Page 48 of The Bright Side of Brooding
Chapter Twenty-One
Nick
I have wanted few things in life, and all of them slipped through my hands. I will keep myself from wanting you so you’ll last a little while.
Day two of competition went well. I couldn’t say I was proud of myself, but the athletes performed at the top of their games. Alicia took first overall, Art came in third, and Rob managed to place in the top ten, which really was incredible considering his limited experience. But me? I’d been a distracted jerk and could hardly focus on the events right in front of me.
Actually, no. I hadn’t been a jerk. I’d done my best. Really, I had. But standing next to her all day after the night we’d had… not a simple task. I’d never thought of myself as a person who needed physical touch. I’d lived alone for years, and my only surviving relative had lived half a world away for the last two years. Now she was gone. I’d grown used to existing in my own space, my own body, without anything else factoring in.
Now, I found my corporeal, solo existence unsatisfying. I’d felt her hands on me, if only for a few minutes. I’d tasted her lips and felt her breath. I only wanted more. Standing a foot from her without touching her smooth skin resulted in a feeling of such waste, it made my hands shake.
At the same time, I suspected all of that would be a bit much to admit to Summer. She liked me, yes. And she wanted to spend time together, so we would. But she had not been starved for affection and for someone to care for like I had. She had not lost the only person who offered such outlets for her like I had.
It didn’t feel like too much of an exaggeration to say that when I was with her, I felt more alive. It was that feeling I hadn’t realized I was missing until I’d felt it spark with her—life. Sensations and moments to store away in memory. Things I’d catalogue on paper so they’d survive, whether they evaporated into illness at the end or not.
And so my natural intensity paired with the loss of Gran could very well create an overwhelming situation I needed to keep under wraps. I’d hinted at it in writing, but in person it would be too much. I felt far more than physical attraction to Summer already, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to return that level of feeling. Not yet.
Perhaps not ever. Realistically, what could I possibly offer her? I was as close to an island of a man as a person could be. I led a solitary existence so contrary to her social, generous one, it was laughable. I’d had the thought before but brushed it aside in favor of enjoying whatever came of our next encounter. And now, after leaving the event and traveling back to the shared apartment, after changing clothes and tamping down nerves, I would do the same. I wouldn’t think of the myriad of things I wanted from Summer or for how long I wanted them. I would think only of this afternoon. I would do something I rarely successfully did—I would enjoy the moment.
“Ready to go?”
Her cheery voice and a double knock on the open door to my room made me turn.
My stomach flipped when she met my gaze and smiled, genuine happiness beaming off of her. That.Thatdrew me in, every time. She could be stubborn and even pushy, but she had this light, this golden beauty that lit up the space around her. I’d never been her patient at the clinic, but I could only imagine how soothing and delightful being treated by her felt. Watching her bandage one of Rob’s callouses earlier today had told me enough about her surety and gentleness in such moments.
“Yes.” I grabbed my jacket and patted my pocket to confirm I’d remembered my wallet. “You up for walking?”
“Sure. No rain today, which seems miraculous.”
She walked next to me down the hallway. The three athletes were either sleeping or resting, so we exited quickly and quietly. We’d already made plans to see them later.
“How about we walk through Hyde Park and figure out what else we want to do? I have a few things on my list I wouldn’t mind, but I’m up for whatever.” London was one of the few places I’d been before, as it turned out.
“Perfect.”
We took the stairs to the bottom of the building, then pushed out into the bright gray day. The low cloud cover hid the sun, but somehow it was still bright enough to make me wish I’d worn sunglasses. That’d easily tag me as an American, or at least not a European, since rarely did I see sunglasses before April over here. Still, I missed them, and I squinted over at Summer, who snickered.
“It’s notthatbright, is it?”
“I’ll adjust. I’m a big boy.”
She chuckled as we crossed the street with the walk signal. Though I’d been here before, looking the “wrong” direction before I crossed the street still took reminding. I’d avoided renting cars and driving in the UK for the same reason.
We stepped onto the graveled path of Hyde Park, thecrunch crunchof our shoes oddly satisfying after standing on carpeted floors in the conference center for the last two days. We quickly discussed our plan, and then I dove in. If I only got this afternoon, I had to make it count.
“So, what’d you think of the weekend?”
Her cheek curved, and I realized the disadvantage of walking and talking. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t enjoy her lips or the little wrinkle in her nose when she thought about something before speaking. I had too many other expressions and gestures to catalogue to be able to imagine them while we walked. I’d have to work in afternoon tea or something so I had at least a little time face to face.
“It was amazing. I knew people did this, obviously. I’ve heard of the sport, and I even knew people at Kugelfels competed. I knew Alicia was a beast, and I’ve gathered Rob’s schedule with you was insane. And you obviously look completely ridiculous, so I knew it was intense and borderline supernatural, but witnessing the athleticism and determination… it was so inspiring. Like, I may need you to teach me some of this stuff.”
My heart kicked. “I will happily teach you anything you want to know. Why do I look ridiculous?”
I wouldn’t normally fish, but the word choice threw me. She’d gotten an eyeful this morning, but as she’d pointed out, she’d been looking at half-naked people all day. Forgive me for wanting her to declare her thoughts about me, particularly.
She glanced at me, then back at the path in front of us. “You look like a fitness model. Like you’re paid to have muscles.”
“I am.”
