When they resurfaced, Cole swam around to face him again andshook his hair out like a dog. It was wilder than ever from tussling in the water, and his freckles stood out against the water droplets rolling across the canvas of his skin.
“Man, I wish we had some music,” Cole said, treading water, hands gliding in an entrancing pattern.
“Yeah, what’s the mood?” Brennan asked, swimming lazy lines back and forth across the deep end. “More indie stuff I’ve never heard of?”
Cole at least looked sheepish when he said, “Fifty-fifty chance for something unbearably indie or, like, Taylor Swift, because I’m only human.” He lit up, and went on, “I have this amazing record collection. You should see it sometime.”
“I’ve never listened to music on vinyl,” Brennan admitted, but he loved how Cole lit up from the inside when he talked about it. He stopped swimming at the edge, anchoring himself to the wall.
“Well, youdefinitelyhave to come listen, then.”
“How’d you get into that? Record collecting?”
“My brother. Noah. He was a year older than me. He was, like, the rebel kid. Loud music in his room all the time, blew off school, smoked weed. The records were part of the aesthetic, I guess.”
“And he… gave them to you?” Brennan prompted, but he had a feeling he knew the answer.
“He killed himself before graduation,” Cole said, the same way he might say he was out of milk. “I kept his records, and now I add to the collection. I started out doing it for him, but it’s mostly for me now.”
Brennan didn’t know what to say.
“Ugh, sorry,” Cole said. “Talk about a mood killer.”
“You apologize too much,” Brennan said. Cole splashed him. “I mean, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but you’re allowed to, if you want. I can listen.” He didn’t say,I want to know everything about you.“Were you guys close?”
Cole smiled and his eyes turned distant. He leaned to float on his back.
“For most of our lives, yeah. He was a year older than me. Me and him and Mari were a trio, we all grew up together. He was always labeled a troublemaker, or whatever, and then Mari was this total genius-girlboss, and I was just, like, happy to be there.
“We weren’t talking, when it happened. So that’s always gonna feel like shit. I thought he was pushing me away but it was all, like, signs. Or whatever.”
“I don’t think it’s fair to blame yourself. You can’t let someone treat you like shit out of fear of them killing themselves,” Brennan said, because talking about capital-Ssuicidealways brought up a seasick sort of feeling and gut reflex for defensiveness and apology.
“It wasn’t like that. You don’t understand.”
Brennan wanted to say that hedidunderstand, but he didn’t know how to explain it all. He wasn’t used to people knowing him. It was safer that way, keeping the ugliest parts of himself separate.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
Maybe that wasn’t fair to Cole. Maybe he deserved a better friend than that, when he opened up about all his stuff, while the things Cole knew about Brennan were stumbled into by accident.
Cole deflated. “No, I’m sorry.”
With a buzzing sigh, the pool lights went off all at once, and they were plunged into total darkness.
They both froze, and one of Cole’s hands gripped his arm. Except—
Brennan blinked a few times, and things came into focus, clear as ever—maybeclearer.
“Shit. Must be on a timer,” Cole said, laughing with a nervous edge.
Brennan wanted to kick his own ass for not being more honest, because now the moment was broken.
“Should we go?” Brennan asked.
“Maybe,” Cole said.
Neither of them moved.
