Page 66 of Starting Over at Halesmere House
The old door clicking shut behind him and Sandy seemed to reverberate around the church, bouncing through the silence. Alice took a deep breath. What would she say now, when all her carefully rehearsed words had bolted?
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Zac’s gaze dropped to her stomach, and he shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘And the, er, baby?’
‘I’m fine, thank you,’ she replied quietly. Her hand covered her neat little bump, and she felt the baby flutter, filling her with relief. Every day was a new experience; every day their baby grew bigger. Silently she promised their child she loved them, and they’d be fine, no matter what. Whatever role Zac might or might not play in their lives, this baby was her future, and she was going to create the best one for them she possibly could. ‘I’m so sorry about how you found out, Zac.’
‘Shit, Alice!’ He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands now and he ran both over his face. ‘I mean, how the hell? I thought this couldn’t happen, that you couldn’t…?’
‘So did I,’ she said calmly, making herself take slow, steady breaths. ‘I tried everything for years to get pregnant and nothing worked, beyond the final round of IVF. And you know what happened after that.’
‘When’s it due?’
She wondered if he was asking because he wanted to know when his life might change. Hers already had. ‘On the thirtieth of August.’ It felt like years from now, but it came closer with every day that passed. She still hadn’t started on the nursery, which would be the small bedroom next to hers. She didn’t dare, not yet. There was another scan to face before she’d do that.
‘So how many weeks are you?’
‘Seventeen.’
‘Right.’ He loosened his tie and dragged it off, giving her the impression it was too tight around his neck, binding him like he maybe thought she was trying to do with this news. ‘So when do you think?’ He paused. ‘I mean how? We were always careful.’
‘Except that morning when we weren’t.’ It felt strange, taking them back to those days when they’d made love so often after their first time. ‘We ran out of condoms and we both agreed we were okay with it. I’m in a different place in my life since I came to Halesmere, and thinking I might ever be pregnant again just didn’t feature. Maybe all that helped. Took away the stress I felt when I tried before.’
She jumped as the door opened behind them and Neil stuck his head around, apologising and informing Zac he was required for photographs outside. ‘The irony is quite something,’ Zac said, shaking his head. ‘Finding out you’re going to be a father at your godson’s christening.’
‘Yes.’ Alice tried to smile as she left the pew. It was time to leave too; she couldn’t hide in the cool church forever.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ He halted beside her, and she was surprised to see his eyes shimmering. With uncertainty, fear or dismay, she couldn’t tell which. Maybe it was all of them.
‘I was going to, today,’ she said steadily. ‘We’re quite far apart, and it’s a long journey. I couldn’t ask you to come down without a reason and I haven’t been feeling that great.’
‘But you’re okay?’ Again his gaze flickered down. ‘And the baby?’
‘Yes. There’s no reason to be concerned right now, other than good old-fashioned worry.’ She placed a hand on his arm. All those times they’d touched, hadn’t wanted to be apart. ‘I would have come up, when the time was right.’
‘Yeah. I’ll see you later, then.’ He let out a long, fraught breath. ‘We still need to talk.’
Chapter Twenty
The barn at Halesmere was packed, full of Ella and Max’s family, friends and colleagues. Everyone around their community had been invited and the atmosphere was merry as food was served. Alice was hugely relieved that Zac had finally learned about the baby, and she accepted the congratulations of everyone who offered them, wishing she could share these moments with him. Ella and Max had drawn her aside and offered their own support and congratulations, and their words had made Alice cry again.
Zac was seated at another table and whenever she caught his eye, it darted away. She was shocked how much that saddened her, both for the baby as well as herself, but she couldn’t blame him. They’d been so close and seeing him today had brought all those feelings she’d had for him straight back. In truth, she hadn’t lost them; she’d simply learned to do without them. But she couldn’t think about herself now. This was about their baby and how, if, they would parent their child together.
Sandy stuck close and Alice was grateful for her support as she picked her way through the food. Her appetite was really good now but today she didn’t feel like eating much. Her stomach was churning and this time it wasn’t carrying a baby that was causing it. Ella stood to thank everyone for coming and the special gifts they’d brought for Isaac, and a few guests wandered off.
Alice caught Zac’s eye again and this time he didn’t look away, tilting his head in the direction of the door. They met outside and she pointed to the Flower Shed. ‘In there? At least we won’t be interrupted.’
‘It looks great,’ he said quietly as he took in the latest improvements after she’d let him in and closed the door behind them. Stan had built more shelves, and each was full of gardening and nature books, tiny bud vases she loved to collect and refresh every couple of days, and the decorations she kept for making wreaths and arrangements. Three vases filled with yellow daffodils were bright on the huge table and she pointed to a sofa.
‘Tea? I’ll make some.’
‘I would’ve brought milk just in case if I’d known.’ Zac’s smile was wry as he sat down, and her laugh was a quick one. Humour was something in this moment; at least he wasn’t in a towering rage. But that had never been his style. He was easy-going for the most part, great company and still learning not to sweat the big stuff quite so much, like her. Did that a good father make? Alice wondered. It didn’t matter; she wouldn’t have chosen a different one for their baby even if she could have.
‘Thanks.’ He accepted the mug she offered, and she curled up with ginger tea on the other sofa, legs tucked under her. She didn’t often wear dresses, given the work she did, and this one was stretched over her stomach, revealing her bump. His gaze was on it again and she wished, hoped, prayed, that their baby might know their father in some way. So much rested on what they would say next.
‘How long have you known?’
‘Since January, about a month after you left. I was feeling off and did a test. I wasn’t certain, far from it, of a positive result, so it was still a huge shock.’ And a miracle and a joy that still sometimes stopped her in her tracks to marvel.
‘Left? I moved, Alice, for a job I’d signed a contract for.’ His words were hollow. ‘You make it sound like I walked right out of your life because what we’d shared meant nothing.’
