Page 92 of Known By You
“No. I don’t have any of those things, which is exactly why it’s been such a treat to be here and witness my sister and dad having them, and getting a little taste for myself.”
Jo gave me a look but patted the table. “I’m going to run to the bathroom and then we’re all going home. We’re getting a little too morose for my taste.”
Once she’d slipped out of the booth, Dove and Elise leaned in. My eyes widened because this was most definitely a coordinated attack.
“You’re making the wrong choice,” Elise said, right as Dove piped in, “This is really a bad call.”
“Going back? To my life and job, which I always planned on returning to?” No doubt the incredulity shone through every syllable.
“Yep. You’re going to regret it,” Elise said, looking at her nails like she didn’t really care, but also needed me to know.
“You just told us seeing your family happy has been a treat. Do you really think life should be miserable? So miserable you have to ‘treat yoself’ to normal human relationships and interactions when you’re on vacation?”
I leaned back, feeling more than a little attacked but also… well, maybe a little convicted by their words. Had I meant that? That this time had been a treat, and I was back to a diet version of life when I left?
“I don’t think I’ve felt that way before living here. I’ve been happy.”
Jo slid into the booth and set a hand on my arm. “Have you, though? When you visited last summer, you certainly didn’t seem all that happy. Isn’t that why you came here instead of traveling or even hanging out in DC?”
“I—” I tried to swallow, my mouth dry as dust, then reached for my water. No one spoke as I guzzled the liquid, my mind floating and not landing on a single word until I set down the drink. “I don’t know.”
Jo shook her head ever so slightly. “I think you do. And I think it scares you that you do—maybe you don’t want to.”
My teeth ground together. “I don’t expect you all to understand. You have a wonderful little community here and an amazing group of friends, but that’s not what everyone wants. That’s not—” I cleared my throat, unable to force out the words I’d planned to say and instead rerouting. “That’s not what everyone can have.”
The life of a spy is lonely, by definition and also on purpose. We lived apart and only reconnected for bursts to recenter ourselves.
I’d done just that during my time here and now it’d come to an end.Such is life. My life.
A bus boy came and cleared the table. We’d paid long ago and they were ready to close up. I’d forgotten it was a Monday and even during ski season the restaurants closed by nine on weekdays.
I hugged Elise and Dove goodbye, each of them wishing me safe travels and extracting promises that I’d Zoom into their book clubs at least every other month.
Jo walked me to my door. I’d see her again at familydinner tomorrow night, but my heart thudded in my chest like this was goodbye for us, too.
“I know I’m your little sister and I’ve always made very different choices than you have. I know you want to believe that your destiny or fate or path orwhateveris to go back to your job and toil away until you retire, but I want to call bs on that.” She shifted on her feet and tucked her hands close to her chest. “I want to beg you to consider that you could do something different and it might be amazing. I know it feels final and scary and just… maybe completely insane. Maybe it is. But I don’t want you going back because you think it’s the only option. You have choices and if you decided to, you could have a very different life.”
I took her in, this woman who’d grown and changed in incalculable ways. I’d missed so much time with her, but I’d regained some, too. We’d broken through walls we’d erected over the years when I first visited Silverton last year for her book signing, and that closeness was what had prompted me to come back.
“I know it’s hard for you to understand. You’ve chosen a career path that is so full of joy and gives you life.” I squeezed her hands. “I love that for you and am so grateful you’ve found your way.”
“But?” she said, shaking my hands where she gripped them right back.
“But I don’t have anything like that. I don’t have a secret passion I’ve been neglecting. I don’t have aspirations I’m ignoring. I’m doing the job I always wanted to do.” My mind jarred at the admission, the words hitting me like a metal mallet to a gong.
“Okay. That’s fair. But I’d like to suggest that since you’ve been doing the job you’ve always wanted and you don’t seem anything close to happy, you?—”
“I am happy, Jojo, I?—”
“Please, at the very least, stop lying to yourself, okay? Choose the job. Choose the life you’ve worked hard to establish. Absolutely. But please don’t pretend you’re happy and living a life you imagined for yourself at thirty-five.”
Her big brown eyes were pleading and though the words were harsh, they came from the depth of her. They emerged from that big heart she’d always worn on her sleeve and that I so admired.
But if listening to her feelings had been her forte, functioning in a pragmatic reality had always been my specialty. “That’s the thing, though. I’ve never imagined anything other than what I have.”
Her brow furrowed and she shook her head like she couldn’t decide what to do with me. Then she yanked on my hands and pulled me into a hug.
“I love you so much, even when you’re more stubborn than a mule.”
