Page 70 of Bliss: Part 1
If I let him in, I’d fall apart. If I didn’t, I might still fall apart. Either way, it was a lose-lose situation.
I didn’t answer. Just stood there silently, trying to keep the sobs inside. My chest ached. My throat burned. My lungs were still empty. And in that moment, I didn’t even care. Who needed air? Who needed to keep it together after completely screwing everything up?
It was all my fault.
They didn’t deserve to feel like this. They didn’t deserve to feel like they broke me. Because they didn’t. I broke myself.
“Lissy,” Dash said again, still right outside. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll be right here. Just breathe. Deep breath in, deep breath out.”
Somehow, I made it into the shower. The hot water stung against my skin, but I didn’t care. I scrubbed myself clean, over and over again, but I still didn’t feel clean. Even after everything was washed off, I still felt filthy.
I wrapped myself in a towel, muffled my sobs into it, and sat on the toilet, staring blankly at the floor. Slowly, the pain in my chest faded, replaced by numbness. It wasn’t better though.
I heard Tripp outside the bathroom, then Ashby, then Rhys. Asking Dash what was going on, if I was okay.
“She needs time,” Dash told them. And they didn’t argue. They didn’t push. They understood. And I hated that too, because I didn’t deserve that kind of understanding.
I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve their love, their patience, their care.
I needed to figure this out on my own. I needed to take responsibility for what happened. I needed to be honest with myself about what I could handle.
Because I pushed too far.
And now everything had changed.
Nothing would ever be the same again.
***
I woke up on the bathroom floor, still wrapped in the same towel I’d thrown around myself hours ago. The tile underneath me was ice cold, hard against my skin, and my whole body felt stiff, like I’d barely moved the entire time I was asleep. Or unconscious. I wasn’t even sure which.
The overhead light was still on and way too bright. It made my eyes ache the second I opened them. I squinted up at the ceiling, disoriented, blinking against the sharpness of it. My head felt heavy, like there was still fog hanging around in there, and when I sat up slowly, the dizziness hit me like a slow wave. It wasn’t strong enough to knock me back down, but enough to make my stomach turn and my balance feel off.
I sat there for a second, trying to ground myself. I took a few steady breaths. The first real lungfuls of air I’d gotten all night. The panic was gone. It wasn’t clawing at my throat anymore. I could actually breathe again.
I pushed myself up to stand, moving slow so my legs wouldn’t give in. They didn’t, but they weren’t exactly steady either. My muscles felt drained and weak, like I’d been through something physical and emotional and everything in between.
I spotted clean panties and an old, oversized t-shirt I’d hung on the radiator earlier that day. I left them there as if I knew I would need them later. I pulled off the towel, dropped it on the edge of the tub, and stepped into the underwear, then pulled the shirt over my head. I felt a little more human with something clean covering me.
When I opened the bathroom door, the first thing I saw stopped me dead in my tracks.
Dash.
He was lying on the bedroom floor right outside my bathroom. Curled up on his side, one arm tucked under his head like a makeshift pillow, the other resting on his chest.
He never left.
My throat clenched instantly. The sight of him like that, sleeping on the hardwood, right outside the door like a silent protector, hit me harder than I expected. It was so Dash. He didn’t say much, didn’t make a scene, didn’t barge in or demand to be let inside. He just stayed close. He stayed with me.
I felt the tears start to build again. Not from panic this time, but from something else. Guilt. Gratitude. Love. All of it tangled together until I could barely hold it back.
I crouched down slowly in front of him, careful not to startle him, and gently reached out to tap his shoulder.
“Dash,” I whispered, my voice still rough and hoarse from crying and everything else I’d put my body through. “Hey…”
His eyes blinked open almost instantly, and when he saw me, his whole face softened with so much relief it made my chest ache all over again.
“Lissy,” he whispered, sitting up slowly. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, then he reached for me without thinking. The hug he pulled me in wasn’t fast or aggressive. Just a gentle motion pulling me into him to feel my body against his. I didn’t pull away this time.
