Page 10 of Judge
“At a loss,kotiro?If so, you can give me a hand in the kitchen if you want.” Mama Debs smiles at me, before disappearing to wherever she popped out from.
Following the sound of her singing, I find myself in a spacious, gorgeous home kitchen. Marble countertops, double ovens, a huge island and countertops around the perimeter. It’s almost bigger than the diner kitchen, and a crap ton more luxurious.
“I know right?” she shoots me a knowing look. “Your twins were looking for you earlier. I told them you’ll find them when you’re ready. They’re just out in the main room. I think they might be kicking Rider’s ass.”
“What!?”
“They’re playing some video game,” she grins at me, then turns to the pantry, removing things from the shelves.
I let out a snort at that. “Is, ah, Judge with them?”
She shoots me a tight smile, “No. He was a little out of sorts, I guess. He’s up in his room,”
I nod, and my fists clench. The jerk. His kids are here and he still doesn’t want to know them. Well, fine. I’ll love them enough for the both of us. God knows I’ve been doing it all this time anyway. A warm hand lands on my shoulder, giving me a comforting squeeze. The contact shocks me, it’s been a long time since anyone has touched me like this, out of care for me.
Mama Debs must see the shock on my face, because she tuts, “Aw, come here, baby girl.” She pulls me into her deceptively strong arms, wrapping them around me and holding me. “It’ll all work out.”
“What will work out?” I whisper into her shoulder.
“Everything, you’ll see.”
Chapter 4
Judge
Iwork my way through the emails until I have one left. Some of them are burned into my brain and into my heart. The first two or three start off pissed. Then there’s the ones that are resigned that I’ll keep ignoring her forever. They seem to fluctuate between anger and sorrow and then there’s the ones where she is struggling, and afraid.
“Leo,
I don’t know if I can do this. There’s two of them. Two people who will need me and I don’t even remember my mom. How can I be a good mom when I don’t have a role model? But that’s not true, is it? I have your mom I guess. It’s just scary to be doing this alone. I wish you were around to tell me it’s going to be OK.”
I blink the moisture out of my eyes. It’s dated right when I left on my first deployment. I made it through boot camp and instead of going home I went straight to deployment. While Kaia was growing my babies I was in a sandbox in the middle of fucking nowhere, just as scared and as uncertain as she was. I roughly rub my eyes, blinking to clear them. If only I wasn’t a dumb fuck. If only I had a thought in my head to even checkthese fucking messages. I’m all sorts of twisted up because there are so many mistakes that lead to me losing her and then not knowing I had kids out there. Sniffing, my finger hovers over the last unread email. Pressing it I wait for the window to open.
Leo,
I’m not too sure if you’re getting these messages or if you’re deleting them all, but I have to try. These are our babies. We have a boy and a girl. I know that I made the decision to have them, and I’m not asking you for anything.
I heard that you had joined the Marines and I know that you’ll be good at it. You’re probably too busy trying to stay alive to be worrying about some girl you went to school with.
Anyway, this is my current address or you can email me here if you want to see the twins. If I don’t hear from you, then I guess this will be my last email.
Goodbye Leo, stay safe.
Scrolling down just a little a picture materializes, of two, tiny babies, one with a green hat, and one with a purple hat. I’ve never seen anything so fucking tiny in all my life, scrawny legs and arms, scrunched little faces. Most new babies I’ve seen look like potatoes or screwed up fists, but the twins steal my breath away with their beauty.
“Godammit Kaia!” I growl to myself.
My gut is screwed up and my chest aches at the thought that the only thing that kept me away was shame. Shame at the hurt I put on her face that day. Shame that I chose to get my rocks off with someone who was used by all the boys. Then I left it too long to apologize and the only choice I had was to run away overseas and fight other people’s battles all because I drove away my best friend with my shit decisions. Now what will keep me away is the shame that I could have been there all along. I could have supported Kaia through all her fears and pain. I could have held my babies when they were tiny, helped when they weresick or hurt, been there for all their firsts and yet I was fucking around while Kaia was busting her ass to give them the world.
Growling, I scrub my hand down my face. What a fucking waste of space. How the hell am I meant to look those kids in the eye and tell them that it was my dumb ass that kept them from knowing me? Fuck!
“Yo!” Rider bangs on the door after bursting through it, “Shit, glad you weren’t rummaging in your pants over that hot little piece out there,” he throws his thumb over his shoulder and I launch off the bed, pinning him to the door with my forearm across his throat.
“The fuck you just say?”
His eyes sparkle and his grin grows wider and wider at my irritation. “Nothing brother, just came to tell you dinner is served.” He pats my chest, then runs his down it. “Wow, you’ve really been working out, big guy.” He winks and then laughs his ass off when I shove him to the ground in the hall.
“I’m not hungry.” He opens his mouth and I don’t hear the rest, the door slamming in his face.
