Page 70 of Fighting For You
“Fine. Three minutes.” Because we were not about to stand here for half an hour and hash out our relational post-mortem years and years after the fact.
“When everything happened, I was angry and hurt. I didn’t do right by you, and I’m sorry.” His expression sincere, his voice smooth and soft, he waited with hands pressed together as though in prayer or supplication for my forgiveness.
“You didn’t.” I wouldn’t excuse it because you don’t just ghost someone you were going to marry. You don’t do that, even if your life is falling apart. “I would’ve been there for you.”
I’d felt this so strongly—not only the regret that we were over, but the hurt that he wouldn’t let me support him. Though now that I searched for the feeling in this moment, I didn’t detect it.
Because wrapped up in all of this, too, had been so much anger at Beast and a staunch commitment to doubting anything he’d said. A gut-level need to believe what Kurt had said in order to avoid confronting so many things I’d known to be true about him.
And true about myself.
He’d cheated—I hadn’t known it with certainty then, but as soon as Beast had hinted at it, it’d struck like an arrow to the center of its target because I’d had a few hints and suspicions Kurt had managed to talk away over the years. If I’d admitted he’d cheated, then I’d also have to admit my role in it—how I’d forced him into an engagement he didn’t want. I’d made it clear I’d wanted it, but what if I’d just laid off?
He’d attempted to save himself and throw his friend under the bus—it just hadn’t worked. And yet, I’d shoved all of it back in Beast’s face because I was too angry and hurt…
And scared.
Standing here in this hallway a few feet from the man who’d cheated on me, lied to me, and then abandoned me… there it was. The one emotion I hated more than anything, stemming from a truth I’d run from all my life.
I was easy to leave.
My dad had left when I was a kid, and as if to confirm my suspicions, my fiancé had left me, even when he had nowhere to go. My own mom, in a very unintentional way, had left me and stayed gone, right when I needed her most. It’d been the two of us forever, and even though I loved that she had Guy now, it meant I didn’t have her, nor had I for a long time. I didn’t stop needing her just because I was an adult.
Those thoughts were for another time—most definitely not when my idiot ex was standing here working up to a true confession that would no doubt just heap on more feelings I’d need to detangle.
“I know you would’ve. I regret not letting you be there for me. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I hope…” He trailed off, his gaze studying me like he might find the right words in my face. His shoulders slumped. “I’m just sorry. And I’ve been walking around here like a smug ass because I don’t know how to be around you—I didn’t expect it to hurt like this. And I definitely didn’t expect to find you with someone who betrayed me.”
My insides solidified into steel. And there, that’s how he’d play it. Again. “That’s enough. You can go.”
“What? What the hell, Jessie. I’m trying to be honest here.”
The hurt on his face felt so exaggerated, I nearly laughed. “I’m asking you to go because I can’t since you’ve found meat work.But I’m not going to continue talking to you when you’re still not going to own up to the truth. You cheated on me. You lied to me. Tried to blame everything onJude and whether you’ll admit it or not, he didn’t betray you by reporting you. You ruined your own career and you’re lucky retiring a few years before you planned to is all that happened.”
Oh, and losing me, but I wasn’t going to point that out because somehow, I doubted he actually regretted it.
And though my emotions about the way things happened were complex, no part of me regretted not being with him. Not now that I knew the truth, and not for a long time.
Instead of heating or exploding in anger, his eyes did something I could only describe as deadened. The spark, the hope and pleas, they all winked out and all that remained was a sneer.
“Right.” He sucked in a breath and let it out before swearing a string of expletives, then continuing with, “You always were a?—”
“I’m done here, is what I am. You go your way, and I’ll go mine, and you should avoid taking any assignments in Silverton again for a nice long time. Bye, Kurt.” I let myself into Jack’s room and shut the door.
Was it running away? No. I didn’t think so. Because I didn’t have to stand there and let him berate me when he was the one who’d messed up. He had hurt people—me, Jude, and who knew how many women he’d harassed or even assaulted.
I shuddered and double-checked the locks. I could hear the shower running so Jack would be out soon.
And in a few hours, I could go home and get over this. I’d tell Jude what happened and he’d probably be furious with Kurt for opening his stupid yap, but then we’d move on. We’d have our date and have a great time.
And I wouldn’t let this feeling like someone tied a lead weight to my ankle drag me down and ruin the evening. I just wouldn’t let it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Jude
Jess arrived right on time looking…
Was it disrespectful to say edible?
