Page 64 of Starting Over at Halesmere House
Alice took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. It wouldn’t be. It was beyond all hope that she might be pregnant, and she mustn’t wish for it. The box promised the test was 99% accurate and she read the instructions three times before she dared try. She laid the test flat and waited. A digital countdown appeared, flashing before her eyes and she felt lightheaded. Her periods had always been erratic, and she was trying to think back to the date of the last one. Only once before had anything ever mattered so much.
Three minutes later, the countdown stopped flashing and the result appeared. In writing, no faint line or squinting required to read it.Pregnant. That one single word stared right back at her, and she thought her pounding heart might leap straight out of her chest. Her palms were clammy, and Alice felt dizzy with delirium, delight and disbelief. Hot, fat tears were already splashing down her cheeks and her hand went instinctively to her stomach.
‘Hey, you,’ she whispered, trembling from head to foot with adrenaline and a new joy threatening to overwhelm her. ‘This is a surprise. But hang on, okay? Just hang on. I love you.’
How many weeks pregnant was she? She tried to drag her mind back to November, that first time she and Zac had made love, and all the times since. How, when, had this happened? And then she remembered how, and her laugh was shocked and happy all at once. Every possible emotion seemed to be tumbling in so fast she couldn’t process it before another one followed. Hope, fear, joy, worry, uncertainty. And love. A huge, great whoosh of love for the tiny little bean nestled in her womb.
Zac! His name hit her again, this time like a punch, and she gasped. How had she managed to conceive their baby when all hope and expectation was against her? And how was she going to find a way to tell him he was going to be a father when they were over? He might be brilliant with Lily and Arlo, their respective nieces, and a loving godfather to Isaac, but this was a whole other level of involvement, and she had no idea how he might take it. Would he even believe that she hadn’t done this on purpose in some way, to fulfil her dream of being a mother, holding her child?
He was as different from her ex-husband as it was possible to be. On paper, Gareth was the safe choice, the steady one who’d wanted a family, at least at the start, as much as she had. Zac’s life had mostly been lived in the fast lane and he was only thirty-two. He’d only ever wanted a future with Serena, and he’d been shattered when she’d left him because he wasn’t able to provide the one she’d demanded.
How was Alice going to deliver this news? The adrenaline rush in her limbs came again and she blinked back the tears. Maybe this time she would actually hold her own child, hers and Zac’s, in her arms. She’d told him when he’d left that she wouldn’t ever regret their time together and she didn’t. Wouldn’t, couldn’t, because he’d given her this.
August was nine months after November. But summer seemed very far away right now and the last time she’d been pregnant her baby had been lost. But maybe this one would be different. She gathered her things, dried her eyes and walked outside to ring the doctor’s surgery to make her first appointment. She wasn’t going to be taking any chances.
‘Oh, Alice! Congratulations!’ Sandy threw her arms around Alice, and they hugged tightly as she sniffed into her aunt’s shoulder. ‘I’m so pleased for you. It’s wonderful news.’
‘Thanks, Sandy. It is for me.’ Alice let go and caught the kettle on the Aga just as it began to whistle. ‘I hope I’m not putting you in a difficult position with Neil. You’re the only person I’ve told so far. Not even my mum knows, not until I’ve worked out how to tell Zac. I don’t want anything slipping out.’
‘I understand.’ Sandy settled at the breakfast bar as Alice made their tea. ‘And family comes first. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to take some time to get used to it and make plans before you speak with Zac. He’s not here and you’ll probably be the one… Well…’ Sandy tailed off and Alice thought she knew what might have been coming next.
‘Left to manage,’ she said lightly. ‘On my own?’
‘We don’t know that, not yet. And I’ll support you totally; you know I will.’
‘Thank you, I appreciate it more than you know.’ A smile lit up Alice’s face and her hand was on her stomach again. ‘I still can hardly believe it. I worry it’s a dream and I’ll wake up one day.’
‘It is a little miracle. So how many weeks are you now?’
‘Thirteen.’
‘Thirteen! What about your dating scan, when are you having that?’
‘I had it yesterday.’ Alice couldn’t stop staring at the tiny black and white shape on the image the sonographer had given her. Doing well, growing as it should, heart beating steadily. Joy of joys.
‘You went on your own?’
‘Yes. I really couldn’t face telling anyone until I knew everything was okay with the baby.’ Would she ever get used to saying, thinking, that? A baby, safely cocooned inside her. Her baby, their baby, hers and Zac’s. ‘And my bloods all checked out fine too. I hadn’t had any miscarriage symptoms and I was already about nine weeks when I found out.’ She hesitated. ‘I’m still not going to say anything, other than to Jenna. I want to make sure I’m the one who tells Zac. I don’t want Max mentioning it in a message by mistake.’
‘Mum’s the word.’ Sandy tapped her lips and they both laughed. ‘Have you heard from Zac?’
‘Now and then,’ Alice said, trying to keep the sadness from her reply. She didn’t want Sandy to realise how much she missed him. ‘We’ve messaged a few times and he’s sent me photos of the cottage and the work he’s doing. He’s leading a team working in sustainable forest management and there’s a lot going on.’
‘Are you planning to travel up to share the news?’
‘No.I don’t think I could do six hours right now without throwing up, no matter how many times I stop.’ Alice took a sip of ginger tea; it was still the only hot drink she could manage. ‘It’s Isaac’s christening next month; I thought I’d speak to him then.’
‘Sounds like a plan.’ Sandy’s gaze drifted to Alice’s stomach. ‘You’ll probably be showing as well.’
‘Yes.’ The thought was a thrill and she laughed. ‘I won’t be able to keep it quiet and I’ll have had time to make more plans.’
Jenna was overjoyed when Alice shared her startling news, and she offered all the help she could from miles away. Alice did feel a bit guilty about not telling her mum, who might want to hasten straight to Halesmere and cart her off to the nearest parent and baby shop. They’d had a lovely time when her mum had stayed at New Year, but the timing of Zac hearing Alice’s news was more important for now.
She still felt nauseous every morning and it began to ease as the weeks passed. It was difficult to avoid Stan’s builders’ tea and if he saw her drinking the ginger tea that he’d mentioned was all Ella had wanted when she’d been pregnant with Isaac, Alice knew it would be very difficult to pretend around him.
The first time she felt the baby move she was at home, curled up on the sofa watching a movie, when a strange new flutter came into her stomach. Her fingers raced to follow it and the baby moved again, and tears were following. Another first, another milestone. Another signal that together they were moving in the right direction.
Feeling horribly guilty about the charity challenge she’d planned, she had given up cycling and withdrawn from the triathlon. It wasn’t as though she could ride the bike in a race or run with a nearly nine-month bump in August. She’d have another attempt when the baby was older, and she could put in the necessary training. Alice instead decided to donate a regular amount from Flower Shed earnings to the charity for now.
