Page 84 of Known By You
That was what I’d wanted, and what I’d come hereneedingthem to do. But now…
I couldn’t help but think the good news for my job was bad news for mylife, but how did that make sense?
The knock on my door sent me leaping from the table where I’d sat with my laptop and racing to unlock it. I could practically feel the excitement and relief until I yanked open the panel to find my sister smiling back at me and Elise and Dove beaming next to her.
Well, she was smiling right up until she took me in and then her eyes grew wide and she rushed at me, the other women close on her heels.
“What happened? Are you sick?”
She reached up to feel my forehead, and I swatted her hand away.
“Maybe she has a winter cold?” Elise asked.
“What are your symptoms?” Dove asked, reaching for my wrist to check my pulse, but I pulled away.
“No. I—” My throat instantly tightened, and I cleared it, then bit down on the sob threatening to climb its way out of my throat. “I just got this email from work. It’s—I’ll be going back sooner than I thought.”
Dove and Elise were quiet, but Jo’s disappointment came instantly.
“Oh, no. I was hoping it’d get extended. I don’t want you to be in worse trouble, but it’s been so good having you here.” Tears welled in her big brown eyes and she hugged me to her.
“I wasn’t in trouble,” I clarified. Well, she didn’t know the full of it, but I’d never hinted at trouble to her, just a sabbatical.
I cradled the back of her head, hating that anything I was doing was making her sad.
Jo held me by the shoulders and demanded I look at her.
“You don’t have to go back. You know that, right? I mean, I know this is your career, but it doesn’t have to be for twenty or thirty or whatever years. It can just be… what it has been. And you can do whatever you want.”
I was already shaking my head. “It’s not an option.”
She didn’t understand. She’d never had just one thing she wanted. She’d stumbled into her dream career and I couldn’t have been happier for her, but she didn’t get what it was like to have given so much to something and then consider walking away. I’d worked for too long to just give it all up, even after seeing the holes in the fabric I’d woven.
Hadn’t I?
And I was making a difference. On the big scale. On the macro level. I was making the world a safer place for people, for women in general. Women like my sister and her friends—I’d helped dismantle a network of human trafficking in Europe. Tell me that didn’t count! In the worst moments, I reminded myself that eventually, those outcomes did show out. And now I was clinging to them with claws out.
“But it could be. You could make it an option. And you could?—”
“Jojo, please.”
She must’ve heard the devastation in my tone, because she stopped instantly. “I’m sorry. I just hate the idea of you being this miserable going back.”
I shook my head, knowing if I even hinted at Kenny, I’d start bawling again. And he was so much of it, but not all of it. It was her, and my dad, and even Jane, who was so lovely. It was being even farther away from my mom, whose Pacific time zone made me a full nine hours from her. It was these mountains feeling more and more like something I could call home and this town charming my face off.
And none of it was enough to stop me from myself. From this stubborn path I’d set out on years ago and felt nothing short of trapped by now. I was making a difference, and that’s what mattered ultimately. I got to do it this way, and unfortunately, not in any other form. So be it, because it counted for something.
“Alright then, that’s it.” Elise snapped into action, digging around in my kitchen until she found a trash can and plucking it up. “We’re leaving this lovely little den of sadness and we’re going to give you a good day.”
She held the trash can up and slid the pile of tissues I’d accumulated into it, then grabbed the empty glasses I’d left there and bustled back into the kitchen, placing dirty things in the dishwasher.
“Great idea,” Dove agreed, clapping her hands. “Let’s get you into some clothes and maybe a quick face wash, and we’ll get it organized.”
Jo urged me along into the bedroom and promised me it’d be okay. I let myself function on autopilot, pulling on clothes, washing my face and brushing teeth, a soothing numbness descending now that I wasn’t havingto fill my whole day. A few minutes later, I was out on the street, then piling into Jo’s car, headed toward distraction.
Forty minutes later, they’d kept up a steady stream of chatter about topics my mind wouldn’t fully latch onto—some mention of Elise’s ex-boyfriend, Dove’s grandmother moving into an elder care facility in town, and Jo’s latest update on her and Adam.
They were kind enough not to pressure me to say anything, though I couldn’t have even if they’d insisted. Static like an old TV fuzzed my thoughts enough, I had a reprieve. But the lack of clarity made me restless, too.
