Page 55 of Starting Over at Halesmere House
‘In a minute, when we catch our breath. We’ve both had a shock and it’s probably not a good idea to move until you’re certain you’re okay.’
‘I know when I’m hurt and when I’m not, Alice, and I’m all right.’
‘I’m sure you do but I’m cleaning that wound up, whatever you say.’ It would delay him for the time she wanted him to take, at least.
Alice tore open a packet of antiseptic wipes and carefully removed the blood from his face. He was utterly still, beyond a muscle twitching in his cheek and the fingers trembling on his thigh. The cut needed a couple more wipes and she finished with antiseptic cream she also found in his kit. The cold was rising from the ground, the chill already seeping into her legs and back, and it was damp. She wondered if he’d even noticed.
‘Ready to go?’ He grimaced as he went to stand up.
‘If you are?’ She was watching him as well as she packed everything away, stuffing the rubbish into a small plastic bag, which went in her pocket.
‘I’m fine, thanks. We’ll stiffen up if we stay here too long and we shouldn’t get cold.’
They set off and she followed, trying to keep an eye on Zac as she rode. They made it safely back to the van and she refused to let him lift the bikes into it in case he was more injured than he’d let on.
‘Would you like me to drive us home? You can put your head back, just chill.’ She slammed the door on the bikes, turning to face him.
‘What? No.’ He laughed off her suggestion, already heading around to the driver’s side.
‘You’re quite sure?’ Alice put out an arm to halt him, recognising the hint of steel in his expression. She’d seen it often enough before in her old career, when someone wanted to drive and probably shouldn’t.
‘Totally.’
‘Zac, if there’s something wrong here then say so. I don’t want you to drive if you don’t feel comfortable doing it. If your head hurts or you feel dizzy.’ She wasn’t sure how far she was prepared to push this point. ‘It’s not fair on you or me, or anyone else on the road, if you were to have an accident because you’re not feeling right. I’m an excellent driver, as the saying goes, and I’ve driven way bigger lorries than your van. I’ll be careful.’
‘It’s not that I don’t trust you, in theory.’ His voice was hollow, empty of his usual confidence.
‘Then what is it?’ She had a feeling she knew and didn’t want to second-guess him. ‘This is just between us, I promise.’
‘I don’t really trust anybody to drive me.’ Zac’s breath escaped in a long sigh as he leaned against the van. ‘It’s a control thing. I worry about someone else losing it behind the wheel and me having another accident. I know it’s stupid, pointless, all those things, and I’m still trying to get past it.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t even drink so I can always drive when I need to. I’m always the mate giving the lifts, picking people up.’
‘It’s okay, I understand why you’d feel that way.’ Alice raised a hand to his face, his smile brief against her palm. She also liked to be in the driving seat; never again would she be a passenger in her own life. ‘I’m sorry if I triggered something.’
‘You didn’t; it’s not your fault. It makes sense to offer – anyone would do the same.’
She was thinking of Zac’s care for her that night in her studio, when she’d been bereft over the date of a birthday that never was. The career he’d loved and lost, the fears he still lived with and refused to reveal. How had they penetrated each other’s layers the way they had, both seeing behind all they presented to the world? She was done with fear and the worries it brought about what was next. What might land in her lap tomorrow and shock her all over again. And she trusted him.
‘Promise me your head isn’t hurting, you feel dizzy or anything like that? Because if you do and you drive me back, then…’
‘I’m not, I swear. I wouldn’t risk you, Alice. I’d be calling a taxi or even Stan to come and get you. I didn’t hit my head; my cheek caught on a rock when I went down. I was lucky. I’ll probably be aching and sore tomorrow, that’s all.’
‘Okay.’ She got into the passenger seat, and he started the engine. She had no reason to doubt his awareness as he drove, no need to doubt his word. He was as quick, efficient and careful as ever and they were soon back at Halesmere. The courtyard was quiet now the visitors and all the artists had finished for the day, and the chickens in the gardens were squawking, about to go to bed.
‘Would you still like that bath?’ Zac shifted to face her in the van.
Alice didn’t want to go home yet, not alone, and there was no bath in the barn. And no Zac, unless she invited him to join her. ‘Yes please. I think I’ve earned it after that climb.’
He went ahead up the steps and unlocked the door. Inside the flat, he switched on a lamp, the afternoon easing into evening already, revealing pale grey walls and a compact white kitchen. He drew the curtains and her anxious gaze flickered up to a roll-top bath behind oak spindles on the mezzanine floor, the glimpse of a bed further back.
Her heart was racing as she clutched her bag in front of her like a barrier. What might it be like, this first time with someone else? Why had all her confidence suddenly fled when they’d already spent the night in the same bed? But this was different, oh so different, and still she wanted this, him, with every part of her body and soul.
‘Would you like me to take that?’
Zac held out a hand and her voice cracked as she gave him the bag. ‘Please.’ Adrenaline was quivering in her limbs. ‘I’m a bit nervous. Sorry.’
‘Hey, don’t apologise. You’re not the only one.’ He ran a gentle finger down her cheek. ‘There’s no pressure here, no expectation, okay? This is whatever you want it to be. You can have a long hot bath and I’ll make us some dinner if you like.’
‘What about you?’ she croaked. ‘What do you want?’
