Page 93 of Love the Way You Lion
“I have to live knowing that if he gives up Taurus, he’s giving up something else he loves. I can’t live like that.”
What in the hell does she want, then?
She’s the one putting us all in this place, and I don’t know what I am supposed to say right now. “I think he’d do it because he loves you. He’d do it because you mean that much. He’d do it because it’s in our nature to be who we are and to do what we do.”
It’s in my nature, too, and I’m feeling like I’m right on the edge of taking the leap. I can put a stop to this now and walk away. I can keep this from becoming so intrinsic to our lives that losing it will decimate our identity. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it. He was, but I don’t know that I am.
She kicks sand across the beach and growls, “This is too damn hard! It’s not supposed to be like this.” Her brow furrows as she looks at me. “You feel distant. You’re upset or hurting or something. I don’t know why.”
It’s because I’m grieving for you already.
I’m grieving what I might not lose today, but I will lose, and it will have nothing to do with anything that I did. It will have to do with your insecurity and my inability to shoot the hostage. I give her a sad smile. “I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing or of hurting someone. I’m afraid to speak for him, and I’m too scared to speak for myself. I have to give myself some space to breathe.”
“I don’t bring people here. I made an error in judgment and brought Wilde here once with the hellhounds. I’ve never evenbrought Taurus here.” She looks out into the sea as if contemplating that as the wind blows through the palms.
How is that supposed to make this better?
“That humbles me; it does. I don’t want to mess this up, but you have to realize this situation affects me, too.”
“That’s why I come here—not even Taurus can reach me here. There’s no mystical trail to follow like there is in other places. I don’t know why.” She turns back to look at me and sighs. “I didn’t ask you to come because I wanted advice or because I wanted you to fix things.”
“When I need to get lost, I hide in the closet. There are other places I could go, though. I can block everyone; I can cut ties. Maybe not to Taurus anymore, but if I felt motivated enough, it might work. If I wanted it enough, maybe I could.”
“I asked you here because I’m happier when I’m with you.”
But you’re so caught up in ‘does Rafe love one of us more’ that you’ll toss me aside without blinking? Yeah, okay.
I cough so I don’t say my angry thoughts out loud, and then walk over to squeeze her hand as I try not to cry. “Thank you for bringing me. I know you didn’t want me to fix things. You’ve gotta forgive me if it’s my first instinct to help. It’s just how I work.”
My heart aches in my chest as I fight back the emotions swamping me. Can I keep letting her in? Can I continue giving her access to the part of me she’s going to break when she cuts things off out of fairness?
What should I do?
“I think I should have brought someone who was a little easier to get into compromising positions. When I’m here, I don’t mull. Mulling is for that other place. This place is for setting it all asideand being.” She sweeps her arms out, looking around. “Look at it, Del. It’s stunning.”
“It is gorgeous,” I murmur, agreeing with her. Contrary to her assertion, she started this talk, and she’s not given me a sign that I should feel safe sharing with her. I don’t know how I’m supposed to have happy naked times when I’m shaking with fear inside, thinking that she’s going to call everything off.
“I’m so peaceful here.” She strips down, gives me a wink and walks out into the crystal blue water, splashing about in the waves for a moment. She looks at me again, holding her hand out. “Are you okay? You’re still mulling and thinking.”
I nod, feeling bad for ruining this for her, but this conversation has killed my joy completely. “Yeah, I might have been the wrong person to bring. I can’t seem to turn it off right now.”
She drops her hand and steps back, her expression sad. “If you want to go...”
“No, no. I’m afraid of being disappointing because I’m not good enough. I love the way the ocean is singing to me and the tides swish and the scent on the air is tickling my nose. But I can’t stop worrying. I’m trying.”
Frustrated, I pull off my clothes and wade into the water. Diving under the waves, I let the silence surround my noisy mind. The singing only gets louder, and I wonder about it for a moment, but let it go to emerge and shake my hair out. “I need to refresh a little, I think.”
“Did that help?”
I close my eyes, shoving all my riotous emotions down, imagining them in my feet. “I feel a little better. I have an itch, but the water helped.”
“Itchy? Is it sand fleas?” She looks worried, her eyes focusing on my tummy.
“No, something is bothering me; it’s nipping at my consciousness. It happens to me sometimes before big things happen. It should go away. It’s like something’s not right.” I shrug.
She walks out of the water, plopping onto the sand with a miserable expression. “I feel him.”
I blink. “Feel who?”
