Page 49 of A Furry Thing Called Love
“Because it’s safer!”I hiss.“I love you, Jor.I didn’t realize it until after I left.When I got in my car and drove away?I knew then I was making a mistake.”I force the words out, knowing by doing so I am breaking both our hearts all over again.
“Why didn’t you stay?Or come back?Or…”
I shake my head, gripping his hand tighter so he doesn’t pull away from me.“Because I wasn’t sure if it was right.I’ve never felt this way for anyone before, and I wasn’t sure if I should.I spent that summer trying to findmeagain.For so long, the person I was became lost under my diagnosis.The medications, the doctors and tests…it was all beginning to crush me.
“I didn’t tell you back then, but I was on antidepressants because shortly before I decided to spend the summer down south, I was so catatonically depressed that my sister was staying with me to make sure I didn’t die.”
His brow furrows.“Was it because of your relapse or…”
Now it’s my turn to look down at our entwined hands.“Yeah.The meds they first started me on didn’t seem to help initially.So there I was, in probably the worst pain I’d felt in years, with symptoms that I was so not used to, barely able to walk because my legs were so weak, and I couldn’t stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.It was terrible… I won’t lie, there were times where I wanted to die.It’s why Sunshine moved in.I’m not saying I would have killed myself, but…the me I was then isn’t the person I am now.”
Swallowing, I meet Jordan’s eyes.“I can’t tell you that suicide was the furthest thing from my mind even then because I don’t know.So much of that time is foggy.I remember the anger, the sadness, the questions of why it was happening to me.But the things I thought or didn’t?I couldn’t tell you, because I truly don’t know.
“Anyway, I got better, went into remission, kept on my meds for my depression and started therapy again.
“That was when I decided I needed to get away.My mother…she loves me, but she never quite understood me or what I was going through.She had a lot of “Well, at least…” fill in the blanks.As if saying at least it wasn’t my worst nightmare come to life was in any way helpful.Especially when one day it’s probably going to happen again and I won’t recover.
“It’s a progressive illness, Jor.You’ve seen some of the ups and downs, my good and bad days.You were there for the tail end of my last relapse, but one day, the limited mobility, the increased pain…it’ll be my everyday.And well, I might be lucky enough that I’ll continue to progress slowly.My doctors are talking about switching my meds, to see if it helps lessen the relapses, or at least the extent of them.So while I could have years and years to go, I’m not always going to be as I am now.That’s just a reality I have to live with.”
I take a shaky breath, trying to get my emotions under control, even as I can’t stop the few stray tears from falling.
“All of that was playing on my mind when I left.Because I knew you were a good person.I knew I loved you, and if you loved me, you would take care of me…but I think you know by now, I don’t want that.I never want to be a burden on my partner, and I was finally feeling like me again.I finally felt as if I had a handle on this life and the way it could turn sideways at any moment.The last thing I wanted was to put you through any of that.So…even though I knew I loved you, I knew I couldn’t stay, and it was something I would regret for the rest of my life.”
“And now?”he asks.“You moved back for a reason.It might have been for you, but you knew I was there, and that you would probably run into me eventually.After all, I’m the one who showed you all the cool places around town to begin with.”He tries to smirk but it falls flat, the weight of my words hanging between us both.
“I still don’t want to burden you.”
“Never.”He shakes his head.“When you love someone, when you promise to be with them, you’re not promising to do that only when they’re healthy, or only when they’re less of a burden.There’s a reason marriage vows have ‘in sickness and in health’ written into them.We might not be married, but I promise, Ar, whether we’re just friends or more, you will never be a burden to me.You’re just Arlo, the man I am hopelessly in love with.”
He lets go of my hand, only to cup my face with both of his.“I can’t pretend to know the obstacles you’ll face down the line, especially when the MS progresses, but what I can promise is to love you through everything.I was an idiot three years ago.Now I’m putting it all on the line because I know what it feels like to not have you.”
“Jor…”
He shakes his head, not letting me continue.“If you just want to be friends, if being in a relationship is too much, with everything else you have going on, that’s fine.I’ll still love you.I’ll still be by your side as much as you allow me to be.Don’t think you only get one or the other.I want you in my life, however I can get you, that’s all.”
I huff an emotion-filled laugh.“Fuck, you know exactly what to say, don’t you.”
“Not really.I’m winging it here.I just know that losing you again scares the ever-loving fuck out of me.”
Lifting my hands, I grip his wrists, holding on tightly rather than pushing him away.“Same here.My fears will never go away.I’ve only been off my antidepressants for a year, because I finally felt steady enough to not need them.That may change one day, but for now…this is the mostmeI’ve ever felt.I don’t want to say it’s because of you, but…having you in my life the last few months sure hasn’t hurt.I want to be the person you think I am.”
“Baby, you already are.”
I snort.“Please, no pet names.I already let you call me fucking‘Ar’.”
Jordan laughs.“I make no promises.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You love me anyway.”
I can’t help but smile.“Yeah, I really do.”Taking a breath, I squeeze his wrists.“Yes then.I want to tryusagain.”
His smile is bright and contagious.“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Jordan leans in and kisses me fiercely.“You won’t regret it.I promise.It’s you and me from now on, Ar.”
