Page 9 of Almost Home
No. Because I might’ve been a fairly intelligent man about most things, but Sarah James wasn’t one of them. She was a weakness I’d purged a long time ago, and yet here I was again, working my way through the morning with her on my mind like a splinter in my palm.
I couldn’t ignore her forever. She’d finish the trainings sometime today, if I had to guess, and then we’d be interacting a bit more. Why couldn’t Bruce be here already? Then I could shove him at her and make him deal with all of this.
A couple more months. He couldn’t leave Bragg yet, even if his time was up, because of Kiley. So for now, it was on me.
“You ever gonna come work out with me?” Warrick shouted as I jogged past his gym and a line of people flipping giant tires out front.
I tossed two fingers up in a greeting but kept going. I’d join him eventually. The gym was virtually next door to the office, though our building was set away from almost everything in an ideally located spot that had a view on all sides. Exactly what I’d needed.
I couldn’t hear what Warrick said, but I’d see him this weekend for family dinner again. I’d gone last weekend, met his girlfriend, hugged him and Mom both, and got an update on Wyatt. I’d talked to my older brother more recently, if only because I’d missed his wedding to Calla, his pregnant wife. And if I hadn’t known I was changing before, the genuine regret I felt to miss his day would’ve made it clear.
I’d missed a lot over the last almost twenty years. One of the most painful was Grandma Tilda’s funeral, which happened while I was deployed and entirely out of contact. I didn’t hear about it until days after.
And here was one more thing. But Wyatt hadn’t pushed or done anything other than say he couldn’t wait for me to spend more time with Calla, and he hoped I’d stay safe and get home soon.
He’d meant it. And his sincerity had burned the last threads of reluctance to return away. That hesitation was fear talking, and I’d promised myself, and much more recently, my therapist, that I’d do what I could to stop making decisions from that default self-protecting posture.
Ten minutes after my departure from home and at a downright glacial pace thanks to the altitude, I arrived at the back door to the office. Relieved she wouldn’t be sitting at the desk, perfect posture and shiny blond hair glinting in the overhead lights, I unlocked the front door and turned right as it swung open.
“Oh, hi, Wilder.”
My stomach twisted. I raised a hand but didn’t look back. I had no need to see her to know she’d be beautiful today, just like she had been every day of her life. Having her working here was bad enough—I didn’t need to look at her on top of it. If I did, I’d gather up more details about her, packing them away like a greedy squirrel, always aware that the hunger of a winter bereft of her might be just around the corner. Though to be accurate, that squirrel would also need a fair amount of self-loathing as he collected those nuts.
“I should finish up my last online training today. After that, I might need you to…”
I stopped, signaling I was listening without making any move to face her. When she didn’t take the cue, I reluctantly turned, careful to keep my eyes a few feet to her left. I notched my chin up and feigned focus on the fireplace, moving there to busy myself with lighting it rather than risk my gaze jumping the tracks.
“Uh, well, I guess I’m not totally sure what I’ll be doing? Day to day? So I’m hoping you can give me some guidance. I don’t want to waste your time.”
“Okay.” The kindling I’d wedged into the base between logs fizzed as the fire caught, and I pushed off my knee and set the lighter back up on the mantel. “Let me know.”
And then, I bugged out back to my office, where I only managed another twenty minutes before mumbling something about an errand and escaping out the back door.
The spring air was crisp, and I had the fleeting wish I’d brought my jacket, but I wasn’t about to go back in there to get it.Crap, this was not a good start. I’d created this business to provide myself and my friends a future, but also as a place I could… be. Do work, stay focused on something, but feel it was a kind of sanctuary. My home would be that, eventually, but the build wouldn’t start for another month at least due to weather delays.
Thanks to this setup, work was not a relaxing place to be.
I didn’t hold grudges. I understood why Sarah had done what she did—why she’d had to leave. I hoped she understood why I let her go. But whatever the case, however much water under the bridge it all was now? I didn’t want to sit down in the middle of it. And having her right there,rightthere, wasn’t going to work for much longer.
Our original hire, Diane, was probably a nice lady. She’d come highly recommended by Julian Grenier, so we’d hired her after a phone interview and thorough background check. The temp agency who’d filled the position hadn’t given me a name, only said that their candidate fit all the requirements—clear background checks, etc. If I’d caught that it was Sarah before she’d showed up, I would’ve nixed it. I wouldn’t have allowed this proximity to keep pressing on a bone-deep bruise.
But once I saw her, all nervous and eager, however much I hated to admit it, I couldn’t send her away.
I’d already requested and reviewed her background checks. Having a small history of her life had proved irresistible, and I’d done it. I’d felt mildly ill the entire time I read through the information, though I couldn’t have said why.
Or maybe inside that box I kept tightly sealed shut, I did know. Reviewing that list of moments in her life drilled home how much of it I’d missed. No chance of escaping that that’d beenherchoice. Left to me, we would’ve spent every bit of it together, but she’d left and thenstayed gone.Not just physically. She never once called, wrote, or tried to get in touch.
I’d accepted that years ago. Swallowed the bitter pill that was her clean break from me. And yet, being shoved into a room with her, close enough to see the scar at her hairline or freckles on her cheeks and chest, proved agonizing. Like all along, I’d been anaesthetized by time and distance and just now, I was blinking awake, bleary and disoriented, the pain-dulling medicine of artificial sleep receding with alarming rapidity.
By the looks of it, she was determined to stay and finish out her temp contract. The first sign? The three days of online training were pure drudgery. Important in some ways—trainings on basic PPI protection and confidentiality, a few short certifications she’d need to access and understand some of our programs—she’d sailed through them in record time if she really was about to finish.
For now, I’d check out the land I’d purchased just behind the building, where eventually we’d offer self-defense trainings and other education, if things went well. I’d get some fresh air, vitamin D, and I wouldn’t feel that crawling sensation I sometimes did when I could feel her on the other side of my office door.
CHAPTERFIVE
Sarah
Wilder came back just as I was packing up to leave for lunch. I would’ve had to stay put if he hadn’t shown, because I didn’t know if we closed for lunch if he was out and I needed my break.
