Page 82 of Known By You
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wanting to both draw closer to him, urge him to be with me right now, and also to run away. That was my thing, wasn’t it? So how could I stay when Iwouldleave him?
His jaw flexed. “Nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all. It’s me. I’m not… casual. And I don’t… I don’t think I’d survive it.”
If we slept together and then I left.
A bitter laugh slipped out, but I wasn’t upset with him. It was this situation, or maybe with me. With the reality that I would go back to work and leave him here, even when it was breaking my heart, too.
Because I would go back. That life was the only one I knew. This here, it had been an interlude. I had built my entire existence elsewhere.
“I get it. I really do.” It was all I could offer him. I squeezed his arm, fleetingly admiring the smooth curve of his bicep and the swirls of ink covering the upper side and onto his shoulder.
He was so beautiful, every part of him.
“I should probably go. But I…”
His jaw flexed again and then he reached for me, drawing my face to his with a warm palm at my cheek, claiming my mouth in a kiss that seared into my mind and my body, and didn’t stop until I felt so thoroughly undone, I had no words left.
He stood and pulled on his undershirt, making quick work of unbuttoning the shirt and slipping his arms into it, then his jacket. I stayed put, watching his movements, hoping I didn’t look too pathetic as he left, heart aching even though I understood. He was right.
I finally summoned the wherewithal to stand and walk him to the door. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to my cheek, my temple, and then ducked for one more at my lips. He tucked the hair that’d become wild behind one ear and gently touched his forehead to mine before pulling the door open.
“Call me tomorrow, if you’re free.” And then he left.
And for the first time in as long as I could remember, I returned to the couch and cried myself to sleep.
CHAPTER FORTY
Kenny
Kit knew something was off the minute I got home last night. He curled up next to me in the bed, and though I’d tossed and turned, he hadn’t left.
Now he was curled into a ball on the floor near my clothes from last night and some sick part of me wondered if he’d done so because those clothes smelled a little like Liz. And she generally smelled great, so why wouldn’t he? Plus he seemed about as obsessed as I was whenever she came over.
“I know. I knowwww. I might’ve completely shot myself in the foot, which would be really annoying to then have another limb difference.” I thought of her assurance last night, how clear and direct it had been, how reassured I’d felt about something I hadn’t even realized I was worried about.
The little beast didn’t so much as raise his head and Ismashed a pillow over my face and let out a groan. Flashes of memory assaulted me—the taste of her, her body next to mine, the places I’d touched her and she me. Good grief, it was far less than a teenage make out and yet it’d been some of the hottest moments of my life to date and had left me desperately wanting more.
And yet knowing with utter and crushing certainty that if I took what I wanted—and that she wanted to give—I would be crushed myself. Being with her like that on top of all these feelings… I was a fairly simple man and that would gut me.
Was it cowardly? Maybe. I could admit it. I was increasingly terrified of what it’d be like when she left despite how much I wanted everything with her while she was here. I’d been on this path, barreling toward this end with absolute certainty, and I’d somehow managed to accept it. I’d allowed myself to live in a dream and deny the loud voice saying this wouldn’t work. And now, surprise surprise, here I was, facing down heartbreak because sure enough, the temporary thing was in fact temporary.
“Listen, I don’t blame you for your silent judgement, but I could really use some loves,” I said, waiting for the sounds of him moving. He tended to be pretty responsive to my voice, but the fact he hadn’t rejoined me on the bed yet had me continue talking.
“I promise I’ll talk to Luc and Stone. I swear. And I mean, hopefully I’ll see her today, even though I feel like an idiot and a jerk and a total…” I didn’t know. Would she hate me? She had seemed to understand without me saying the words, but in the light of day, would she get it?
And would she want to spend time with me if sex was off the table? Thus far, it hadn’t been an issue, but I could now recognize the reason I hadn’t made a move. Some partof me had known this was how I’d feel and I hadn’t wanted to confront it and risk ruining the time we had left.
“Dude, I need some kitty loves.” I scratched my fingers on the duvet cover, hoping to lure him in, and propped up my pillows higher to glare down at him.
And then he trotted into the room and launched up onto the bed and I may or may not have let out a screech.
“Where the crap did you just come from?” I glanced down at the little black spot I’d been talking to and had fully believed was my cat, then at the actual cat, who took a swat at my feet as they moved under the covers.
I jumped out of bed and went to investigate, then cracked up. At first, it was a small chuckle, but then, when I picked up the black boxer briefs I’d left discarded with my jeans last night when I’d changed before bed, I laughed so hard it freaked out the actual cat on my bed and he bolted back out of the room.
“Guess that’s part of the charm of a black cat,” I said, wiping at my eyes and glad for the laughter. I’d felt so heavy and restless all night. I’d hardly slept and all I wanted was to hear from Liz, but all I worried about was the very real possibility I wouldn’t.
I went about making some breakfast and getting coffee. It’d been a while since I’d sat out on the back deck and took in the space so I bundled up and slipped out onto the porch, shrugging off the memories of the night I’d brought Liz here for s’mores.
