Page 91 of Love the Way You Lion
The Cat Realizes Paradise Has Been Paved Over
DELILAH
“I’ve never seen him move as fast as he did with you. He left bitching at me to go out with you. I sure as hell knew he liked you from that very second because he doesn’t walk off with people he just met, not anymore.” I dig my feet in the sand, feeling exposed for a moment. “I didn’t mean to be defensive. I wonder sometimes if Rafe and I should be so selfish as to pull others into our miasma of bullshit. If it’s worth it to have other people get some taints that follow us on them so we can be happy. It’s pretty emo, but it’s true.”
“Could you sit with me for a few minutes? I want to hold you while I think. Is that okay?”
I nod.What other options do I have?“Yes, it is.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No, I’m not. I’m worried, fretting, and self-judging, but not mad at you. Why would I be?”
I’m not mad at her, but I’m terrified for both Rafe and me.
She pulls me down and sits me between her legs, wrapping her arms around my waist. She rests her chin on my shoulder and looks out at the water. “I’m so unsure and for being so much bloody trouble.”
I don’t know how to answer that without qualification. My fears have me paralyzed.Do I reassure her?“I can’t be mad at you for having feelings. I’m unsure all the time; it comes with emotional scarring. You’re wonderful and beautiful. I love being with you, and so does he. I can’t make you believe what isn’t germane to you, though.”
Frowning, she holds me close. “I don’t know why I believe you and not him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Maybe it’s because I’m here telling you myself and you need him to tell you himself? It could also be because you were sure that Wilde didn’t love you, sure other people have used you, and now it’s hard to trust Rafe because those people have betrayed you? People have used you to get to Taurus before. Perhaps that informs your bias now.”
“Maybe. Did you see what I did this morning at the bar while you guys were at work?”
Yeah, I saw it, but I was hoping not to discuss it.
“I heard you sing at The Zoo, so I peeked at the feeds. I have to say, I hate those bitches, but a live broadcast is brilliant. Your song was pretty. Was it about Wilde’s death?”
She nods. “I saw you sing it on the stream the other day, so I thought I’d try. Who was your song for?”
“No one. I love Patsy Cline, and it was a country-themed week.” I grin. “Plus, it’s a little crazy around here, and it felt à propos.”
I really hope people don’t start using that shit as a weapon rather than musical therapy—it occurs to me it will be very problematic.
“I needed closure from his so-called death. I still don’t believe it’s real, but dead or not, he’s dead to me now. Singing helped me deal with that.” She sighs and strokes my hair. “What do you want me to do?”
“Be here. Be with me.” I don’t feel like I’m safe enough now to say anymore than that.
“If I seem like I’m going away, would you stomp for me as you did for Taurus?”
Ah, the dangerous line we tread.
If I let her any further in, then yes, I will storm the gates of Hell to keep her with me. Unfortunately, the more accurate truth is that if she can’t learn to trust Rafe and accept who he is, I’ll end up storming the gates to find them barricaded shut.
I would never recover. I’ve picked up the pieces from a woman trampling my heart twice, and I didn’t love them like I believe I will love her. I don’t know what will happen to me if she does the same thing.
“Yes,” I reply, knowing that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
“Me too.”
Oh, do I wish I believed her.
I smile a little, leaning against her. “I’m not the only one. Please try to remember that—I know it’s hard, but it’s true. He and I both have an enormous capacity to love—even to the point of not giving up on what we should. I can love Taurus so much that the Earth spins around him and still falls for you so that the sky shakes.They’re not lesser, only different. He’s the same way. I don’t know what he feels for Taurus, but I know you make his Earth spin.”
“I’ll try, okay? I’ll try to trust that.”
“It’s all anyone can ask, love. He’s beating himself to death inside over hurting you.” Something occurs to me, and a chill runs down my spine as I feel it rings true in my heart. “He might contemplate telling Taurus he can’t be with him anymore if it hurts you.”
