Page 45 of Anything for You
I froze in place, eyes glued to her, and her breaths heaved for a few seconds, but the sound faded and silence spread out between us. Her hair sprouted out from hertemples and framed her face, her blue eyes rimmed with red and mouth tight with emotion.
And me? I couldn’t tell what was happening to me, this intimate knowledge a blow to the head and heart and yet also, completely inapplicable to me.
Slowly, she looked up to meet my gaze.
“So that’s a pretty personal thing about me I didn’t really plan to tell you, but here we are.” She took a deep bow with one hand sweeping out to the side. “I had chances, I just didn’t. And sometimes, I wonder if it’s because of how I was raised, and other times, I think maybe it’s because of how I know my heart works. And then I keep going around in a useless circle and give up.”
She’d started talking faster, unraveling with the reality that she’d apparently revealed something she never meant to.
So I matched her.
“I get it.”
She snorted. “I’m sure you do.”
It was probably the least charitable she’d ever been, and I couldn’t blame her.
“Of course not all of it. I have no idea what it was like growing up in that environment and I’m sorry you had to. I’m so sorry for what happened with your parents and how your brother turned out.” Just the thought of this lovely, bright woman being treated so poorly as a child made my heart squeeze.
She dipped her head, a tiny acknowledgement of my words. I wasn’t done, though, and this was where I could relate.
“I get the other choices to some degree, though. I’ve been celibate for six years.”
Her mouth dropped open.
Closed.
Open.
Her lashes fluttered, and her lips closed again.
“This feels like a double standard,” I said, enjoying her shock. I’d long since made my peace with this choice and I never regretted it. Not for a second.
She looked like she might burst as her pretty hands fluttered around, stacking her teacup and saucer onto the tray, then dusting a few crumbs into her hand.
“I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable, I?—”
“No. Not at all. I’m sorry I’m acting like an immature weirdo. I’m just trying to figure out why you’d do that—stay celibate—without being a jerk by asking because it seems so invasive, but then it feels like maybe you wouldn’t mind, and I can’t decide.” She looked up through her thick lashes, a wry little smile tucked into one corner of her lovely mouth.
“I got tired of feeling empty,” I said, hoping she’d connect the dots.
With her bright blue eyes on me and my heart rate ticking up, everything seemed vivid. Almost the opposite of what happened before a panic attack—heart rate skyrockets but everything gets blurry. This was like an artist had come along and outlined her in bold.
“Six years ago? That was before the injuries and…” she faded out, and I could see she didn’t want to say the words.
Depression. Suicidality.“Yes. Before. I never felt like I could commit to someone very well with the schedule our units kept, but I didn’t like the lack of connection or significance that came with more casual interactions.”
She nodded. “I can see that. I always figured I wouldn’t like that either. I mean, I’ve never actuallydated, but the two times I’ve kissed someone, it was with very little connection and even that, I didn’t like.”
I nodded, understanding completely. “Exactly. So I decided to take a break from any attempts at being with someone. Then the deployment where everything changed and it just didn’t make sense anymore.” Clearing my throat, I glanced at Bear. He watched me from his bed, one brow raising like if I gave him the slightest indication, he’d be at my side.
He would be, too, the sweet beast.
“Having sex didn’t make sense anymore?” she asked, evidently puzzled by my last words.
“Maybe?” I scratched at my cheek, thinking I should trim up my beard sometime soon. “I guess it just didn’t make sense that anyone would want me when I was struggling so much—not for anything other than physical gratification, and even that seemed like a stretch at the time. I didn’t want anyone around me as it was. Then, the meds I was on killed any drive I might’ve had, so I didn’t even feel the desire. And as I’ve gotten better, healed up and found my way again…”
I still don’t know if anyone would want me.
