Page 103 of Deadly Knight
“Yeah,” I agree with her unfinished statement. “I don’t know what to do, Vanessa.”
“Do you love him?”
Dimitri asked the same only hours ago—twice, technically—and I never responded. With Vanessa, the truth slips out without hesitation.
“I’ve always loved him. I forced myself to move on and forget him for both my well-being and his. Our worlds don’t mix, and people won’t always accept it.”
Her head ticks to the side again in a manner that irritates me. “You’re safe if you stay. What happened in the past won’t happen again. I vow it on my role as Pakhan. As Dimitri’s, you’d be one of us. If any of my soldiers were to act against you, Dimitri wouldn’t get a chance to react; I’d deal with them myself.”
Maybe not, but it doesn’t rule out your uncle’s loyalists.
“I heard your phone call earlier, about wanting him in the meeting with you and Zeno. What does being your second entail?”
“He’s the stand-in for when I’m not around. He has authority over the soldiers and businesses, ranking directly beneath me. He controls many of the deals that take place and signs off on them at my authority.”
“So you need him?”
“He’s my closest friend, not just family. He’s made it so I’m able to shoulder so much of the life. He’s the reason I was strong enough to step into the role. He trained me to be the woman I’ve become.”
Every word lashes at my heart, but confirms what I know. “Ten years ago, he didn’t seem to enjoy this life. Is he happy now?”
“I think so. His father and mine were the main reasons he didn’t enjoy the Bratva. He disappears a lot to Toronto, but when he’s present, he’s one of my most loyal men. Now that he’s not flying off to stalk you, it’ll be nice to have him around more often.”
Now that you’re hereare her unspoken words.
“I think back then, he suspected there’d be a time he’d have to choose between you and the Bratva. Add in both our fathers’ controlling antics, and a lot of his hatred bloomed from that. With you here, we’ll see a new Dimitri.”
Tears prick the back of my eyes, and now I wish I took the offered wine. Dimitrican’tleave the Bratva, no matter what he claims. It’s not fair to him or Vanessa. To the soldiers and businesses he manages. He offered because he believes he has to choose—becauseI’vebeen making him choose. I’m the asshole unable to accept all parts of him. Who’s terrified of having a repeat, of letting him in once more, insisting we’re trauma-bonded and frightened of what that could mean for us.
She watches me over the rim of her glass. “These aren’t random questions. What’s on your mind?”
I look down and swallow the lump in my throat.
“You still want to go home, don’t you.” It’s a statement from a woman trained to read what others don’t say.
“I can’t do this.” It comes out as a whisper. “I never expected to see him again, so I forced myself to make a new life, and it’s one I’ve gotten comfortable in. Ivan was to blame, I get that, but this showed me I’m not meant for a life of danger, which is what the mob brings with it—no offense. His father said old loyalists might try to avenge him.”
Vanessa rolls her eyes. “Of course he’s conceited enough to believe that, and you know, there might be some gunning for Dimitri. Many view it as a sin to murder your own father, regardless of Ivan’s actions against us. Even some of the soldiers who are loyal to me might take offense, seeing as he’s someone they look up to. None of that’s a guarantee, of course, and we’d stop an uprising before anything sparked.”
“That’s what frightens me. I work withkids. I live in downtown Toronto, surrounded by a lot of innocent people. Ifthey were targeting Dimitri, they might take a page from Ivan’s book and use me. He’ll be hurt trying to keep me safe, and it’s not fair to him. I don’t know how to protect him when I barely know how to keep my mental walls intact. I’m not like you guys, born and bred into this kind of world. Life isn’t equal, and we all have our place. Mine isn’t by his side, no matter what he wants to believe.”
With my spiel over, I can’t bite the tears back anymore. They stream freely, and my hands wipe my eyes. I despise crying in front of Vanessa, who’ll only be on Dimitri’s side.
A gentle clang echoes through the kitchen as she rests her empty glass to the side, and then slim arms wrap me in a hug I didn’t realize I needed. “It’s okay,” she whispers. “It makes sense. You’re in a difficult place.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“He needs to understand where you’re coming from. I’m not saying you two couldn’t make it work, but what you’re thinking also makes sense. It’d be difficult to maintain a life and job in Toronto, while being a mob wife to a Bratva Elite member. He’ll demand you move here, and if you get a job, he’ll stick a bodyguard on you. Take it from someone who was once forced to pretend to be a person I wasn’t. Deep down, it needs to be something you want…or at least, something you can live with.” She moves until she’s cupping my shoulders, forcing my eyes onto her. “Is it?”
“I don’t think so.”
Her smile is as shattering as what’ll happen to my soul in the morning. “Then you need to break his heart for real this time. Ten years ago, fear and the need for safety drove you away, so he knew you hadn’t stopped loving him. It’s why he couldn’t let you go. But if this is what you want—what youtrulywant—then ensure he’ll leave you alone for good.”
If I had a soul, it’s gone now. To consider hurting him is impossible, but she makes sense.
I nod because it’s all I have left. A meaningless motion while she continues to comfort me hours before breaking her cousin’s heart.
When I finally return to bed, Dimitri pulls me into his arms, and I let him hold me. He grabs me a bit tighter, like heknows, and it’s with his arm around my waist and his hand holding my heart that I doze off.
