Page 64 of Almost Home
I made a face, not quite understanding.
She tried again. “Consider that perhaps, after challenging years for you and for Sarah, the ease between you is a blessing. Something to be welcomed rather than wary of.”
I loosed a sigh, wondering if I could.
“I’m not saying that means there won’t be disagreements or hard moments, but it could also be that your maturity, the work you’ve both been doing to accept your pasts and participate in the world around you, is allowing this.”
Her gaze stapled the point home before she said, “And I’d suggest the same with your family.”
I shoved to my feet and nodded before I left. “I’ll think on it.”
And I would. I had been. But I wasn’t ready to see Sarah or anyone, for that matter, until I sorted through it all a bit more.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE
Sarah
Iducked my head as though that might keep Wilder from hearing me any better. “It’s not the right time.”
“When will it be the right time, Sarah? You haven’t been back since you left. When are we going to see you again?” My mother’s voice took on the familiar tinge of accusation and pleading.
My spine threatened to bend, so I straightened in my chair. “I just started a new job, Mom. I can’t suddenly leave right when they’re getting things off the ground and expect to keep it.”
“Doesn’t sound like a very good working atmosphere if you aren’t allowed to take time off.”
I gritted my teeth, prayed for patience, and pulled in a slow breath before speaking. “It’s a very good job. The company is new, and their—well, the point is, I can’t take leave yet. I agreed to that up front, so it’s not a surprise.”
“You’ve known about your cousin’s wedding for weeks. You should be on a teaching schedule, free in the summer so you can—”
“But I’m not teaching. I’m not. I’m doingthis. And my break is over, so I really need to—”
“If you’re not even going totryto be here for Angie, I don’t know what to say to you.”
That bitter shake in her voice made my gut clench. It always had. One of her many tactics, I’d come to realize, and also one I’d learned I was often most vulnerable to. There was always a tremor of emotion that brought me to my knees, eager to solve whatever wrong had been done to her that’d created it.
With Eddie’s bolstering words behind me and my own determination in the palm of my hands, I didn’t simply hang up. Instead, I said, “That’s okay. You don’t have to know what to say. But I’m still not going to be able to come.”
Silence met me in response.
“I’ve got to go. Hope you have a good day. Love you.” And I hung up.
The usual flood of emotion hit, tears stinging my eyes with embarrassing immediacy. My heart churned in my chest, working to process the glut of regret, relief, and sadness. I shot out of the chair and hustled down the hallway to the bathroom, focusing solely on the restroom and not allowing myself to note if Wilder saw me sprinting by.
He might not’ve heard. There was a decent chance. And my end of the conversation hadn’t been all that damning, had it? Only proof that I’d grown a backbone in recent years—something that’d taken way too long.
I closed and locked the door and leaned against the inside, eyes on the ceiling to keep my mascara from becoming a disaster. Arms folded and tucked against my chest, I attempted to slow my breathing and come back to myself.
It hurt to be on the receiving end of yet another guilt trip. Ithurt.And not for the first time, the pain made me angry. Why did I still care so much that I’d upset her? I had years of evidence that she used that upset to manipulate me. I’d left in no small part to escape exactly this.
Some of my therapist’s words flashed through my mind.Gaslighting. Exhibiting classic narcissism.
I’d resisted when she’d originally suggested that my mother was a narcissist, my father an enabler of that behavior, and that they’d manipulated and gaslit me for years, particularly escalating in the years after leaving Silverton.
I’d grieved that as much as I’d been relieved by it—being validated in my feelings that the way they’d dealt with me hadn’t been healthy had brought some measure of peace. But I’d had to work through so much shame at having allowed myself to be treated that way, even though of course I hadn’t thought, “Sure, this is fine!” as a seventeen-year-old in the throes of depression, or a twenty-two-year-old graduating college on their dime, or a twenty-seven-year-old when Eddie left home and it felt like I was the only one who couldfixthings.
I shook my head against the onslaught of memories. I really did need to get back to work, and my break was well past over. After taking a few calming breaths, I cleaned up my face with a paper towel and smiled widely at myself. Years ago, I’d read that smiling can trigger the release of endorphins, and I needed some right about now. With one lastyou can do thissent to the woman in the mirror, I exited the bathroom and made for my desk. I snuck a glance at Wilder and found him glaring at his computer screen.Good. Maybe he’s been absorbed with work and didn’t overhear that whole mess.
I dove back into the work I’d been doing when my mother had called. I wouldn’t have answered, but I’d just decided to take a quick break and the guilt I was always battling against when it came to her had gotten the best of me. I wouldn’t make that mistake again, and like I’d done at different times in the last few years, I’d need to avoid answering her for a few weeks. Conversations after one like we’d had today never went well and always left me feeling even worse, despite knowing exactly what to expect. So, boundaries. I’d said no, and now I would do that again by not answering for a while.
