Page 68 of Known By You
“I like you, too.”
A grin exploded on his face and his sparkly eyes and blazing smile would’ve knocked me over if I hadn’t seen it before. His joy and happiness were a sight to behold.
“I know we’re in different places—that you’re only here for a time.”
My heart clenched. “Yeah.”
I wanted to explain myself—to make sure he knew I already felt like I could live a life here, in some other version of my story. If my entire life wasn’t elsewhere, my purpose and goal, maybe…
Or maybe the urge was to explain how much I liked his life here, how wonderful it seemed, and that I didn’t think less of it. I didn’t think my life was better.
But he wasn’t stuck there, bless him.
His thumb arced over the back of my hand. “I would like to date you.”
I stared at him, waiting for more. When I didn’t speak, and he didn’t either, I bit my lip to hide my smile and he chuckled low, shaking his head.
“This is the part where you tell me what you want.”
To eighteen-year-old me or post-grad me or even thirty-year-old me, needing someone to prompt me to tell them what I wanted would’ve been a laughable scenario. I’d always been certain. But right now, some unknown resistance pressed against my vocal cords, making me shy away from verbalizing just that.
“I want to date you, too, but I’m just not sure…”
“I realize it might not seem worth it for just a short time. I can promise you we’ll have fun, though. I can also promise last night’s drunken pity fest was a one-time deal. I wouldn’t ask you to go out with me if I was planning to spiral out about my family.”
Ugh, this man. He was too sweet.
“I’m not worried about that. You’re allowed to be human. You may have noticed I’m not exactly a party twenty-four-seven.”
He grinned. “I’ve noticed no such thing.”
I shook my head and added an eye roll for good measure. “I just mean, I’m not sure how it’ll go. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I don’t know… where it goes.”
How it ends.
How I walk away from you if my heart is even a fraction more lost than it already is.
I’d dated a few times over the years, but my job had always been my priority. I’d never had to question how to move forward because my answer had always been clear.
But now?
I longed for the clarity of my youth—to channel that intrepid, confident woman who knew exactly what she wanted. I wished life was as black and white as it had been then, and that I didn’t feel this glaring uncertainty. I’d never liked the idea of two roads diverging—there was always a clear path. Or there had been.
“I get that. I’m sure you do very little in life without clarity and a plan in place for how everything will go. So this would be a big ask.”
My brow furrowed as I attempted to understand, but after a long few days, I needed him to spell it out. “Whatis a big ask? Dating you?”
“Yes. Dating me without perfect clarity on how it’ll go. Spending time with me knowing we aren’t sure how long it’ll last.”
And what he wasn’t saying—dating and possibly getting emotionally wrapped up in someone I would say goodbye to in a matter of months.
“Correct. I don’t do that.” But had my insistence on knowing outcomes—or fooling myself into believing I knew the outcomes of choices—paid off?
I was currently on involuntary leave after basically being forced on an extended break due to a subordinate’s mistake that I’d done everything I could to prevent, and yet I couldn’t control another human being. Not completely unheard of, but the lack of faith my leadership had shown me was unusual after so many years of trust… or it certainly felt like it. I’d given the CIA and Kappa Sector the best of me these last nearly fifteen years, and what did I have to show for it?
An apartment that was hardly lived in. A family who barely knew me.
A love life bereft of anything close to love.
