Page 6 of Drifter
“I’ve been watching her house since her father showed up that day. I didn’t like what I saw, and it gutted me to see Sasha that way. Sasha and I have been dancing around our attraction. I’m putting myself out there, and I don’t like feeling this vulnerable. It leaves me open to a world of hurt that I don’t want to go through again.” I sigh.
“You haven’t told her, have you?” Hawk says.
I run a hand over my face. “How do I tell her that I let a man die?”
“You made a choice. The chances of Robinson making it to a hospital were a million to one. You blame yourself, but there was no choice. The four other men you tended to are alive and with their families because you made that decision,” Hawk says. This is the first time we’ve talked about it.
Hawk knows me better than anyone, except my father. My father understood me. Dad was my confidant. We did everything together. My mom left, but my father more than made up for it. He worked a full-time job and took on odd jobs and soon became the go-to guy for any handyman work that needed to be done. David Denville was both mother and father to me. My mother, Jackie, was never a part of my life, and I never bothered to search her out.
Dad scrimped and saved until he was able to start his own business. He bought an old run-down bar and made it new again. A bar meant that he could spend time with me during the day, before and after school, then he left me with my grandparents when I slept. We did this until I was old enough to join him at the bar. As soon as I could, I started helping out my father. That’s how I met Hawk.
It’s a good thing he came into my life, because without him, I’m not sure what I would have done after my father died. When my father had a massive heart attack and died, I fell apart. I didn’t give a shit about the bar, mainly because everything in it was a reminder of him. My grandparents had passed on years before, and suddenly, I was alone, except for Hawk.
I sold the bar and ran away. The army was my haven for a while. I needed the structure and met people I came to admire and respect. Hawk wrote to me, and whenever I could, I would call. He knew I needed time, but he always held the door open for me to come home. In the meantime, he met Guard and, in his letters, told me all about him.
One of the commanders encouraged me to become a medic, and I was all in for the idea, thinking I could help my unit. I studied hard, worked hard, and loved that I was making a positive difference in the world.
Being a medic when the fighting was over and stepping in to administer first aid is completely different from being in the middle of battle and watching the men you’ve grown to admire die because there was nothing you could do to save them. I got really good at separating my personal feelings from my role as the medic. Until Lieutenant Craig Robinson came to our unit. He was one of the greatest. Kind soul, calm, even-keeled, and funny as hell.
Craig grew up in a little town in Alabama, with a girl back home waiting for him. He joined the army to get an education so that when he got out, he’d be able to get a decent job and raise a family with his girl. I liked him, and he soon became my buddy. I looked out for him, and he looked out for me.
Craig and I were close to finishing our term in the army. It was my last month in Syria before heading back stateside. My plan was to register for medical school and become a doctor. My life made sense, and I had a purpose. I told Craig all about Hawk and the club we were putting together, and Craig wanted to join. We made plans, but it fell apart one fateful night.
Insurgents attacked our camp. Craig was a big man, a tank, and he could defend himself against anyone in hand-to-hand combat. But as big as he was, you can’t fight a hand grenade thrown at your feet with zero time to react.
I screamed for Craig to run, but by the time I called out and he reacted, it was too late, and I saw his body bounce through the air and land twenty feet away. I raced over, but I fucking knew that it would take a miracle to save him. Beside him were several other injured soldiers. Craig was barely conscious, and all I wanted to do was tend to him, but he knew that he wasn’t going to make it.
“Axel…” Craig sounded strained as he called my name, the excruciating pain apparent on his face. “Don’t waste time with me. I’m done, brother.”
“No.”
He gripped my arm. “Shut up and listen!” he said through clenched teeth. “Tell Maryanne that I loved her from the first second I saw her in kindergarten, and I’ll be watching to make sure she lives her life to the fullest. And you, my friend, go home, join Hawk, and make me proud. You hear?”
“Ya, I hear,” I said, my throat clogged with emotion.
“You gotta go now. Pull back and take the ones you can with you,” he whispered.
“You first,” I insisted.
“No.” His eyes closed. “Do what I tell you.”
I did what he told me. I carried four men out behind our barriers and went back for Craig. If I moved him, he would bleed out before I could do anything to save him. If I stayed, I’d be joining him in death. I did the only thing I thought would be humane; I gave him a shot of morphine to ease the pain. He sighed his relief and closed his eyes.
“Go, my friend,” he murmured. I left him.
To this day, I wonder if I did the right thing. What if I had been able to save him? What kind of man leaves his buddy to die? Logically, I did the right thing. Everyone says so, including Maryanne and the army. I received a commendation and a medal for bravery for saving four men. It still sits in a box, and I haven’t been able to look at it since the day it was given to me. Maryanne has moved on with her life, but I check in on her from time to time. She moved to the city and is dating a nice man who seems to care for her. I checked him out and warned him that if he ever hurt her, he’d have to answer to me. It didn’t scare him in the least, and he told me he loved her.
I left the army and haven’t used my medical skills since, unless it was for a brother, and Sasha on that day she needed me.
“Drifter, fuck! Are you even listening to me?” Hawk says, jolting me out of my thoughts.
“I was with Craig,” I respond.
Hawk’s expression changes immediately to one of concern. “Talk to me.” His tone is low and thoughtful.
“I can’t shake how I feel. I replay that night over and over again. If I were closer, I could have reached him sooner. If I…”
“Fuck, Axel! You can’t change what was!” he curses, raking a hand through his hair as he begins pacing the room.
