Page 94 of Almost Perfect
“Thank you for coming,” I said as I shut the door and she hit the gas.
“Should I squeal out of here?”
I forced a laugh. “No. No, it’s not his fault.”
And that was the brunt of it. It was no one’s fault. I couldn’t change the fact that I had this life and that it was completely different from what he wanted. And he couldn’t change the fact that he didn’t wantme. Not the me that was Calla and Mayhem. Sure, hewantedme, enjoyed me, maybe even liked me, but he didn’t want a life with someone like me. And I couldn’t be just Calla, just like I’d realized I couldn’t be just Mayhem anymore. There was no getting around that.
And I couldn’t really have a life with someone like him. Could I?
Wait, could I?
“Well, was it your fault?” Quinn asked.
“I was going to say no, but… I mean, no. But it kind of feels like it, because I’m the problem.”
She halted halfway down the long stretch of road that led to the highway that cut through the canyon.
“Now, I call bs on that. You arenota problem.”
Her voice was severe, and though I’d sensed she was the fiery type before, I’d had no idea. But here she was, and Quinn Darling had a magma soul.
“If my life was simpler, we could—”
Her hand shot up, and she shook it. “I’m going to stop you right there. Your life is what it is. That wasn’t a surprise to Wyatt when you two went out, was it?”
“No.” Even if, apparently, it had been a bit of a surprise in theverybeginning. But no. Not by the time he’d asked me out.
“Then there’s no pretending this is all such a shock to him. He can’t clutch his manly gentleman pearlsanddate music’s Miss Mayhem at the same time.”
I laughed at the image, even if said image pinched a bit.
“He’s not clutching pearls. It’s my fault—no, it is. I’m saying that because I lied to him. Mostly to myself, but then by extension, him. I’d been looking for an escape and coming here was that. But once I got here and got over the isolation of being out here, I’ve fallen in love with it.”With him.“And I didn’t want to leave it. So I made comments about wanting to stay… indefinitely.”
She pursed her lips, then nodded and cranked her gearshift into drive. “And why did you do that? I mean, I get that life was pretty crappy with the rumors and what happened with your mom, but do you really want to be done with the music business? Could you just walk away and be happy?”
I’d been sitting with the question at the edge of my mind for the last twenty-four hours, if not longer. And I didn’t need any more time to think. “No. I don’t want to leave. That’s part of what feels so defeating.”
“How so?”
“It would be easier if I wanted to throw it all to the wolves and retire. Come live up here and be a rancher’s wife. And part of me sees that… like I can really, truly see it. But after talking to Jenna and my assistant, I’ve realized that I don’t want to stop. I just need it tochange.”
“And can it? Change?”
I blew out a breath and watched as the rocky, snow-dusted canyon slipped by.
“It can. My record company is going to be pissed, and it’s going to be terrifying, but I think it can, if I stop trying to hide and start actually letting myself evolve in a way I’ve been resistant to.” If I let myself be both Calla and Mayhem. If I risk people seeing what I’d realized in my time up here—that I always have been both, through and through. And if I could do this first, then maybe I could change things with Wyatt, too.
Quinn acknowledged that with a slow nod, and we sat in silence a while. By the time we reached the city center, she seemed to have come to a conclusion.
“You mentioned at one point you’ve written some songs.”
“Yes.”
“Is that what you mean by evolving? Writing your own music instead of playing other people’s?”
An old, sad defensiveness rose up in me, but I pushed it back down. Quinn wasn’t trying to make a big point about me singing someone else’s songs. I didn’t need to give the lecture about how many people in music—pop and other genres—used songwriters. “Yes. That’s part of it. Maybe a more acoustic-sounding album. Honestly, if it tanks, it’s not like it’ll be worse than my last two albums, but at least I won’t hate it.”
“Can you just go indie? You have to have the connections and cash.” She looked hopeful.
