Page 99 of Known By You
Well, all except half my heart and some pieces of my soul, which I’d left in Silverton, tucked away with the people I loved.
Returning to my drab apartment and my sterile office only drilled the choice I’d made home. Then walking into the office and getting back into the thick of things had felt… oddly thin. Because work hadn’t stopped without me here. Leads had been uncovered and followed, assets had been reined in, tips had been investigated. All without me. Without a shred of input or insight from me, from my position and job.
I’d always thought I was a cog in a big mechanism, but had felt like I mattered in that context. Turned out, themechanism hadn’t even needed me, let alone missed me. Sure, my boss and colleagues seemed glad I was back, but after the weeks in Silverton, all those faces felt practically unfamiliar to me. They certainly didn’t knowme.
What did it say about my life, my purpose, my whole reason for being? Every move I made here made this ring in my head, and every step I’d taken away from Silverton and every old routine I’d run through in the last few hours pushed me toward one very clear conclusion.
I didn’t want this anymore.
This life had begun as a dream for me. Truly, I’d been exhilarated by the work for a long time. The thankless long hours, the risk, the distance, the feeling of being anotherin any given country I lived in despite speaking the language and knowing the customs after preparing for months… I’d loved it all.
Until I hadn’t.
Sometime in the last few years, I’d lost that focus and sense of purpose. At some point, all of the hard things just started feeling harder, and the good things didn’t balance them out.
And then I went to Silverton.
I saw the possibilities I’d never even fathomed. They weren’t pictures I’d ever seen or dreamed of in my childhood. They were a version of life I couldn’t have imagined and wouldn’t have believed if I hadn’t seen them myself.
I saw Jo so completely in love with Adam and witnessed his sacrificial, encompassing love right back. I’d seen my dad happier than he’d ever been in my memory, not only loving Jane and her family, but working in the bookshop and reinventing himself.
And I met Kenny.
Just the thought of him brought a fresh and very unwelcome round of tears to my eyes.
He’d been genuine. He’d pursued me but didn’t pressure me. Kenny had shown me so much beauty—in his town, in the people there, in his cobbled together family at Saint, and in his care and love for me.
I’d known it the night he left me with apologies, and I’d known it each time we parted in the last few days. He loved me.
I’d willed him to ask me to stay. I’d almost begged him to say anything to deter me from coming back to this life, and yet he’d encouraged me. He’d been glad for me, even.
The anger I’d felt at him for that was real, but somewhere over the Atlantic, I’d realized he never would’ve done anything else. Kenny would never stop cheering for the people he cared about, nor would he do anything to deter them from pursuing their dreams.
Hadn’t he come from a dynamic that discouraged and put down? Hadn’t he faced a family who sneered at his desire for more, at his pursuit of service and anything beyond what they already had?
Of course he wouldn’t sentence anyone else to those same experiences.
Plus, his past was full of betrayal from the people he should’ve been able to trust. He needed safety and security in a relationship. We hadn’t had a relationship, exactly, but it’d felt like it. Within the little cocoon of our time together, I’d been willing to share things I’d never told anyone.
What he needed was someone to choose him overtly, repeatedly, and in an undeniable way.
I’d come back to work citing the commitment I’d made, but the truth rested in my gut, lodged there with an achingclarity. Coming back here was the safe bet, and it was running away, like I’d done so many times through my life.
Had I grown in any way? Matured? Learned anything at all these last few years, or even my thirty-five so far?
I thought I made a difference here, and I had. Maybe I was a replaceable cog, but it didn’t diminish that I’d taken down bad actors, had saved many women’s lives. But I’d also made a difference in Silverton. Evie was proof of it.
It wasn’t the job that mattered, ultimately.How long has it taken me to realize this?
It was what I was doing with my life. Wherever I was, I could make a difference. It was all on me and not the job title, per se. I could choose how to spend my time and the things I’d learned, just like Jo chose to gift the world with books that brought joy and delight, and it brought her the same to do so.
I get to choose.
The moment this clicked, I knew what I had to do.
I got to work setting everything in motion—it’d be a long day, but hopefully by the end of it, all the details would be settled.
I made it back to my apartment, shot off a dinner order at my favorite delivery place, and got to work packing. When I’d called the regional chief and told him my plan, he’d been, not surprisingly, furious. When I’d talked to my deputy station chief, he’d been more than delighted because my change most likely held a promotion for him.
