Page 59 of Known By You
Because your heart is wrapped around this guy and wants desperately to keep him.
I ignored the deeply unhinged voice in my mind and pushed out of the Saint building and into the cold air. I needed actual space and if it weren’t icy today, I’d try for a hike. Instead, I headed for All Booked Up in search of the one person in this town who might offer me some comfort.
“Welcome in—oh! Hey!” Jo moved from behind the checkout counter and came at me with arms wide.
I welcomed her hug, and it lasted long enough, she had questions in her eyes when we pulled away.
“I’m always happy for a hug from you, but that one felt like you needed it. Care to share?”
I cleared my throat, emotion lodged there, likely due to the lack of sleep.
Keep telling yourself that, delulu.
“It’s been a busy couple days. I don’t want to go too long without seeing you while I’m here.” Because soon, I’d be back across the world, back to the life I was living in a grayscale existence and remembering all the color here.
The more I admitted the difference between the way I lived in Budapest and what Jo and all the people living here had, the more I worried about this nameless restlessness building in me. The more the pinch of anxiety and anger at my job felt more like an ache encroaching on more than just a small, compartmentalized and temporary part of me.
I was losing touch there, the lack of briefings and updates sidelining me, and worse, I was dropping anchor in this place in a weird bid to have something to hold on to. Or was I? Because Kenny and I hadn’t spoken again since that night. My dad wanted me to look at what I really wanted in life. And Jo… Well, Jojo just wanted me around. How did I do this when I myself didn’t know where my feet were supposed to land?
She smiled and pulled me in for another hug. “In that case, I’ll have another.”
I took it, letting everything blip out in the warmth of her embrace.
We laughed at her cheesiness, and a customer came in with a question, so I milled around, picking up a newromance. I tended to read on my e-reader, but occasionally liked the feel of a brand new paperback in hand.
By the time the customer left and I went to check out, Jo was waiting for me at the desk.
“So you’re coming on Saturday,” she said, no hint of an actual question.
“I told you I would, and I’ve read the book. I’ll be here.”
She nodded once with approval. “Good.”
The small hesitation after that comment made me study her. “What else were you going to say?”
“Nothing, I just?—”
“Say what you want to say, Jojo. Don’t censor yourself.” She’d spent years not telling me everything and hiding away a part of herself. We’d worked through it, but occasionally, moments like this crept in and I could tell she was holding back.
“This is going to sound… whatever. I won’t caveat it. I’ll just say I want you to come to book club because I think you’ll enjoy it, but I also want you to see what it’s like to have friends and be in community with people. I know you haven’t had much of that, and I just want to give you a taste.”
Her glasses glinted, but I could see the veracity in her brown eyes, the same shade as mine and our mother’s. There was hope there, and the longing she had for me to experience this.
“I promised you I’d be there, so I will be. I’m looking forward to it.” And part of me was.
But part of me was bracing against what I’d find there because I knew it’d make going back to what I had before that much harder. At one time, I might’ve been embarrassed by her suggestion because it meant she clearly knew I didn’t have that for myself, but my time here had at least softenedthose defenses. I couldn’t pretend I had this fullness, this kaleidoscope of experience. I simply didn’t. In Europe, I was a spy, period. That was a job title and a descriptor of my lifestyle in one, and it was spare. Here I was… me. Whoever that was.
But maybe, like she said, all of this would help me find it for myself. And maybe I’d like what I’d find out. I hoped.
Kenny didn’t come to happy hour at Craic. I saw him in passing and he seemed okay, but not his chipper self. I thought about texting him, but shied away from it in hopes he’d be there tonight and I could pull him aside to talk. So when I realized he wasn’t there, I did my best to stay present with my colleagues and said hello to Jo’s friends, yet again promising them I’d see them at book club tomorrow, and then I left.
I went right to Kenny’s house.
After I knocked once and there was no answer, I rang the bell. My pulse began to climb when he didn’t answer immediately, even though I’d never been here without him. Maybe he was always slow to answer or maybe he was tucking Kit away so he wouldn’t sneak out.
Or maybe his family had kidnapped him and was holding him for ransom, expecting Jack McKean to pay them for his release.
And maybe you’ve read one too many Josie Wade novels lately…
