Page 78 of Fighting For You
“He’s a good friend. I saw him a few times a week for a while because he and his grandma would come in for coffee and pie every afternoon. But they tapered off while she was sick and then it was just once a week. And then…” She glanced away, my soft-hearted friend swiping at a tear.
Dove wrapped an arm around Catherine’s shoulders and squeezed. I gave her a moment and Winnie and Nikki chatted about something while I fended off a quick mental spiral tipped off by Catherine’s memory.
Last night, he’d said he was still grieving. That had been on the list of reasons he felt we should slow down. And though I didn’t completely disagree, and he’d done a pretty darn good job of convincing me it wasn’t for lack of wanting, doubt niggled at me.
I was processing through years of hurt and we were so newly friends. The way he talked made it seem like he’d wanted to be friends… or more… for a long time. But how could I trust that when he’d let the dynamic between us go on for so long?
Could I believe him when he said it was his messed up way of staying connected to me? If someone else said it aloud to me, I’d laugh in their face. But this was Beast—Jude—and he didn’t say things he didn’t mean. He wouldn’t placate me.
And yet, could I believe him when my history shouted so loudly between us? When my past with not only Kurt but being abandoned by my father had taught me what to expect from men? Why would I expect anything else from him?
Everything in my gut told me those suspicions were wrong. He had nothing to hide. He had no reason to be nice to me or pretend he liked me let alone had other feelings for me if he really didn’t.
And yet, he was moving slowly. Or maybe…so, he was moving slowly. And I had to figure out how to get past that, to get to the heart of both of us and see if we really had a chance, or if this was a bizarre honeymoon from what we’d been for so long.
“I don’t need all the details, but I want to know what’s holding you back.”
Jo’s fearlessness didn’t end with her writing. She had this way of engaging with people that was so upfront, it was worth taking notes.
“Holding me back?” I asked, my pulse speeding up.
Nikki nodded. “Yes. Even as likely the least emotionally intuitive one here, we canfeelyou holding back.”
They all corroborated this, nodding and murmuring their agreement.
I exhaled, a little caught, but not unwilling. I’d reassured myself I had their love and support so many times lately—their friendship and my belonging with them had been a kind of bastion in the storm of unsteady territory. Time to walk the walk.
“My dad left when I was a kid. You know Kurt left. Andlately, I’ve been realizing so much of what I’ve been angry about is that Kurt’s leaving proves I’m easy to leave.”
Expletives sounded round the table, each face twisted in varying degrees of anger or defensiveness on my behalf. Their instant rebuttal and Jude’s words from last night gave me the push to keep going.
“I know. I know. But the other part of this is… I pushed. With Kurt. I made it clear I wanted marriage and a family, and I know very clearly now, that wasn’t what he wanted. Even then, I kind of knew in my gut I’d forced things. And I just… I can’t stomach the idea of pushing Beast. Like… he’s grieving.” The awful reality swirled and soured in my gut.
Elise narrowed her eyes. “We are talking about grown, adult men, yes?”
Dove nodded. “Yes. Men with free will and the ability to choose whatever the heck they want.”
My brow furrowed. “Yes.”
Nikki chimed in. “Kurt could’ve told you he didn’t want marriage. He didn’t have to propose. He made that choice—you couldn’t have forced him.”
I sighed, hearing them, but afraid they were wrong. So, so afraid.
Jo spoke and interrupted the rising tide of emotion. “And Beast can choose, too. You expressing interest or accepting what he’s offering is in no way forcing anyone, unless it’s somethingyou’renot ready for.”
“Logically, I think I’m getting that. It’s not me. But…” I exhaled slowly, deeply uninterested in crying but feeling the vulnerability rising. “I don’t know how to believe him. After everything between us, I don’t know if I have the ability. And I think I want to. And I also don’t even know if he wants me for more than just… now. Or a little while. I just can’t force it. I don’t have the heart to be with someone who won’t fight for me.”
As my rambling explanation ceased, Dove’s warm hand slipped into mine and squeezed.
“I don’t know how he feels, but I can tell you that you deserve to be loved by someone who will fight for you. That’s not a misguided expectation. Because I know whoever you choose to be with, you’ll fight for them.” She released my hand and gave me a side hug as best she could given our seating arrangements.
“Rosie used to tell me I deserved someone who’d stick. I think for you, yes, you deserve someone who’ll fight. And I can’t help but wonder if there’s any part of this that might show you Beast will.” Nikki’s voice was gentle, like she had some idea how tender all this talk made me.
I wanted him to fight for me, and I wanted to trust myself with all of this. But no one else could talk me into trusting myself. I had to do that on my own.
I thanked them and mercifully our food came. Everyone dove in, and for a few minutes, my thoughts were carried away from the angsty, uncomfortable feelings I had when thinking about Jude and hearing the echoes of a thought I couldn’t quite formulate… something about how he’d always been fighting for me.
Dove groaned with pleasure as she took another bite of her dinner. “Who needs a man when I can just eat Guac? Chips, guac, and book talk.” She raised her margarita.
