Page 90 of Love the Way You Lion
Walking over to her, I drop onto the sand, giving her a puzzled look. “No need to feel sorry, but I guess I don’t get it. What did those idiots say to you?”
She looks out on the water, upset, and murmurs, “I don’t think he loves me; he wants Taurus. I’m a second thought to him.”
I blink, feeling thrown off balance. I’m so stunned that I don’t quite have the words yet. “If I could let you feel how untrue that is, I would. I can’t—I don’t have that kind of empathy. It’s just—it’s so untrue.”
“When that bastard of mine was feeling lonely for you, they started talking, and Taurus got irritated with him for not contacting me like he did when you were at work.” Dropping her head, she sighs. “I punished Taurus. He should have kept his damn mouth shut or occupied.”
I sigh, still unsure how to help without getting far too involved in their issues. “Sometimes Rafe assumes people know how he feels. He’s more of an action person than a words person. He’s trusting enough to forget that some people need to hear it out loud. That’s my fault because we’ve always been so intuitive and connected that words aren’t necessary much of the time.”
“I’ve never thought he loved me as much as Taurus loves you. I’m used to that.”
Fucking what?! She’s saying thisnow?After all these things happened?
Frowning, I murmur, “I don’t think that’s fair. Taurus and I have three months of trials and triumphs to build on and develop that kind of bond. We’ve had longer to weather and longer to get more confident in our relationship. I’m sure Rafe felt like a complete moron if Taurus said something about not talking to you. Heprobably even got defensive that Taurus had done something he hadn’t.”
Talia doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know where Rafe and I have been—neither of them does. She can’t know how close he was to holing up in our house like a hermit for the rest of his days after the exes. She doesn’t know what punishment Rafe took to allow me the space to find Taurus.
I can’t tell her either.
It’s not entirely my story to tell, and telling part of it means I’d have to tell all of it. Neither of us is ready to tell the tale of the winter trauma. I still can’t think about it, and every day, something comes up that makes me think about forcing it so they’ll understand why we are the way we are. It’s not healthy to bottle it up, but it’s been that way for so long now that we have to be ready to take on all that pain again or it’ll consume us.
I can’t let their insecurity force me to do something that I don’t know if he and I can survive yet.
I shake my head and say, “I don’t think you realize how close he was to giving up until he met you. Sometimes I was sure he was going to—I was sure that I was going to come home one day, and he’d disappear. He ran off once a long time ago when he got hurt. He left for three days. This time I got the feeling he wouldn’t be back.”
She sighs and picks up handfuls of sand, running them through her fingers, and watching them fall. “He’s got Taurus, and so do you.”
“I’m sure he cares for Taurus, but I know very little about that yet. I absolutely know what he feels about you. I know how bloody silly he looks when you’re not around, and he’s thinking about youwhen he thinks no one is looking. I know that I’ve never seen him act as he did with you that night. I’ve never seen him allow himself to want someone all to himself. If Wilde hadn’t done a header, he might have even asked you not to see him anymore. It upsets him to think about it, and I don’t think he ever felt that before.”
Resting her chin on her knees, she shrugs. “I don’t know, Del. He and I—it’s been hard. We’ve been less with the calm good times, you know?”
I nod, feeling like I’m the wrong person to be having this conversation and uncomfortable to be doing it. But I will, because he deserves someone he loves to believe in him, and because she deserves to know what she’s missing.
“He’s let plenty of people almost leave him because he wouldn’t be selfish enough to weigh in on how much they meant to him. He wouldn’t ask for what he wanted. But with you, he does. I think without you, he’d give up. Taurus may be novel and he may enjoy him, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t crazy about you. Besides, Taurus and I haven’t had it easy, either.”
Talia doesn’t respond, and I search for the words to help her understand who he is, who we are, how we work. “Rafe and I lead complicated lives. We’re a trial—the things you and Taurus have to go through to be with us are difficult. Trust me when I say that we know that. I know it makes me feel you’d be better off without us making those waves for you.”
“It’s too late. You lead complicated lives—lives I will never understand—but I love both of you, so I build my boat to handle the waves.”
I don’t like the sound of that; it’s like she’ll accept them to prevent her from losing what she wants. That’s not how it works, and it will cause a lot of problems.
Looking out into the ocean, I whisper, “I’ve often wondered if I’m worth the trouble. I’m sure he has too. I know you’re worth the petty crap we deal with from the mates, but we’re used to dealing with their shit.” I scrunch my toes in the sand and shrug. “I think if he contacted you, then his intentions were good. Hell, I know that unless you’re hurt, he rarely contacts me when he’s with you. It’s not a sign of him loving or wanting to be with one person more than another. It’s more of a sign that he realized he’d been a jackass and wanted to let you know he knew he’d been a jackass.”
“I know Taurus loves me; I know you care about me. I don’t know why, but with Rafe, I’m afraid that he doesn’t.” She tilts her head, reaching out to touch my hair. “You are worth the waves, love; you are. You sound defensive.”
How could I not when you’re sharing feelings that threaten everything we just started building?
But I don’t say that; instead, I go back to the subject of my primary. “Rafe is out of practice with people that aren’t me. He’s only had people who don’t care whether he loves them. Rafe’s not connected with anyone since the Rhea incident, not even his other mates,” I say, musing for a moment then giving her a sad smile.
“But this is a complaint I’ve heard before; he doesn’t say the words as much as do things he thinks communicate his love. It causes problems.”
My eyes close and I listen to the sea again, finding its song calming and soothing. I’m going to cry for him soon as I think while he may have found the people that he could spend the rest of his life with, he may lose his wife. It’s not because he’s a bad person or a poor mate.
It’s because they always want him to be someone he’snot—me.
The opposite is true as well, and I do not know how to explain that, but it’s the tragedy of being involved with a bunch of self-absorbed narcissists until now.
That’s why I need to get her to understand; it’s not an option if I want to avoid the two of us being destroyed again.
