a long time. She was looking for things to hurt you because she’s hurting over Wilde. Last time we talked, she compared me to Tamara and Rhea—traitorous emotional vampires. She struck out with the most painful accusation she could, and she knew it. She did the same thing to you today. Instead of bringing up a million other things, she brought up me. She knows I’m your weak spot and the more we protest it, the more she knows it’s true.”
Taurus doesn’t answer, so I keep going. “She does it when she’s lashing out and I’m pissed. She’s at her house, lolling about drunk, watching cartoons and giggling like an idiot, knowing she’s caused you pain. I’m so royally pissed right now!”
Sucking in a huge lungful of air, he raises his head. He looks around the room with no expression on his face, taking in the devastation with cool detachment. “Maybe cartoons are the sodding way to go. I should have thought of that when my heart was being ripped out of my bloody chest.”
“I’m concerned about you. I’d lay myself down and let you grind your heel on my heart if it helped.” My voice breaks and I let my head fall again, wanting my face hidden so he can’t see the pain and regret written on it. “I don’t deserve you. I live with that knowledge. My choices mean I live with knowing I hurt you because I’m not strong enough. I hurt others because I’m not strong enough. I can’t lose you, so whatever I need to do to help you, I’ll do it. You are my mate, my match, the missing piece from my soul, and I love you with every corner of my rotten little heart.”
Pain arcs across his face. “Set me free. Release me from the bonds that kept me silent today. Allow me to be me—to not care, to stand up for what’s true. I didn’t do that today. I let your affection for a cancer in our relationship seep into me, sicken and weaken me. I can’t and won’t do that any longer.”
This will splash back on me, but I owe it to him to let him be who he is, even if it’s going to make my situation worse.
