Page 18 of A Furry Thing Called Love
Arlo laughs and says, “We’ll be right behind you.”
Waving him off, I start walking away with Millie.She has a little trouble with staying close, so I shorten the lead, keeping a firmer grip than I’d normally use, to let her know I’m the one steering this party.She’s a bit clumsy on her feet as she learns she doesn’t have much slack, and can’t go running off whenever and wherever she wants.
We get a few feet down the sidewalk before stopping and looking back at Arlo.He's taken Indie’s lead off, and is apparently her new favorite person because she stays by his side as he holds onto Eli’s harness, and the three of them amble toward us.
“I won’t insult you by assuming you don’t know what’s best for you, but how’s your balance?”
“I don’t think I can manage the sand today,” he admits.“I’d prefer to have a cane as well, but with the cast…” He shrugs his shoulders.“I have an appointment with a neurologist in a few weeks.I’m hoping they’ll agree with my one from back home that I’m at least in partial remission now.
“I haven’t had a bad episode or symptom in a few weeks.The dizzy thing wasn’t abnormal for me—usually that can be chalked up to my fatigue, as annoying as that is.So… I’m hoping for good news when I see the doctor.
“I’m also on the waitlist for a new physiotherapist.I had good results when I worked with one before, so hopefully I can see someone soon and we can get back to work.”
We continue walking slowly.There are a few other people out, some Millie wants to make her best friend, but I keep her close and divert her attention with varying degrees of success.
“Would you take her?”Arlo asks quietly.
I glance at him, but he’s carefully watching where he steps as we start to turn around and head back the way we came.“What do you mean?”
Arlo sighs.“I don’t know what I’m going to be told when I see the doctor.Just because I seem to be in remission now…that doesn’t mean I can’t have another relapse in a few months, or even a few weeks.What if… What if I meet with them and they say the MS has progressed past RRMS and is now Secondary Progressive?What if they tell me I’m on a slippery slope to worsening symptoms?Hell, the last time I had a relapse they gave me a wheelchair because my legs were so bad I couldn’t hold myself up.I think that was the last straw for my ex.”
“He’s a dick.”
Arlo snorts.“Yeah, he can be at times.Anyway, my point is, what if I’m told I’m worse off than I think?I couldn’t in good conscience keep Millie.She doesn’t deserve that.She needs someone who will love her, and make sure she’s safe and healthy.I might be better for her than Will was, but I know a new prognosis will change my entire life—again.”He sighs and stops walking, looking out towards the ocean.“I’ve lived with this disease for at least fifteen years now, though I’ve only been diagnosed for seven.I don’t want it to get to the point where I’ve held off giving her up, and irrevocably hurt her because I couldn’t give her what she needed.When the time comes that I can’t reliably and safely care for her, it might be too late to correct any damage.I know eventually I’m going to get to that point, that’s just the nature of having MS.It’s a soul-sucking, progressive illness, but I want to believe I have plenty of time before I get to that point.Still, I can’t help but plan for the ‘what ifs’.”
“Hey.”I set a hand on his arm.“Whatever happens at your appointment, we’ll navigate it then, okay?You’re not alone, Ar.Not if you don’t want to be.As for Millie…if you need me to take her in, of course I will, but don’t jump straight to the worst-case scenario.”
“It’s kind of hard not to,” he says softly.“Not when faced with the real possibility that this cushy life I’ve lived for the last several years will go away because my body fails me.Sure, I live as normally as I can, but that doesn’t mean the fear isn’t there still.I try.Fuck, I try so hard to remeber that I’m still the person I was five, seven, ten years ago, but the older I get…the more real the fear becomes, because I have to wonder what will happen to this life I’ve built when—not if—the worst happens.”
He looks at me, his blue eyes soft and full of pain that makes me want to hold him and never let him go.“It’s why I moved back,” he says softly.“I knew, if I was going to be single with two dogs and an unpredictable neurological disorder that will completely turn my life upside down—again—without warning, that I would want to be somewhere where I felt like I most belonged.All it takes is a relapse I don’t come back from.”
“I don’t want to diminish your fears, I’d never want to do that,” I tell him softly, reaching up and wiping the tears falling down his cheeks.“But I know how strong you are, Arlo.I saw it three years ago, and I see it now.You’re amazing, and you will do whatever you can, whatever you need to do, to live however you’re comfortable with.I’ll take Millie when it gets to that point.I’ll do whatever you need me to do.I want to think we’re friends, right?”
He gives a watery smile.“Friends… Yeah, I like that.”
“Good.Then that means you’re not alone.You’ll have me, for whatever you need.”
“I can’t ask that of you.”
I smile gently.“You’re not, I’m offering.No matter what happens, you’ll have me, and so will Millie.Okay?”
Arlo takes a long, slow breath.“Yeah, okay.”
“Good.”
Tension sparks between us and I swallow.Fuck, I want to kiss him.
Arlo takes another breath and seems to sigh before stepping back and away, so we’re no longer touching.
“Hungry?”I ask, hoping my voice sounds normal.
“I could eat, yeah.”
“Okay.How about we head over to Boardwalk Books & Bites?They have outdoor seating, so we should be fine with the dogs.”
“Yeah, alright.”
We start walking again.
