Page 179 of Crew
He was going to push me away, and then he was going to step away, and then he was going to go away.
"I want to die," I cried.
He stopped.
I'd pulled the last card I had.
"And the last, will you forgive as if we're one person?"
I felt her touch on my back. It was gentle and loving, and I felt her strength seep into me. I didn't care what anyone told me. I felt her presence as strongly as when she'd held me before I turned nine. I felt her heat. I smelled the rose perfume she wore.
I didn't feel her inside me anymore, not the way she used to be. It changed that second, that day. Searching Cross' eyes, seeing how stricken he was, I didn't see her in him anymore either.
"Bren?" he choked out, reading inside me.
"That's why I go to my house. I go to see her, but I go because I want a mom again."
A wall crumbled inside me. Everything was spilling out.
I needed to say it. I just knew I needed to.
"I want my dad back--the one he was before he drank, before she left, before Channing left. I want everything how it used to be, before I had to stab a guy to keep him from raping me."
My chest rose and held. "I can't have any of that again, so the only way is if I die too. You're keeping me from going down that road. You're keeping me here. I am fighting for you every goddamn day of my life! Don't you get that?!" Anger licked my insides, pushing everything aside. It rushed over all of it, and I was suddenly enraged. "I don't give a shit what's going on at your house. I don't give a shit how much you want to kill Alex. I don't give a shit how much you're hurting. You hurt more. You give a shit more. You deal with it more. You keep taking it, enduring it, fighting back, and you goddamn keep going, because that's what I'm doing!"
The edges blurred.
I wasn't seeing straight.
I grabbed for the gun.
Cross' hand closed around it, but I rotated my back into him, pulling the gun out and away. He couldn't keep his hold, and as soon as it was free, I flung it. As far as I could throw, as hard as I could throw.
Cross swore and started to go around me.
I hip-checked him, slamming him back. "No! NO!"
He shoved me away, getting in my face now. "This isn't your decision!"
"FUCK YOU!" I hit him. I hit him again. "It is because you're mine. You're MINE!" I started pummeling him, one fist after another to his chest.
I would fight him with everything in me.
I was crew. That was it for me.
I heard a crunch of gravel behind me. I heard Jordan's voice saying, "Here." And Cross bundled me up, shifting me to the side as he reached out.
He passed me to Jordan, as Jordan passed him the gun.
My mouth fell open. "Wha--"
Jordan's shoulders seemed to slump, and his eyes were bleak too. "It has to be his decision." He was resigned.
"Wha--"
"I'm sorry."
I didn't know who said that, but Jordan held me back, wrapping his arms around me.
