Page 126 of The Howl
“It’s not about where I feed. It’s about who I feed on. I’m not feeding on some stranger.”
“That’s the whole point of going to the city for a while. You’ll cultivate a circle and be able to make your own choices.”
I opened my mouth to reiterate my refusal.
“Enough, Eliana. You’re going. You need to see how it’s really done.”
* * *
The foldin my sheet blocked the morning light from my eyes. I stared at the material, watching it move as I breathed without really seeing it. The remnants of dreams filled with cakes and forest couldn’t dispel the feeling of complete destruction from last night’s announcement and the determination in Mom’s gaze.
It was going to happen. Exactly what I’d told her I didn’t want to happen. She was going to take me somewhere that would shred my control. And, unable to resist, I would feed and turn into exactly what I hated. I could already visualize the number of people who would be lying limp on the floor at my feet.
Something inside of me had cracked last night when I’d realized that. Cracked in a bad way.
With everything that had happened in my life of hardships, I’d always had an ability to rise above and make the best of whatever I was handed. But that thing inside me wasn’t right anymore. It was too broken this time. I was too broken. My mind still knew what I needed to do. Get out of bed. Shower. Go to school. I just had no will to carry through with any of it.
The door to my room opened. The whisper of footsteps and the soft rustle of material gave away who it was. Mom.
Her movement stopped, and I listened to the rasp of a window sliding closed before the mattress dipped and her hand smoothed back my hair.
“Morning, baby. Did you decide not to go to school today? It’s past seven.”
“There’s no point to school,” I said, impassively.
“I agree completely.” She patted my shoulder. “You go ahead and rest. Tonight’s going to be a big night for you.”
She kissed my cheek then left the room.
How could I hate and love someone so much at the same time?
I lifted myself out of bed and threw some clothes on. Warm pants. A sweater. Then, I grabbed my overnight bag and packed an extra set of clothes. After using the bathroom, I left.
Mom didn’t come out of her room. Based on the music, she was already having breakfast.
Mrs. Quill looked up from her coffee in the dining room as I proceeded to the kitchen.
“Are you going somewhere, Eliana?” she called, noting the bag.
I didn’t answer.
The car was cold, and I shivered for the first few minutes as I drove out of town, trying to remember the turns. It took me a few tries to find the road that led to the hot springs cave. However, the drive out there didn’t take nearly as long as wandering through the trees, looking for the crystalized snow. My feet were completely numb by the time I found the clearing. I stripped my outer layers of clothing and stuffed them in the bag.
Barefoot, I made my way inside the caves, sliding my hand against the cold, damp walls. The warm air enveloped me, but it didn’t dispel the bone-deep chill from the walk. My teeth chattered, and my feet ached as I made my way deeper into the darkness.
Letting my memory guide me, I ignored the first pool and kept going until I found the pool Fenris and I had used previously. It took time to find the torch and even more to figure out how to light it. When the flames finally did light the space, I looked around at the oasis with a numb sort of detachment.
How could this nothingness inside of me still hurt so much?
Leaving my bag, I stripped from my shirt, ignoring the soft glow from the line on my stomach, and slid into the waiting pool.
The hot water soothed me, stripping away my emotional numbness to let the tears flow. It wasn’t a pity party. It was a farewell to the remaining innocence I’d clung to far longer than most. That shred of virtue wasn’t in the form of my virginity, though that added to it. It was my inexperience. The things I’d managed not to do so far. The things Mom would ensure I did tonight. Things that would save me in her mind but damn me in mine.
I didn’t know how to come to terms with that, which is why I came to the hot springs. To see if there was some way to find peace with all of it. So I let the waters drain me of tears and whatever other emotions bubbled up. When I grew too warm, I left the pool and lay on the rocks.
That’s how he found me.
I couldn’t be sure how I knew he was there, standing in the shadows of the tunnels, but I turned my head and found him watching me. His sad brown gaze held mine.
