Page 127 of The Howl
“You worried me,” he said, stepping forward and squatting down beside me.
I reached out and touched the jeans covering his knee. He didn’t wear anything else, and I knew what that meant. He’d run here in his fur and put on the only clothes he had because he knew what I wanted. What I feared. And he respected it. And me. Why couldn’t all the people in my life be as considerate as Fenris?
“Sorry I worried you,” I said, letting my hand fall. “I just needed to get away.”
“Your mom and Mrs. Quill called my dad to find you. They think you’re trying to run off.”
I snorted.
“Without my mark, I’m trapped in Uttira. Where do they think I could go?”
He shrugged.
“They lost Ashlyn, so I think they’re afraid you found a way.”
I thought of Ashlyn with a pang of regret and a pinch of hopelessness. The druids hadn’t contacted me. Fenris’s father obviously hadn’t found anything, or Mom and Mrs. Quill wouldn’t be so worried. Ashlyn’s disappearance was another piece of my life where I had no control, and I hated that.
“I wish I could vanish like Ashlyn.”
Fenris brushed some wet hair back from my face then scooped me into his arms, settling me comfortably on his lap. My hunger stirred, but I ignored it and leaned against his chest, accepting the embrace.
“They’re making it really hard to not give up,” I admitted. “I keep trying to come up with a silver lining, but I think I’m out. Instead of focusing on finding Ashlyn, Mom and Adira are plotting my début trip to New York.”
“Haven’t you been there already?”
“Not to feed.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.” I sighed and lifted my hand, setting it on Fenris’s chest, right over his heart. I could feel the steady pulse under my palm. What would it take to make his heart beat for me? With Fenris’s resistance, it would probably be impossible. But with humans…
“I’ll steal them all. The heart of every man and woman I come near. I’ll feed. I’ll be powerful. And I’ll hate myself.”
“Why?” he asked. “You are what you are. You’re not bad. You can’t choose how you eat.”
“Can’t I? I was doing fine before Mom got here. I know Adira didn’t think so, but I was feeding and okay with it. Well, not okay with it, but I was managing. I just want Mom to go back to New York and things to go back to the way they were. But Mom and Adira both have it in their heads that I was dying. Starving.” I lifted my head to look at him. “Do I look starving to you?”
Fenris’s gaze held mine for a long, silent moment.
“You’ve never looked starving, but I don’t see you with just my eyes, Eliana.”
I stared at him for a moment as his words sunk in.
“What are you saying? That I am sick?”
He pulled me against his chest again and held me close, rubbing his hand up and down my arm like he was trying to give me all the comfort in the world. However, instead of feeling comforted, I was feeling terrified. I knew his answer before he spoke it.
“Yeah,” he said. “You are sick. But I think you’re getting better. And, without their help.”
I thought of the reflections I’d glimpsed of myself in the mirror. Although the last version of me had still looked unwell, she’d appeared a little better. Barely. Was that the real me? The succubus me?
“You’re stronger than they give you credit for,” he added.
I pulled out of his arms and sat beside him, needing space to think. Or, rather, to try to comprehend this new view of my life. Was I really starving? And if so, why did my reflection seem better when I was eating less? I hadn’t fed since stealing Eras’s meal, and that was almost a week ago.
“If you thought I was sick, why didn’t you tell me?”
“You weren’t ready to hear it.”
