Page 86 of The Bright Side of Brooding
She leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. Softly. So softly. Like the kiss might gentle my worry, the very real concern still coursing through me. Because of that, I pulled back.
“I appreciate your apology. I think we have more to talk about.”
Her lashes fluttered. “Okay.”
“I’m glad you’re going to ask your friends for help with this project. I’m glad Ariel’s insights helped you.”
She watched me, wariness creeping into her expression like she could feel thebutcoming. Why was she still so wary of what we’d been building? Or, what I’d hoped we’d been building.
“I want you to think through how that could work between us. As I said last week, I care about you. I want to be with you. But we can’t continue keeping score.”
“Keeping score?”
“Yes.”
Her head reared back. “I don’t keep score.”
“You do. By worrying about owing me whenever I do something for you. Can you honestly tell me that’s not how things started between us?”
I’d suspected, and the events of the last week or so had clarified that. Her overreaction about my helping the project, and even my confession about missing her.
“I don’t know what you mean,” she said, though it sounded more defensive and less truly confused.
“Do you not?”
She just stared at me, face so full of upset, it nearly gutted me. We shouldn’t have done this today. Now.
“I’m not trying to be cruel or accusatory.” I held her by the shoulders. “I want us to figure this out.”
She leaned back, so I immediately dropped my hands. She didn’t seem inclined to speak, so I raced to clarify and dispel any possibility of her misunderstanding me.
“I want to be with someone who can trust me. I want to trust that person. Not in an unhealthy, codependent way, but in the way that people who truly care for each other rely on each other. And I don’t want to keep score. I don’t want you to either.”
She didn’t seem to move or breathe, so I pressed on. “I want us to be together. But if we do that, we need to be on the same page about how that might work.”
She nodded then, and the strap of tension around my chest loosened just a bit.
“Think about it. Let me know if that’s something you want too.”
She stood, so I followed, wishing we could keep talking but knowing it made sense to part now. Continuing to force an emotional conversation after Dennin, and even after being apart so long, just didn’t feel right.
“I’ll think about it. I—” Her chest rose with a big inhale, then she smiled like nothing was wrong. “I’ve got people coming soon. Feast night.”
“Why don’t you cancel? You’ve had a crazy afternoon.”
Something in her face hardened, and the look was pure determination before she forced a smile. “I don’twantto cancel. I’m not letting this change anything.”
I exhaled silently, pushing away the disappointment. I wished she’d give herself a break, but at least she’d be in a crowd. “Right. Hope it goes well.”
She kept that bright grin on her face as I walked out.
“I wish—”
I cut myself off, swallowing the words. I wanted to say,I wish you’d trust me. I wish you’d let yourself rest. I wish you’d give yourself room to feel whatever you need to feel.But I couldn’t say that without harming the tone between us. She would think about things. And I would hope she’d decide she could take a chance with me.
“What?”
“Nothing, really. I’ll talk to you when you’re ready.”
And maybe it would be better for her to have the time to herself, cooking and entertaining in the way she loved, without my interference.
Or maybe her refusal to acknowledge an upsetting situation, to deal with the fact that trusting me terrified her, would lead us to what I should’ve known was coming all along.
