Page 63 of Starting Over at Halesmere House
He and Neil were leaving the following day, heading south to spend Christmas with Hayley and her family in Chester. And Alice, too, was joining Steven, Jenna, the girls and her mum at Center Parcs. Much as she was excited about seeing her family again, she was utterly dreading this full stop on her time with Zac. Tonight was their last evening together and she wanted to treasure every moment. He was already packed, and she hated seeing his belongings gathered in her bedroom, an irrefutable reminder of their parting.
Zac had shown her online images of the neat, one-bedroomed cottage he was renting, near the banks of the Caledonian Canal. It seemed alien to Alice, some far-off realm that had no place in their lives here. She knew he was looking forward to getting started with the job and making a career in forestry.
Alone in the evening, there were no more words after they’d made love. Before either of them were ready for it, Christmas Eve had arrived when they woke. Alice got up first and disappeared into the shower, trying to make it easier for both of them. Zac made breakfast and she stopped dead at the familiar sight of him in her kitchen. How much less of a home it would feel, without him in it. She was packed for Center Parcs too, and they loaded their vehicles in silence. Snow was forecast in Cumbria and there was no point in lingering before it held them back.
‘Will you be okay, in that?’ Outside, only goodbye was left, and Zac glanced at her Porsche. ‘Sorry. I know you’ve driven in everything. You’ve probably got more miles on the clock than me.’
‘Don’t be.’ She touched his face; she couldn’t help it. ‘You were being concerned and I appreciate it. But I will be fine. Message me when you arrive?’
‘In Chester? Or up north?’
‘Both, if that’s okay,’ she replied. ‘Send me some images of the cottage if you want; it’ll be so pretty in winter.’
‘Yeah. And I want to see that meadow.’ Zac held out his arms and she walked into them. ‘So. This is me, not saying goodbye. I’ll see you sometime.’
‘You will.’ Alice made herself smile. ‘You’ve got a gorgeous godson to keep an eye on and a christening to look forward to.’
‘That seems ages off. You could come up, if you want to?’
‘It’s a long way, and we’re both going to be busy.’ She had to let him go; holding him was making goodbye even harder. ‘And then what, if I do come for a visit? I don’t want some on-off, friends with benefits thing. We both need the space to move on. Don’t you think?’
‘I suppose.’ Zac sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. ‘Doesn’t feel that way right now, though.’
‘I know.’ Alice swallowed. ‘It’s been wonderful, truly, but we were never going to make a future together when you’re not going to be living here.’
‘I’ll never regret it, Alice.’ He caught her hand, raising it to kiss her fingers.
‘Neither will I.’ She kissed him once again, the man who’d slept beside her these past weeks. The one she’d held when he’d been contacted by his ex-fiancée, and it had brought back a painful time in his life he’d tried to move on from. The man whom she’d let drive her beloved car because he hadn’t quite come to terms with letting someone else take control. He trusted her now and that thought almost made her weep.
He’d cared for her too, had looked after her that night when she’d been broken all over again from the loss of her baby. He’d understood what it meant when she’d held Isaac and marvelled over his birth when she hadn’t been able to do the same with her own. So many layers they’d revealed, and Alice would only ever be glad they’d let each other in for the time they’d had together.
‘Make sure to give your girls a big hug when you see them. And you know I wish you all the luck in the world with your job.’ Alice threw her bag into the car, aware that each movement was a step away from Zac, back to a life without him.
‘Merry Christmas, Alice.’ He kissed her cheek quickly and she wasn’t sure he’d even heard her whisper ‘Happy New Year’ as he got into the van and took off first.
Chapter Nineteen
To Alice, Christmas at Center Parcs was like landing in another universe after Halesmere. Even with the comfort of a woodland lodge and her family there, bikes outside the door and so much to enjoy, she felt flat. Despite her efforts to make sure no one else noticed, Jenna did, and she was often at Alice’s side with a kind word or an understanding look.
Alice missed Zac horribly and even the wretched trees reminded her of him. They messaged a couple of times, sharing images of their families and the children’s excitement over Christmas. But there was a stiltedness already becoming evident in their chat as they tried to navigate a friendship that had been so much more.
She threw herself into all the activities on offer with the girls – meeting Santa, swimming, archery – and she and Jenna managed one luxurious afternoon at the spa. Despite missing the girls the moment they left when the break was over, Alice was very glad to be returning to Halesmere and her own home. To her surprise, her mum had asked if she could come back with her, and she’d agreed.
They returned in time for the New Year’s Day swim in the tarn, which was made even more exciting after Max, Lizzie and Cal had all taken their icy dip and Max announced that he and Ella had got engaged that morning. Max’s mother, Noelle, was there, along with Lily and Arlo’s other two sets of grandparents, all cooing over Isaac wrapped up against the chill, and champagne was opened back in the barn at Halesmere. Stan was ecstatic about the news, until he inadvertently swallowed a mouthful of champagne, which he hated, making Noelle roar. Neil, his own family Christmas with Zac over too, gave Alice an understanding hug and said he’d missed her, making her smile through a sniff.
Alice enjoyed having her mum stay, even though it felt strange to be sharing a house with her after so long apart. They’d never been in the habit of taking holidays together and it was only once Steven and Jenna had had the girls that they’d started. Her mum loved Halesmere, the barn and the studios, and they had a happy time driving round antiques shops and choosing more vintage items to furnish the Flower Shed.
Alice felt tired and even her mindfulness wintering exercises each day weren’t really lifting her mood the way they usually did. She missed Zac and the barn seemed so empty when her mum left too, taking the train back down to Cambridge. She was cycling every day when the weather allowed, so uplifted to see the gradual return of light when she came home after work. A sign, surely, that spring was slowly on its way.
Weeks soon became a month, and she shared a couple more messages with Zac, careful to keep things light and not reveal how she still felt about him. He’d sent images of his cottage and a view of the nearby canal at first light, and she reciprocated with a shot of the meadow in the mist one morning and another of her muddy bike propped against a wall out on a ride.
Her workshops were starting up again and she had three booked for the weekend before Valentine’s Day. She’d devised a planting plan for the meadow and most of the seeds overwintering in the polytunnel were doing well. She’d lost a few to the cold and still had hundreds more annuals to sow once the weather improved. The polytunnel was great and provided shelter, but it wasn’t warm, and she didn’t usually linger inside it.
Towards the end of January, she was still feeling weary and trying to throw off a bug she’d caught. Nausea had added itself to her symptoms and it wasn’t until the fifth morning in a row Alice woke feeling the same way that a shocking thought landed in her mind, and she sat bolt upright in bed.
No! It couldn’t be!
She couldn’t face breakfast once the idea had planted itself and after a shower she jumped straight into the car and raced to a supermarket thirty-five minutes away. She paid for the pregnancy test and locked herself in the toilets. This couldn’t wait for another thirty-five-minute journey home.
